You have the Right to Remain Athletic

It’s another collegiate sports blog, but I can’t help it--sometimes they just write themselves:

Knoxville Cable TV presents: The University of Tennessee Coaches’ Recruiting Hour with your hosts UT football coach Lane Kiffin and UT basketball coach Bruce Pearl.

[Camera focuses in on a family room decorated in orange and white. There’s a haze of smoke lingering just below the ceiling. Bruce Pearl, in an orange suitcoat and sweatpants, sits on a barstool next to Lane Kiffin who’s wearing an orange and white checkerboard suitcoat with short, tight white shorts. They sit in front of a bar with drinks.]

Lane: Welcome to the show. I’m Lane and this is my main man, Bruce “The Juice” Pearl.

Bruce: Yeah, thanks Lane, the, uh, Muffin Kiffin. Or should that be Miffin? Wait. Lane the Drain! Yeah! Score!

Lane [giggling]: Anyway, we’ve got a great show, and we’re going to tell you recruits out there why UT should be in your future.

Bruce: That’s right, Lane. Let’s get to it. Tell ‘em why they should play football for the heir of General Neyland.

Lane: Well, for one thing, if you visit UT, I guarantee you’ll have a great time. And by great, I mean--

Bruce: Shhhhh! Remember, they’re not officially [makes quote gestures with his fingers] “affiliated” with the university.

Lane [slaps forehead]: Oh, that’s right! Let me introduce Bambi and Chiffon, two of our UT hostesses.

[Two young women dressed in cheerleader uniforms come out and do a few kicks, then snuggle onto the coaches’ laps.]

Bruce: So Bambi, what are you studying at UT?

Bambi: Anatomy.

Bruce and Lane [as they high-five each other]: Yeah! That’s what I’m talking about!

[Bruce stuffs a five-dollar bill down Bambi’s top.]

Lane: Now, seriously, there’s been a lot of bad press about our hostesses lately.

Chiffon and Bambi [with dumbfounded looks]: Huh?

Lane: So Bambi is here to set the record straight. [He slips another five-dollar bill down her top and points toward the camera.]

Bambi [reading in a monotone from a cue card]: That’s right, Coach. The UT hostesses are not affiliated in any way with the University of Tennessee, nor does Coach Kiffin ever tell us what to do. We’re just a bunch of young, small-town, innocent, mostly blond, vix, vix, v-v-v--

[Lane whispers in her ear]

--schoolgirls who are trying to be UT athletic supporters.

Lane [giggling and whispering to Bruce]: I wrote that.

Bruce: Man, you’re the most! [They toast to each other, splashing their drinks and giggling.]

Bambi: And furthermore, the UT hostess program is a non-profit corporation registered in Thailand, and we would never do anything that is illegal. [Squints at the cue card.] In Thailand.

Lane: Good girl! Say, I’ve got a tenner in my shorts. Can you find it?

Bambi: [searches Lane’s pocket then playfully punches him in the shoulder]: Oh, you! Got me again!

[Lane tucks a ten-dollar bill into her shorts, kisses both girls on the cheeks, then pats them on the rear end as they leave the set.]

Bruce: Man, if I played football, I’d be calling the number on the screen right now. But wait, recruits, there’s more! On to basketball! Are you ready? Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome . . . Cheech and Chong!

[Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong stumble onto the set and sit on a couch next to the coaches]

Bruce: Hey guys! When a basketball recruit visits UT, what can they expect?

[Cheech and Chong snicker.]

Cheech: Well, man, we got this ’72 Plymouth Duster, and we take the kids up and down Kingston Pike and show ‘em the nightlife. You know, have a good time.

[He holds two fingers close to his mouth and inhales, then exhales slowly.]

Chong: Hey man, I seen that Chiffon chick before.

Lane: Of course! They have a calendar. I sell ‘em out of the back of my car.

Chong: No, no, man. Like somewhere else for real. Is she some sort of athlete?

Bruce: Um, yes, I believe she’s a pole vaulter.

Lane: You mean pole dancer?

Bruce: That’s it! Pole dancer! [He toasts Lane.]

Cheech: Anyway, yeah, so we like take the recruits to dinner and stuff. Usually, the 7-11 at midnight.

Chong: Yeah, I got a 7-11 credit card with no limit. We usually get Pringles, and Cheet-os, and more Pringles, and pork rinds. You know, munchie stuff.

Bruce: What a treat! In a’72 Plymouth Duster? How did you guys get that to pass inspection?

Chong: It’s a green car, man!

Bruce: You mean a hybrid?

Chong: No. It’s green. You know, shamrock green. Plus, it recirculates the air. So nothing goes to waste. The whole car’s one giant bong!

Bruce: Let’s get serious a minute. I know there’s a lot of stories going around about a gun in the car.

Cheech: Pfftt! Man, that’s nothing.

Chong: Yeah, I mean, a real gun has serial numbers on it.

Cheech: Yeah. But not this one.

Chong: So it couldn’t have been a gun.

Cheech: Yeah, man. It was a . . . cigarette lighter.

Chong: Can you imagine having to register lighters? Whoa, dude.

Cheech: But there’s no serial number on this one, so we wouldn’t have to.

Bruce [pulling a handgun from the waistband of his sweats]: Guys, this is the gun they found in the car. Are you telling me this is a lighter?

Chong: Well I don’t know, ‘cause there’s no serial number on it.

Cheech: Hey, but lighters don’t have to have ‘em, man.

Bruce: Are you sure it’s a lighter? So, I can point this at your head and pull the trigger? Really?

[Cheech and Chong glance at each other and shrug. Chong pulls a big doobie from his pocket and places it in his mouth, poses.]

Cheech: Fire away, dude.

[Bruce pulls the trigger. A flame shoots out of the barrel and lights the doobie.]

Cheech: Commercial break?

Lane: Great idea. We’ll be right back.

[After the commercial, Cheech and Chong are gone. Lane and Bruce sit at the bar stuffing their faces with potato chips.]

Bruce: We’re going to switch back to football for a second. Lane, tell recruits what they can get.

Lane: Boys, come on out. [Four huge footballs players wearing ski masks come into camera range.] These are some of the finest student athletes that I’ve had the pleasure of being associated with.

Bruce: Wait. Student athletes?

Lane: I mean, athletes. Students of football. Class is optional, but we still guarantee you’ll meet up with some coeds. Anyway, all of our players are now required to wear ski masks in public. Because if there’s an armed robbery, how do you know who did it?

Bruce: Now that’s thinking outside the box. And they call Jimmy Johnson a genius.

Lane: But if there is a problem, we’ve got a whole scout team full of guys that’ll do your time. It’s a great incentive to be the best you can be. If you’re first team, you’ll be playing on Saturday, I guarantee. If you’re scout team, try to be inconspicuous. But here’s the cool thing, prison time does not count as NCAA eligibility. So when you get out, you’re back on the team!

Bruce: Of course there are rules. You can expect to miss some playing time against the Elon’s and the Wofford’s and the Chattanooga’s of the world. But if it’s Bama or UK, you’re out one play, tops!

Lane: Yeah, plus, we won’t put you in a dark closet! You may end up in prison but at least you’ll be there with your friends and teammates.

Bruce: I guess that’s our show for today. I hope all you recruits out there can see what a great place UT is.

Lane: Please join us next week when our guests will be Gilbert Arenas and Willie Nelson. Party on, Bruce.

Bruce: Party on, Lane.


Editor's Note: Further reading if you're not up to date on UT athletics:

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=4727155

http://www.wate.com/Global/story.asp?S=11491092

http://www.govolsxtra.com/news/2010/jan/01/four-ut-basketball-players-face-drug-and-weapon-ch/