In recent news, an Arizona state
legislator has come up with the novel idea that the federal
government should force people to attend the church of each person's
choice once a week. Alert readers would think that I would object to
this jack-booted federal overreach seeing as how I tried to avoid
church whenever possible as a kid. But these dear readers would be
wrong. No, I don't want to be forced to go to church every Sunday, but I would like to own and operate churches in a country where citizens are forced to
attend church.
What is almost as much fun as going to
church on Sundays? Watching sports of course, especially football.
Welcome to my new church: The Church Of the NFL
or CON for short. As the first Pope of this church, I have
taken the name Pope Rockefeller.
Allow me to sermonize:
"In the name of Lombardi, Shula,
and Halas, let's huddle up. Amen. A preacher once said, 'If Jesus
played football, he'd play it hard-nosed but within the rules. He
wouldn't hesitate to run over you, but then he'd shake your hand
after the game win or lose.'
"You know what else Jesus would
have wanted if he played football? He'd want you to watch. On a 75
inch high-def big screen. Welcome to our CON
sanctuary featuring 60 big screen televisions and a plush leather
recliner for each worshiper. Our altar has 17 taps featuring the
finest Abbey Ales, Trappist Ales and of course every flavor from St.
Arnold Brewery.
"Start
the day in our confessional where you can confess your sins or
discuss the upcoming games and point spreads with Father Bookie.
(Wink, wink.) What's better than professional cheerleaders on a big
screen tv? Live cheerleaders Altar
Girls. They'll come around with the collection plate and for a
special price will take you back to the VIP room confessional where you can negotiate an even bigger donation.
"At
halftime and between games, you'll be invited to take part in the
holy sacrament of Buffalo Wings and Nachos. Wash it down with some
holy water from our own Bishop Jack Daniels. And then we'll pray,
'May the coin toss be with you.'
(Response:
'And also with you.')
'You
may now fist bump your neighbor.'
"The
only singing in our sanctuary is that old 'Houston Oilers, Houston
Oilers...' song. Chanting and foul language are allowed - when
you feel the holy spirit of Curly Lambeau coursing through your
veins, you can ask to be saved and baptized under a shower of
Natural Lite.
"All
of this can be yours for the small tithe of $39.95 per week plus a 2-drink minimum of our sacramental wine or beer."
As Pope of this new style of Sunday morning worship, I would offer other franchises denominations as well:
First
Baseball Church
Major
Church of the NCAA (Major CON )
NASCAR
Witnesses
National
Cathedral of Hockey (Canadian licensing available)
First
United Basketball Church
Anglican
Church of Lesser Sports
So now hiring, Bishops, Rooks, Arch-Bishops and altar girls.
For
more info, contact me at pope.rockefeller@con.com
