I figured by now Pastor Terry Jones had returned to his day job as the star of The Buffalo Bill Cody Wild West Show. But no, it turns out he’s driving a brand new Hyundai as a reward for canceling his Quran burning . Yes, it’s true: a New Jersey car dealer promised the good reverend a new car if he didn’t burn the Quran.
In a nutshell: he’s getting paid for not burning the Quran..
Sign me up! I think he just single-handedly solved all property crime as well as kidnappings and extortion in the United States. Why rob a bank when you can just hold ideas hostage? And it’s mostly legal!
So I’m preparing a list of things I will not do. Car dealers, bankers, realtors, furniture salespeople, chefs, country clubs--please send me your best offer to prevent me from doing these dastardly deeds.
1. I will not commit murder. Not even attempted murder. (Okay, so I’m not setting the bar very high but you haven’t met some of my previous co-workers. Surely this is worth a hard piece of chewing gum from an old pack of baseball cards?)
2. I will not burn the Quran, the Bible, the Torah, and the Kama Sutra. (I’ve got an itchy finger on my lighter; I’m warning you. Send me a car with rich Corinthian leather seats. Send me a motorcycle, and I’ll only burn two out of four.)
3. I will not burn the Ten Commandments. (If someone can come up with a Hyundai for not burning the Quran in America, surely I can get a fleet of Bentleys out of this?)
4. I will not burn St. Pauli Girl’s Lionel Richie CD collection. This will require my utmost willpower. This deserves a house. No wait-- a villa. In the south of France.
5. I will not burn “Titanic,” “The Blind Side,” the entire Star Wars and Star Trek movie collection, “Avatar” and every musical that doesn’t involve Planet of the Apes. Netflix, please don’t send these movies to my house. They’ll just go up in smoke unless maybe someone gives me a state of the art home theater with rocking movie theater chairs and used gum on the floor. And a popcorn machine.
6. I will not burn Texas textbooks that contain references to Muslims, capitalism and condoms. I’m putting it on the line here; I could go to prison in the Republic for this. (It turns out the largest pickup truck in the world is owned by someone in the United Arab Emirates This isn’t right. Send me a bigger truck so we can right 2 wrongs.)
7. I will not burn DVDs of NFL games without the expressed written consent of the National Football League. All I ask is free tickets to all games, plus college games too. And my own marching band.
8. I will not burn “Dianetics” by L. Ron Hubbard. Any takers? Anyone?
9. I will not burn calories, birthday candles, rubber, bridges, leaves, the candle at both ends. I promise not to burn any of it for the low, low price of mansions, fast cars, yachts, cash and assorted door prizes. In short, luxury. I can be the least offensive person in the world for the right price.
Showing posts with label book burning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label book burning. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Books of Mass Destruction
(For background info)
Reporter: We are live in Gainesville, Florida outside of The Dove Church. With me is Pastor John Wesley Hardin. I hear you have a special event planned this weekend?
JWH: That’s right. A good old-fashioned book burning.
Reporter: I imagine a lot of Henry Miller books, maybe some romance and a few evolutionary theory books?
JWH: Nope, just one book. In honor of the fallen of 9/11, we are going to burn “My Pet Goat.”
Reporter: The children’s book?
JWH: Satan’s children maybe.
Reporter: What is your objection to the book?
JWH: First of all, a goat has horns. We know it’s a sign of the devil. And here’s another tidbit, if you change one letter in the word “book”, it becomes “bock” which is German for goat and of course, the devil. And this was the book President Bush was reading to schoolchildren during the attack on the twin towers.
Reporter: So you believe President Bush was teaching satanic rituals to schoolchildren?
JWH: Hmm, well yes. But more importantly, it is my belief that had he been reading The Bible instead, he would have thwarted the 9/11 terrorists.
Reporter: You mean maybe by casting a spell from the Book of Psalms or something?
JWH: No, by demonstrating faith, God would have seen that and had those planes crash somewhere else.
Reporter: But there were innocent people on those planes as well.
JWH: He probably would have done like a mini-rapture, suck those innocents straight into heaven and then have the terrorists crash by themselves. Except for the Buddhists and the Jews, they probably would have crashed too.
Reporter: But you realize that the school probably wouldn’t allow him to read The Bible because of separation of church and state.
JWH: There you go. The attack was God’s punishment for the government taking The Bible out of schools. So by burning “My Pet Goat,” we are saying bring The Bible back into the schools.
Reporter: Don’t you think maybe a rally reading passages from The Bible would be more effective?
JWH: We do that every Sunday. A burning is flashier, hopefully draw some youth out.
Reporter: You expect to attract children by burning a children’s book?
JWH: They know it’s wicked. I been preaching that for years.
Reporter: So what you’re telling me is that this is all about publicity?
JWH: And saving souls.
Reporter: Reading “My Pet Goat” is a sin?
JWH: Yes, but more importantly there is a direct correlation between reading that book and terrorism.
Reporter: That’s preposterous. Children have been reading that book for years.
JWH: Everytime a president reads that book, we get attacked by terrorists.
Reporter: And you’re certain no other president ever read that book?
JWH: Of course not. Only Satanists read it. Well, Clinton probably would have read it if there was nudity in it. And Obama is probably waiting for the Arabic version.
Reporter: Are there any books you think might have the same disastrous effect?
JWH: I’m working on it. Right now I heard something about “I have Two Dads” or “My Mommy is a Dad” book. Something like that could wipe out an entire city!
Reporter: You think children’s books are the ultimate weapons of mass destruction?
JWH: Maybe, maybe not. I do know The Bible is the ultimate antidote. There’s never been any killing in the name of The Bible.
Reporter: We are live in Gainesville, Florida outside of The Dove Church. With me is Pastor John Wesley Hardin. I hear you have a special event planned this weekend?
JWH: That’s right. A good old-fashioned book burning.
Reporter: I imagine a lot of Henry Miller books, maybe some romance and a few evolutionary theory books?
JWH: Nope, just one book. In honor of the fallen of 9/11, we are going to burn “My Pet Goat.”
Reporter: The children’s book?
JWH: Satan’s children maybe.
Reporter: What is your objection to the book?
JWH: First of all, a goat has horns. We know it’s a sign of the devil. And here’s another tidbit, if you change one letter in the word “book”, it becomes “bock” which is German for goat and of course, the devil. And this was the book President Bush was reading to schoolchildren during the attack on the twin towers.
Reporter: So you believe President Bush was teaching satanic rituals to schoolchildren?
JWH: Hmm, well yes. But more importantly, it is my belief that had he been reading The Bible instead, he would have thwarted the 9/11 terrorists.
Reporter: You mean maybe by casting a spell from the Book of Psalms or something?
JWH: No, by demonstrating faith, God would have seen that and had those planes crash somewhere else.
Reporter: But there were innocent people on those planes as well.
JWH: He probably would have done like a mini-rapture, suck those innocents straight into heaven and then have the terrorists crash by themselves. Except for the Buddhists and the Jews, they probably would have crashed too.
Reporter: But you realize that the school probably wouldn’t allow him to read The Bible because of separation of church and state.
JWH: There you go. The attack was God’s punishment for the government taking The Bible out of schools. So by burning “My Pet Goat,” we are saying bring The Bible back into the schools.
Reporter: Don’t you think maybe a rally reading passages from The Bible would be more effective?
JWH: We do that every Sunday. A burning is flashier, hopefully draw some youth out.
Reporter: You expect to attract children by burning a children’s book?
JWH: They know it’s wicked. I been preaching that for years.
Reporter: So what you’re telling me is that this is all about publicity?
JWH: And saving souls.
Reporter: Reading “My Pet Goat” is a sin?
JWH: Yes, but more importantly there is a direct correlation between reading that book and terrorism.
Reporter: That’s preposterous. Children have been reading that book for years.
JWH: Everytime a president reads that book, we get attacked by terrorists.
Reporter: And you’re certain no other president ever read that book?
JWH: Of course not. Only Satanists read it. Well, Clinton probably would have read it if there was nudity in it. And Obama is probably waiting for the Arabic version.
Reporter: Are there any books you think might have the same disastrous effect?
JWH: I’m working on it. Right now I heard something about “I have Two Dads” or “My Mommy is a Dad” book. Something like that could wipe out an entire city!
Reporter: You think children’s books are the ultimate weapons of mass destruction?
JWH: Maybe, maybe not. I do know The Bible is the ultimate antidote. There’s never been any killing in the name of The Bible.
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