Merrily Shopping

I’ve discovered I like grocery shopping. To be more exact, I like grocery shopping in stores that have bars and allow you to carry your drink around while you shop. I am not making this up. And to think I once thought it was stupid that shopping carts contained cup holders.

St. Pauli Girl and I recently went into the big city to do some grocery shopping at a store that I’ll call Whole Lotta Grocery Shopping and Tavern. Turns out that they have a real bar in their wine and beer section. After an hour of exhausting grocery shopping, we parked our cart, bellied up to the crowded bar, and ordered a glass of wine. And a cheese sampler. And then another glass of wine.

The grocery store ambience wasn’t great mostly because of the lighting, but the people watching was fun.

Me: Seems like everyone here is having a really good time.

St. Pauli Girl: Maybe it’s just us.

Me: I’ll drink to that.

The grocery wine bar has a small but nice selection of wine that can be ordered in flights or by the glass, as well as several draft beers. And since the bar really doesn’t need to make a lot of money, the prices and servings are very reasonable. Plus you can get your drink in a plastic cup to carry with you while you are shopping. And for you misers out there, guess what? The credit card slip doesn’t have a tip line! You don’t have to leave a tip, and you can blame it on the store. Or you can do what the guy next to us did: “Well, I’d leave you something, but there’s no line on the credit card slip. [He rummages through his cart.] Oh wait! Here’s a rutabaga for you.”

As we enjoyed our time in the bar, I tried to think how my life might have been different if these stores existed in my younger days:

Me: What are you doing tonight?

Friend: Going to Kroger’s. They’ve got 2 for 1 Coronas.

Me: Forget that! Albertson’s has 99-cent well drinks. Plus they have the best produce.

Friend: You’re right, fresh produce is the ultimate chick magnet. I’ll meet you there.

Although my friends always said the grocery store was one of the best places to meet women, it never worked out for me. Probably because my pick-up lines consisted of something like, “Hey, I see we both got the Salisbury steak. Do you know if you’re supposed to remove that little corner of peach cobbler before you microwave the rest of it?”

Yep, these youngsters have it good. Now you can amble slowly through the store sipping on a cabernet, and when you see a hot girl loading up a take-out container at the salad bar, you can take the opportunity to hook her with something like, “You know, that’s the same bean salad my grandmother used to make, God rest her soul. How ‘bout I buy you a beer over at the bar and give you the recipe?”

Our shopping trip/happy hour finally came to an end. I’ve never had more fun spending $200 on groceries. As we drove home, I said to St. Pauli Girl, “You know, I’ve been thinking we need to make our household chores a little more equitable, take some of the burden off of you. From now on, why don’t you let me do all the grocery shopping?”

I Am Somewhere Else Today

Today I was invited to submit a guest blog at L.M. Stull's site. Check out my adventures in beer writing.

M.U.I.

We owned our riding lawn mower a good month or so before I noticed its best feature: the beverage cup holder. I couldn’t believe Cooter didn’t point it out when he sold the mower to me. This being Texas, there’s only one beverage that belongs on a riding lawn mower. So in honor of Hank Hill, I popped open an Alamo Ale and mowed the lawn.

I can now impart words of wisdom for mowing and drinking:

1. Drink really fast. Mowing means warm weather which means . . . warm beer. To prime yourself, drink one while you fill up the gas tank. An alternative would be to invest in a koozie. Better yet, get a koozie and drink fast.

2. Don’t forget, safety first. Remember, you’re riding for two now. Beware of bushes and low hanging branches which could knock your beer off the mower.

3. Buy a cooler attachment. When shopping for a mower, look for a model that has a cooler attachment or extra space for you to attach one. The only thing worse than actually mowing the lawn is having to go back inside for more beer while mowing the lawn. The Germans have probably already dealt with this mowing/beer issue, so a German mower may be your best bet.

4. Carry a cell phone. In case you accidentally cut off your foot, you’ll need to dial 911. More importantly, if you haven’t attached a cooler, you can call your wife inside to get off her lazy butt and bring you another round.

5. Get the right size for the job. I’m not talking about horse-power, I’m talking about number of beers. For example, my two-acre yard is a 6-pack. (Half of you probably think I have a big yard, while the other half think I just drink too slow. And everyone might be right.) We all have our limits, so know yours and keep enough beer chilled for the job. Also, size matters. Obviously if you’re drinking 40’s, cut back on the number.

6. Drink what you like. Some of my mowing buddies have argued that the perfect beer pairing for mowing is a lite American lager. Not true. Remember, a riding lawn mower doesn’t require much effort. Feel free to drink a heavier beer like Guinness. (Note: Check local laws before making your purchase. In Texas, for example, the law requires that you drink only Shiner, Pearl, Lone Star or Alamo while doing yard work.)

7. Watch for back blasts. Be careful when mowing against walls, fences, trees and shrubbery. The back blast may blow dirt, leaves, grass or even locusts into your beer. Protect your beer by planning your route carefully. Or, just avoid those areas.

8. Be neighborly. If you see your neighbor mowing while you’re mowing, raise your beer and toast him. (In Texas, make sure the Pearl, Shiner, Lone Star or Alamo label is visible, to avoid legal issues.) Hopefully, he has also planned well and you don’t have to offer him one.

9. Pay attention. Just because you’re drinking fast doesn’t mean you should drive fast. If you notice that you’ve had to re-mow a few spots, slow down. If you notice that you re-mowed the same spot five times, head on in: you may have over/under estimated how many beers it takes to mow your yard.