Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Pope Rockefeller the First

In recent news, an Arizona state legislator has come up with the novel idea that the federal government should force people to attend the church of each person's choice once a week. Alert readers would think that I would object to this jack-booted federal overreach seeing as how I tried to avoid church whenever possible as a kid. But these dear readers would be wrong. No, I don't want to be forced to go to church every Sunday, but I would like to own and operate churches in a country where citizens are forced to attend church.

What is almost as much fun as going to church on Sundays? Watching sports of course, especially football. Welcome to my new church: The Church Of the NFL or CON for short. As the first Pope of this church, I have taken the name Pope Rockefeller.

Allow me to sermonize:

"In the name of Lombardi, Shula, and Halas, let's huddle up. Amen. A preacher once said, 'If Jesus played football, he'd play it hard-nosed but within the rules. He wouldn't hesitate to run over you, but then he'd shake your hand after the game win or lose.'

"You know what else Jesus would have wanted if he played football? He'd want you to watch. On a 75 inch high-def big screen. Welcome to our CON sanctuary featuring 60 big screen televisions and a plush leather recliner for each worshiper. Our altar has 17 taps featuring the finest Abbey Ales, Trappist Ales and of course every flavor from St. Arnold Brewery.

"Start the day in our confessional where you can confess your sins or discuss the upcoming games and point spreads with Father Bookie. (Wink, wink.) What's better than professional cheerleaders on a big screen tv? Live cheerleaders Altar Girls. They'll come around with the collection plate and for a special price will take you back to the VIP room confessional where you can negotiate an even bigger donation.

"At halftime and between games, you'll be invited to take part in the holy sacrament of Buffalo Wings and Nachos. Wash it down with some holy water from our own Bishop Jack Daniels. And then we'll pray, 'May the coin toss be with you.'

(Response: 'And also with you.')

'You may now fist bump your neighbor.'

"The only singing in our sanctuary is that old 'Houston Oilers, Houston Oilers...' song. Chanting and foul language are allowed - when you feel the holy spirit of Curly Lambeau coursing through your veins, you can ask to be saved and baptized under a shower of Natural Lite.

"All of this can be yours for the small tithe of $39.95 per week plus a 2-drink minimum of our sacramental wine or beer."

As Pope of this new style of Sunday morning worship, I would offer other franchises denominations as well:

First Baseball Church

Major Church of the NCAA (Major CON )

NASCAR Witnesses

National Cathedral of Hockey (Canadian licensing available)

First United Basketball Church

Anglican Church of Lesser Sports

So now hiring, Bishops, Rooks, Arch-Bishops and altar girls.

For more info, contact me at pope.rockefeller@con.com




15 comments:

  1. Hahahahaha! Sounds like a bloody good idea to me! Am I the first to join your congregation? Am I the congregation?

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    1. Yes, you are! Welcome, I mean, bless you! And may you always recover the onside kick. Thanks for the comment!

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    2. Okay...now that's all done and dusted...when do we get started? :)

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    3. I'll just need a credit card...

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    4. Will a used Christmas card do?

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  2. Ah, Dex, I would gladly attend the church of Klemperer!

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    1. Welcome sister! Glad to hear it! Thanks for the comment.

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  3. We've already got the Most Holy Apostolic Church of Hockey in Canada. Wayne Gretzky is the current Pope and Sid Crosby is our Holy Spirit. The Stanley Cup is our Holy Grail. Communion is a Tim's Double Double and Timbits. Our national hymn is Puck of Ages.

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    1. Puck of Ages, most excellent! I will never blaspheme hockey in this blog again. Thanks for the comment!

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  4. Okay...it's time to explain yourself, Dexter!!! Where are you???

    I hope all is well with you and yours. :)

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    1. Still here! Went through some changes. After working at home for 15 years, started a new job where I go into the office everyday. I'm still trying to figure out my time management. Hope to be posting again this week. Thanks for asking!

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    2. Wow! That would be a shock to the system and routine! I imagine it would be very difficult to get used to! :)

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    3. Have you forgotten your way back home, Dexter?? You should've left a breadcrumb trail! :)

      I hope all is going well with your new job.

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  5. It is forever since you've blogged, Dexter (it would appear you've not yet been able to work out the time management)...but in the hope you might pop in before Christmas...Christmas 2015, that is...I wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

    I hope 2016 treats you kindly. Take good care...best wishes from Down Under. :)

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    1. Yeah, I'm still getting it together. I will return in early January I swear! Thanks for the kind words and I hope you have a merry Christmas and happy new year as well! Enjoy your summer; expecting 5 inches of snow here this weekend!

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