Texas Bar Exam

My niece recently graduated from law school.  Since she got her undergraduate degree in Texas and since I'm an Ambassador of Texas, I was able to invite her to take the Texas Bar exam.  As a public service I now publish the exam for everyone.

Texas Bar Exam

Select the best answer:

1. Grandma Moses is driving her car at 75 mph on interstate 35. The car GPS gets in a fight with the GPS from her smart phone. The car GPS is telling her to turn right while the phone GPS is telling her to turn left. Grandma Moses splits the difference and goes straight into a utility pole ejecting her through the windshield. She survives but spends a year in the hospital incurring millions of dollars of medical bills. You should:

A. Sue both GPS makers

B. Look for other car owners similarly afflicted and file a class action lawsuit

C. Sue the GPS makers, the car maker and the utility pole maker

D. Help Grandma Moses file for bankruptcy because although large corporations may place a specific cost on death and injuries, the trial lawyers association is the spawn of Satan which only exists to help the devil file frivolous lawsuits.

2. Oil fracking is

A. A relatively new technology and long-term environmental effects are unknown at this time. We should keep a close eye on it.

B. Best regulated by large oil companies like BP

C. A fountain of cash, there's got to be some legal billing in there somewhere

D. A gift from Jesus

3. You go to lunch at the local Chipotle restaurant where you encounter a group of gun enthusiasts expressing their God given Texas rights to bear and display their guns. You should:

A. Explain to them that it is statistically unlikely they'll be mugged for a burrito

B. Explain the definition of "statistics"

C. Encourage them to run for state office as all Texas candidates must have a gun in their campaign photos

D. Congratulate them on their knowledge and defense of the Constitution and states' rights, then show them the AK-47 you keep in your briefcase

4. Texas has the legal right to secede from the United States.

A. True

B. False

C. Maybe, if you are speaking to a large crowd of freedom loving tea partiers

D. What's legal got to do with it? We've got enough guns to secede whenever we damn well please!

5. As laws against gay marriage get overturned all over the country, you are tasked with defending the Texas law before the Supreme Court. Your best argument is:

A. Legalizing gay marriage would result in people marrying livestock and inanimate objects

B. Would result in gay people becoming miserable husbands and wives

C. Would result in fewer shotgun weddings

D. There are no gay people in Texas

6. Recently, the Supreme Court ruled that prayers before town council meetings are legal. Let's say someone named, oh I don't know..., Abdullah gave a prayer before the Wichita Falls town council meeting. You should:

A. Listen carefully and ensure there are no direct religious quotes or mention of God other than something like "Master of the Universe"

B. Congratulate him by saying, "Nice godless speech, Haji."

C. Cover your ears and shout, "I love Jesus! I love Jesus!" so no one can hear him

D. Stone him

E. Trick question, although stoning him is a good answer, you might be accused of practicing sharia law. Shooting him would be easier and more practical.

7. Is it legal to put Chinese 5-spice in BBQ sauce?

A. Yes

B. No

C. Aw, hell no!

D. Yes, if you are a communist living in Austin

8. A shoplifter grabs a case of beer in a convenience store and sprints for the door. Under Texas law, the clerk should:

A. Let the crook go, lock the door and call the police

B. Chase the crook as far as the clerk can run

C. Shoot the crook and if the crook falls outside the door, drag the body back inside

D. Aim for the head, then stand over the body and say something like "No more Miller time's for you." or "There's no cold ones in hell."

9. Which of the following would make the best expert witness at a trial:

A. An arson expert named Bubba who declares "the fire had to be arson cos those flames moved faster than a centipede at a toe countin' contest"

B. A jailhouse snitch promised dropped charges for his/her testimony

C. An ex-deputy who uses his specially trained hounds in police lineups to identify the crook by smell

D. All of the above

10. The job of the Texas state attorney general is to:

A. Ultimately enforce the laws of the state

B. Defend the state against frivolous lawsuits

C. Wait in line to be governor

D. Sue O'bama 24 hours a day

11. Which of the following would result in the longest jail sentence?

A. Make a false statement on a Small Business Administration loan application

B. Borrowing $2 million from an out of state bank with a specific stock as collateral. Then taking that money to purchase the stock which you used as collateral.

C. Taking a mortgage from an out of state bank then adding a superior lien which is magically owned by your children. Declare the original loan in default and allow your children to foreclose on your property thereby nullifying the bank's lien.

D. Urinating on the wall of the Alamo

12. You are representing a client at a high profile murder trial. Everyday you must meet the media who are trying to get you to spill confidential information. You should:

A. Just say, "No comment."

B. Answer what you can and explain there are some things that are confidential

C. Just repeat the question back to the asker

D. Just say, "Adios mofo."

13.  If you graduated from Texas Tech law school:

A.  You probably did well on the bar exam

B.  You probably learned a lot about energy law including oil and wind

C.  You probably learned a lot about water and mineral rights

D.  You are probably a rude, cheap-ass tipper

14. The longest serving governor in the history of the great republic of Texas is:

A. Stephen F. Austin

B. Sam Houston

C. George W. Bush

D. Rick Perry, and by gawd don't ever forget it!

Cool Hand Leach

Today we’re going to drop in on Texas Tech football practice and see how things are going:

The players, dressed in identical uniforms, come through the chain link fence to the practice field. The assistant coaches order them to count off. Each player shouts loud enough for the coaches to hear, until all 105 have counted off. The head coach rises from his rocking chair on the porch just outside the field. An assistant coach calls out to him, “105, zero in the box, one transfer. All 106 accounted for.”

Nodding, the head coach comes out in front of the players who are now lined up in several rows on the field. “James, step forward,” he yells.

Two assistant coaches escort James from the ranks toward a small wooden building the size of an outhouse. Behind a short wall, James removes his uniform and puts on a flannel dress.

The head coach addresses the team. “When a man’s head ain’t right, he gets a little rabbit in him. It’s my job to set his head straight.” He nods toward the coaches, who lock James into the small box.

The rest of the players break down and split into their various position units. The offensive linemen go through drills to get loose and practice their basic footwork. A big powerful lineman yells out, “Takin’ it off here, boss.”

“Take it off, Luke,” the coach responds.

The lineman takes off his shirt, his hard sweaty body glistening in the hot sun. Further down, a thin wide receiver who’s been standing around juggling footballs says, “Takin’ it off here, boss.”

The assistant coach just stares him down and slowly shakes his head. The head coach catches the assistant’s eye and makes a slashing gesture across his throat.

“Taylor, step out,” the assistant barks at the juggling receiver. He escorts Taylor toward the sand pit where the receivers practice their footwork. He pushes Taylor face first into the sand. Another assistant throws a shovel in the sand next to Taylor.

“Son, why is your sand in Boss Leach’s sandpit?”

Taylor just looks at him, confused.

The assistant kicks the shovel up against Taylor. “Get your sand out of Boss Leach’s sandpit.”

Taylor stands up and begins to shovel the sand out of the sandpit.

Further down the field, the defensive and offensive linemen are squaring off against each other one-on-one. A huge chiseled fifth-year senior goes against an underdeveloped freshman. The freshman comes charging in and the senior drops him to the ground with a forearm to the head. The freshman gives his head a shake, gets to his feet, and charges again. With beefy paws, the senior picks him up by the shoulders and holds him up for a second. “Stay down,” he whispers to the kid before throwing him back into the crowd of linemen. The linemen try to hold the kid down but the kid shakes them off and busts through toward the senior again. This time the senior lowers his shoulder into the gut of the freshman who gasps and hunches over. The senior lifts him over his shoulder and carries him to the side of the practice field.

Back at the sandpit, Taylor leans on his shovel after successfully removing all of the sand from the pit. An assistant coach walks up. “Why you got your sand on my practice field?”

Taylor stares at him. “Well, I had to get it out of--”

“Shut your mouth, boy! Get your sand off my practice field. Now!”

Taylor obediently starts shoveling the sand back into the sandpit.

On the other side of the field, Boss Leach watches the offense go through its game plan. On one play, a receiver streaks straight down the field. The quarterback steps back and launches a long heave just as the receiver stops and breaks toward the sideline. The ball falls easily into the hands of a defensive safety who returns it for a touchdown. Boss Leach throws down his clipboard, saunters over to the receiver, and stares at the receiver through sunglasses. “Son, what we have here is a failure to communicate. I said X-Down-Go, not X-Up-Stop!”

Back at the sandpit, an exhausted Taylor continues to shovel the sand back into the pit. A coach approaches. “Taylor, I thought I told you to get your sand out of Boss Leach’s sandpit?”

“But, but--Boss Sadler said not to put it on his field.”

“I don’t care. Get your sand out of Boss Leach’s pit.”

Taylor drops to the ground and starts crying. “I want to move my sand, just tell me where. I can’t take it. I’ll do anything you want. Just let me be. I’ll take care of the hounds if you want me to. You’ll see, I’ll be the best, most obedient football player you’ve ever seen. Please, please just let me be.”

The assistant sighs. “Hit the showers, Taylor.”

A garbage can is banged loudly from the side of the field. Boss Leach tells the players to bring it on in. Once again, they count off as they go through the fence toward the locker room. After they are through, the assistant yells to Boss Leach, “104, one in the box, one transfer. All 106 accounted for.”

Boss Leach sits in his rocking chair and sips a glass of iced tea. He points toward the box then pushes up the edge of his hat with his glass. An assistant lets James out of the box.

Back in the locker room, the players quickly shower and head toward the chow hall. En route, a player is overheard saying, “I swear I can eat 50 eggs in an hour.”