Saturday, February 27, 2010

Jumping on the Conspiracy Bandwagon

Three disturbing incidents happened recently in the great republic of Texas; henceforth referred to as the “Great Republic” subtitled “With Options to Secede.” (While doing a spell check on secede, I discovered a website: So make that four disturbing incidents in recent weeks.)

First, a nut who claimed to have been the victim of an oppressive IRS--yet still owned his own airplane--slammed said airplane into an office building, killing himself and an innocent victim and seriously injuring others. The nut was distraught because he tried to form his own church to avoid paying taxes. (Had he seen Fred Sanford try the same thing on an episode of “Sanford and Son,” he would have realized that effort would turn out badly.) To top it all off, his daughter, apparently desperate to get on the news, hailed him as a hero. She eventually backed off the statement, I suppose after a lot of people shook her, slapped her, and reminded her that innocent lives were lost.

Disturbing Incidents Numbers Two and Three would be that two candidates for governor of the Great Republic revealed that they are not entirely certain the US government wasn’t involved in the 9/11 terror attacks. (And I don’t think anyone has asked Rick Perry yet.) Easy as it is for me to concede that Dick Cheney can be sinister and diabolical, even I couldn’t make that leap. This has really brought pandering to an incredible low; these two candidates might as well encourage twelve-year-olds to get to the polls, because pre-teens are about as likely to vote as the conspiracy theorists who are battened down in their bomb shelters.

But this made me realize that conspiracy theorists are now getting into the mainstream. And I want a piece of the action. So today I present three conspiracy theories to see how far we can run with them.

The Toyota Conspiracy

By now everyone is well aware that you can climb into any Toyota car in Maine, go to sleep and wake up in Los Angeles. That’s because thoughtful engineers made the accelerator more like an “on/off” switch except the off part doesn’t work. This has led to many accidents, massive recalls and tearful reports of a woman phoning her husband while her car throttled out of control so she could hear his voice one last time. Hopefully, she was cited for using a cell phone while driving. (But then any good lawyer would have pointed out that she really wasn’t driving.)

Most people would argue that this is just an unfortunate screw-up, the cars will get fixed and a few Japanese auto executives will jump from 20th floor windows. But . . . it is actually a conspiracy. Who would benefit most from the demise of the Toyota brand? Ford and GM. But mostly, the U.S. taxpayer. Remember the massive billion dollar taxpayer-funded loans to GM to keep it afloat? What better way to ensure it gets paid back than eliminating the competition? For the past 18 months, CIA operatives have been sneaking around putting crazy glue onto Toyota gas pedals. And if you think I’m crazy, well . . . Volvo owners, beware. I’m just saying.

The Long Cold Winter Conspiracy

This has been a miserable winter, and we haven’t even seen the worst of it here in the central Great Republic. A lot of ill-informed weather people would like for you to believe that it is because of El Nino, some sort of weather phenomena or snow god who controls the pacific ocean spewing cold air and blizzards into the United States. But what you may not realize is that “El Nino” is Portuguese for “Al Ninny” or, loosely translated by this conspiracy theorist, “Al Gore is a ninny.” That’s because this long cold winter is actually a conspiracy to prove that global warming is a myth and that Al Gore is indeed a ninny.

“But you can’t control the weather,” a reasonable person might say. Not so fast. Think back to February 2 when all eyes were focused on famous groundhog Punxsutawney Phil, who on an overcast morning would predict how long winter would last. As he came out of his home, everyone was sure he wouldn’t see his shadow on an overcast day. But what most people didn’t know was that high above in a black helicopter, CIA operatives shined a powerful flashlight down creating the shadow that caused Phil to predict six more harsh weeks of winter. Meanwhile, the oil and natural gas fat cats just get richer. And Al Gore is a ninny.

The Canadian Women’s Ice Hockey Gold Medal Conspiracy

CIA operatives disguised as hockey referees ensured that the Canadian women would win the hockey gold medal at the Olympics the other day.

You might say, “That’s crazy. You’ve gone too far. Why would the CIA sabotage the U.S. team? U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A! Woof! Woof! Woof!”

Partly it was just to demonstrate that we could. But mostly it was to show that Canadian women are a bunch of out of control, rabble-rousing, cigar-smoking, beer-swilling lumberjacks. After the medal ceremony, the Canadian women came back onto the ice to revel in their victory. CIA operatives disguised as photographers caught all the action of the Canadian lasses lighting up big fat stogies, drinking champagne and beer and honking the zamboni horn. My favorite photo is of the woman sprawled on the ice next to a 40 of what was probably Molson. Reports also surfaced there was some underage drinking, which is actually pretty stunning because, really, I thought Canada didn’t have a minimum drinking age.

So the master plan was to prove that Canadian women are, well, a lot of fun. Because if the U.S. had won, there would have been no champagne, beer, or underage drinking—this last for sure, because it’s strictly frowned upon and never ever happens in the U.S. The U.S. women would have celebrated by tearing off their tops because that is what happens when they win world championships, as evidenced by the 1999 World Cup. And the CIA would not let that happen this time.

Once upon a time you had to look under rocks in barren places to find a good conspiracy. But nowadays, if you glance around, you can find one just about anywhere--with a little imagination.

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