Yes, it’s another Governor Rick Perry blog. I can’t help it; he makes George W. Bush look like Sam Houston or at least Thomas Jefferson.
Rick Perry is a fanatical devotee of the 10th Amendment to the Constitution which from what he says means something like: as state governor I have the right to sit on the front porch of the governor’s mansion with a shotgun and tell federal lawmakers to get the hell off my ---- I mean our - property. And he’s absolutely right, especially when it comes to speed limits. (Never mind that in 2009 while denouncing federal stimulus money with his right hand, he was cashing the check with his left hand.)
But at least he practices what he preaches, because he has made it clear that in the same manner, the state does not interfere with city and county governments. Yesterday he announced that people should not blame the state for teacher layoffs because that is a local decision made by local school districts. Never mind that they get their money from the state. Never mind that the state is facing a $27 billion shortfall. Never mind that the state controls textbooks.
So it turns out that Perry doesn’t support state rights as much as he supports the idea that the state is always right. But most importantly, he’s given us hope and a new language in which we can lead more productive and richer lives. This is how the world would be if we all spoke like Rick Perry:
Boy to his mother: I didn’t eat the last cookie, my mouth did.
Speeding driver to police officer: It’s a Toyota. The accelerator was stuck. I wasn’t speeding, the car was.
Computer Programmer to Boss: Yes, I wrote the program. It’s not my fault the computer doesn’t know how to handle a null exception and shutdown.
Guy who firebombed the Texas governor’s mansion: Yes, I threw a molotov cocktail at the mansion. What happens after that is beyond my control.
Cook to irate customer: Yeah, I put a cup of cayenne pepper in that dish instead of paprika. So what? I can’t help it you aren’t cayenne tolerant.
Air Traffic Controller: Yeah, I had two planes landing on the same runway at the same time. They’re big planes. It’s not like they couldn’t see each other.
Kid playing softball: Yes, I hit the ball that went through your window. But it was a softball. The manufacturer didn’t make it soft enough.
Murderer to the jury: Yes, that was my gun. But what a bullet does after it leaves my gun is up to the bullet.
Airline Agent: Yes, I understand you were the only survivor of the plane crash, but I’ll still have to charge you a $150 rebooking fee to get you home.
Oh wait, that already happens.
Showing posts with label Governor Perry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Governor Perry. Show all posts
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
How to Tighten Your Belt The Texas Way
As states (especially Texas) madly struggle to balance their budgets, a lot of rhetoric revolves around the idea that the government needs to operate like families during tough times: they tighten their belts, cut out unnecessary spending, etc. As mentioned in a previous blog, Governor Rick Perry (Republic of Texas) and other conservative legislators seek to balance the budget without raising taxes and without touching the 9 billion dollars in the rainy day fund. (That is not a misprint. Yes, a 9 followed by 9 zeroes. Just sitting there. Doing nothing.) So I thought it would be useful to study how a family should operate during tough times under these standards.
I convened a panel of misers, I mean Texas conservatives, and posed some real life examples to them, with Dick and Jane as the parents of two children. Dick is an electrician while Jane stays at home to take care of the kids. They have scrimped and saved through the years and have a healthy “rainy day fund” of $10,000 in a savings account.
Scenario 1: One day, their 1987 Chevy Nova breaks down. The transmission is shot and total repairs will cost $2000. What should they do?
A. They should tap into the rainy day fund to fix the car and replenish the fund when they can.
B. Dick should work overtime and maybe pick up a weekend job to raise the money for repairs.
C. Jane should get a part time job to help buy a new car.
D. They should not touch the rainy day fund, skip a few meals to save money, sell the old car for parts, and buy a used bicycle to replace it.
Panel’s Response: Answer: D. You don’t want to use 20% of the rainy day fund because you never know when times are going to get desperate. There isn’t a worse feeling than having $8,000 in the bank when you know you could have had $10,000. It will be impossible for Jane to get a part time job because she will have to home school the kids once we close all of the public schools in Texas. And how can Dick get a part-time job without a car? So the obvious solution is D, get a cheap bike.
Scenario 2: Remnants of a hurricane pass through the area causing a massive flood that leaves a foot of water in Dick and Jane’s house. They only have one room that is livable. Since they don’t live in a flood zone, they have no flood insurance and Governor Perry does not declare it a disaster area because it was only the remnants of a hurricane as opposed to a real disaster. What should they do?
A. They should tap into the rainy day fund to find better housing or make necessary repairs.
B. Dick should work overtime and maybe pick up a weekend job to get more money.
C. Jane should work harder to clean the house.
D. They should buy a Coleman camping stove, and everyone should live in the one tiny bedroom. They can all take baths in the living room since it is flooded.
Panel’s Response: The correct answer is D, but it’s a stupid question because an electrician obviously knows how to fix stuff. He’s probably been stealing supplies from his company for years because that’s what everyone does, so fixing the house will be virtually free.
Scenario 3: Dick and Jane get into a big argument one day. Jane storms out and does some “therapy” shopping and runs up $3,000 in credit card debt. What should they do?
A. They should kiss and make up, use the rainy day fund to pay off the debt, then cut up their credit cards.
B. They should return everything and get the credit card refunded.
C. Dick should file for divorce and make Jane keep the debt in her name.
D. They should make the minimal monthly payment on the credit card for the next 43 years.
Panel’s Response: Answer D. By now everyone is acutely aware that some companies in America are too big to fail, notably banks. By making the monthly minimal payment, you keep the economy humming by helping the bank’s bottom line while saving some of your own monthly budget. When banks are sound, America is sound. Also they should make up to 10 transfers back and forth between their savings account and checking account so the bank can make a monthly charge on their account. Come on, the bank needs to be making a little something with all that rainy day money they have there.
Scenario 4: It’s the week before Christmas. Dick and Jane’s house is all decorated with several presents already under the tree. One night while the family is at church, thieves break in and steal all of the presents. What should they do?
A. They should tap into the rainy day fund to ensure the children still have a memorable Christmas.
B. They should all volunteer at the local homeless shelter so the kids can see they don’t have it as bad as others.
C. Dick can give everyone supplies he stole from work as Christmas presents.
D. They should tell the kids Santa knows they’ve been bad, and he took the presents back.
Panel’s Response: This is a trick question. A is not an option but B, C and D are all pretty good even though they ignore the moral dilemma. Most people would argue that Santa Claus is the ultimate capitalist with his contract: if you’re good, he’ll deliver. It’s totally fair and would hold up in most courts. However, we all know Santa Claus does not exist. Hence, it’s up to the parents. How many parents do you know that actually withhold presents because the kids are bad? Zero. And that makes Christmas a socialist practice. So the correct answer is: you shouldn’t celebrate Christmas at all. Unless you’re communist.
I convened a panel of misers, I mean Texas conservatives, and posed some real life examples to them, with Dick and Jane as the parents of two children. Dick is an electrician while Jane stays at home to take care of the kids. They have scrimped and saved through the years and have a healthy “rainy day fund” of $10,000 in a savings account.
Scenario 1: One day, their 1987 Chevy Nova breaks down. The transmission is shot and total repairs will cost $2000. What should they do?
A. They should tap into the rainy day fund to fix the car and replenish the fund when they can.
B. Dick should work overtime and maybe pick up a weekend job to raise the money for repairs.
C. Jane should get a part time job to help buy a new car.
D. They should not touch the rainy day fund, skip a few meals to save money, sell the old car for parts, and buy a used bicycle to replace it.
Panel’s Response: Answer: D. You don’t want to use 20% of the rainy day fund because you never know when times are going to get desperate. There isn’t a worse feeling than having $8,000 in the bank when you know you could have had $10,000. It will be impossible for Jane to get a part time job because she will have to home school the kids once we close all of the public schools in Texas. And how can Dick get a part-time job without a car? So the obvious solution is D, get a cheap bike.
Scenario 2: Remnants of a hurricane pass through the area causing a massive flood that leaves a foot of water in Dick and Jane’s house. They only have one room that is livable. Since they don’t live in a flood zone, they have no flood insurance and Governor Perry does not declare it a disaster area because it was only the remnants of a hurricane as opposed to a real disaster. What should they do?
A. They should tap into the rainy day fund to find better housing or make necessary repairs.
B. Dick should work overtime and maybe pick up a weekend job to get more money.
C. Jane should work harder to clean the house.
D. They should buy a Coleman camping stove, and everyone should live in the one tiny bedroom. They can all take baths in the living room since it is flooded.
Panel’s Response: The correct answer is D, but it’s a stupid question because an electrician obviously knows how to fix stuff. He’s probably been stealing supplies from his company for years because that’s what everyone does, so fixing the house will be virtually free.
Scenario 3: Dick and Jane get into a big argument one day. Jane storms out and does some “therapy” shopping and runs up $3,000 in credit card debt. What should they do?
A. They should kiss and make up, use the rainy day fund to pay off the debt, then cut up their credit cards.
B. They should return everything and get the credit card refunded.
C. Dick should file for divorce and make Jane keep the debt in her name.
D. They should make the minimal monthly payment on the credit card for the next 43 years.
Panel’s Response: Answer D. By now everyone is acutely aware that some companies in America are too big to fail, notably banks. By making the monthly minimal payment, you keep the economy humming by helping the bank’s bottom line while saving some of your own monthly budget. When banks are sound, America is sound. Also they should make up to 10 transfers back and forth between their savings account and checking account so the bank can make a monthly charge on their account. Come on, the bank needs to be making a little something with all that rainy day money they have there.
Scenario 4: It’s the week before Christmas. Dick and Jane’s house is all decorated with several presents already under the tree. One night while the family is at church, thieves break in and steal all of the presents. What should they do?
A. They should tap into the rainy day fund to ensure the children still have a memorable Christmas.
B. They should all volunteer at the local homeless shelter so the kids can see they don’t have it as bad as others.
C. Dick can give everyone supplies he stole from work as Christmas presents.
D. They should tell the kids Santa knows they’ve been bad, and he took the presents back.
Panel’s Response: This is a trick question. A is not an option but B, C and D are all pretty good even though they ignore the moral dilemma. Most people would argue that Santa Claus is the ultimate capitalist with his contract: if you’re good, he’ll deliver. It’s totally fair and would hold up in most courts. However, we all know Santa Claus does not exist. Hence, it’s up to the parents. How many parents do you know that actually withhold presents because the kids are bad? Zero. And that makes Christmas a socialist practice. So the correct answer is: you shouldn’t celebrate Christmas at all. Unless you’re communist.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Governor Perry Predicts Doom for Texas
Like most states, the Great Republic is trying to come to grips with a drastic revenue shortfall from the recent economic slump as the legislature attempts to complete a balanced budget for the next two years. According to democrats, we’re “zillions upon zillions of dollars short.” Governor Perry, on the other hand, says “we’re about that close” while holding his thumb and index finger half an inch apart. That may be right . . . assuming that half inch of space holds a stack of billion dollar bills.
However, the future looks bright, as Texas has saved its money for just such an occasion. Starting in 1987, the state started stuffing money under a really large mattress and called it the “Rainy Day Fund.” With great foresight and brilliant conservative thinking, the fund now holds about 9 billion dollars. This would be enough money to fix a large portion of the budget shortfall.
Unfortunately, it turns out the Rainy Day Fund is more like a giant safe . . . buried somewhere in North Korea. Under a volcano guarded by flying monkeys, trap doors, voice recognition gates, and an oracle who will ask visitors three challenging questions about cricket. In Klingon. Backwards. And your answers must be in the form of a question. Yup, that’s right, Governor Perry and his conservative lawmaker brethren have decided we can’t touch the Rainy Day Fund.
I’m all in favor of fiscal conservative policy, but miserly-to-the-point-of-starvation policy? Let me ask you this, Mr. Governor: as you debate the budget, will you be burning large bundles of cash from the fund to keep the capitol warm? Or on the first day, perhaps every legislator gets a blanket full of bills to keep himself/herself warm at night? Or maybe you’re practicing origami in order to make umbrellas out of bills so the legislators don’t get wet when it rains?
I can picture a gaunt, shoeless child approaching the governor next year:
“Um, Mr. Governor sir, can I have a dollar for my school lunch? Wait where are you?”
“I’m over here,” a Rick Perry-ish voice says.
“Oh, I can’t see you behind those stacks of money.”
“It’s my fort. In case it rains. And in case the roof leaks.”
We’re in the worst economy since the Great Depression and the governor can’t even feel a sprinkle. Maybe he’s waiting for everyone to get struck by lightning first. Or swept completely away in the downpour. Maybe we’re saving it for the day Oklahoma springs a surprise nuclear attack on us. Then we’ll be able to rebuild the state or at least the Cotton Bowl so we can keep playing Oklahoma in football.
Governor Perry is quoted as saying, “Why in the world would we want to spend dollars just because they're sitting there…” Oh I don’t know, BECAUSE THEY’RE TAX DOLLARS and that’s what you do with tax dollars. Or you can give it back. At least the federal government spends the money we send it. (And then some.).
In fact, I would expect that to be the conservative argument: “We’re going to spend it on the budget or give it back.” But no, it’s “We’re going to cut your services to the bone while we build a giant cash playground in the Capitol that we can play in all day.”
Since Governor Perry refuses to touch the Rainy Day Fund, I can only conclude that he thinks Texas is in for a doomsday scenario so scary we can’t even picture it because to do so would sear our eyes and cause mass death and destruction.
Seriously, what’s the use in having a Rainy Day Fund if you don’t believe in rain?
However, the future looks bright, as Texas has saved its money for just such an occasion. Starting in 1987, the state started stuffing money under a really large mattress and called it the “Rainy Day Fund.” With great foresight and brilliant conservative thinking, the fund now holds about 9 billion dollars. This would be enough money to fix a large portion of the budget shortfall.
Unfortunately, it turns out the Rainy Day Fund is more like a giant safe . . . buried somewhere in North Korea. Under a volcano guarded by flying monkeys, trap doors, voice recognition gates, and an oracle who will ask visitors three challenging questions about cricket. In Klingon. Backwards. And your answers must be in the form of a question. Yup, that’s right, Governor Perry and his conservative lawmaker brethren have decided we can’t touch the Rainy Day Fund.
I’m all in favor of fiscal conservative policy, but miserly-to-the-point-of-starvation policy? Let me ask you this, Mr. Governor: as you debate the budget, will you be burning large bundles of cash from the fund to keep the capitol warm? Or on the first day, perhaps every legislator gets a blanket full of bills to keep himself/herself warm at night? Or maybe you’re practicing origami in order to make umbrellas out of bills so the legislators don’t get wet when it rains?
I can picture a gaunt, shoeless child approaching the governor next year:
“Um, Mr. Governor sir, can I have a dollar for my school lunch? Wait where are you?”
“I’m over here,” a Rick Perry-ish voice says.
“Oh, I can’t see you behind those stacks of money.”
“It’s my fort. In case it rains. And in case the roof leaks.”
We’re in the worst economy since the Great Depression and the governor can’t even feel a sprinkle. Maybe he’s waiting for everyone to get struck by lightning first. Or swept completely away in the downpour. Maybe we’re saving it for the day Oklahoma springs a surprise nuclear attack on us. Then we’ll be able to rebuild the state or at least the Cotton Bowl so we can keep playing Oklahoma in football.
Governor Perry is quoted as saying, “Why in the world would we want to spend dollars just because they're sitting there…” Oh I don’t know, BECAUSE THEY’RE TAX DOLLARS and that’s what you do with tax dollars. Or you can give it back. At least the federal government spends the money we send it. (And then some.).
In fact, I would expect that to be the conservative argument: “We’re going to spend it on the budget or give it back.” But no, it’s “We’re going to cut your services to the bone while we build a giant cash playground in the Capitol that we can play in all day.”
Since Governor Perry refuses to touch the Rainy Day Fund, I can only conclude that he thinks Texas is in for a doomsday scenario so scary we can’t even picture it because to do so would sear our eyes and cause mass death and destruction.
Seriously, what’s the use in having a Rainy Day Fund if you don’t believe in rain?
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