Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Books of Mass Destruction

(For background info)

Reporter: We are live in Gainesville, Florida outside of The Dove Church. With me is Pastor John Wesley Hardin. I hear you have a special event planned this weekend?

JWH: That’s right. A good old-fashioned book burning.

Reporter: I imagine a lot of Henry Miller books, maybe some romance and a few evolutionary theory books?

JWH: Nope, just one book. In honor of the fallen of 9/11, we are going to burn “My Pet Goat.”

Reporter: The children’s book?

JWH: Satan’s children maybe.

Reporter: What is your objection to the book?

JWH: First of all, a goat has horns. We know it’s a sign of the devil. And here’s another tidbit, if you change one letter in the word “book”, it becomes “bock” which is German for goat and of course, the devil. And this was the book President Bush was reading to schoolchildren during the attack on the twin towers.

Reporter: So you believe President Bush was teaching satanic rituals to schoolchildren?

JWH: Hmm, well yes. But more importantly, it is my belief that had he been reading The Bible instead, he would have thwarted the 9/11 terrorists.

Reporter: You mean maybe by casting a spell from the Book of Psalms or something?

JWH: No, by demonstrating faith, God would have seen that and had those planes crash somewhere else.

Reporter: But there were innocent people on those planes as well.

JWH: He probably would have done like a mini-rapture, suck those innocents straight into heaven and then have the terrorists crash by themselves. Except for the Buddhists and the Jews, they probably would have crashed too.

Reporter: But you realize that the school probably wouldn’t allow him to read The Bible because of separation of church and state.

JWH: There you go. The attack was God’s punishment for the government taking The Bible out of schools. So by burning “My Pet Goat,” we are saying bring The Bible back into the schools.

Reporter: Don’t you think maybe a rally reading passages from The Bible would be more effective?

JWH: We do that every Sunday. A burning is flashier, hopefully draw some youth out.

Reporter: You expect to attract children by burning a children’s book?

JWH: They know it’s wicked. I been preaching that for years.

Reporter: So what you’re telling me is that this is all about publicity?

JWH: And saving souls.

Reporter: Reading “My Pet Goat” is a sin?

JWH: Yes, but more importantly there is a direct correlation between reading that book and terrorism.

Reporter: That’s preposterous. Children have been reading that book for years.

JWH: Everytime a president reads that book, we get attacked by terrorists.

Reporter: And you’re certain no other president ever read that book?

JWH: Of course not. Only Satanists read it. Well, Clinton probably would have read it if there was nudity in it. And Obama is probably waiting for the Arabic version.

Reporter: Are there any books you think might have the same disastrous effect?

JWH: I’m working on it. Right now I heard something about “I have Two Dads” or “My Mommy is a Dad” book. Something like that could wipe out an entire city!

Reporter: You think children’s books are the ultimate weapons of mass destruction?

JWH: Maybe, maybe not. I do know The Bible is the ultimate antidote. There’s never been any killing in the name of The Bible.

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