Bigfoot Prefers Not to Be Found

A while back I wrote about my late-night television guilty habit of watching Ghost Adventures. I have since lost interest in that show as it has become less about hunting for ghosts and more about their audio detection devices such as the “spirit box,” which can amazingly translate white noise like “grrmphhxsskshhelkuyayt” into “kill you!” I have since discovered a much more superior show, Finding Bigfoot.

The show follows the adventures of three bigfoot nerds (including a man named Bobo) and a skeptical female biologist as they travel the world trying to find hard evidence of Bigfoot. But you don't have to watch the show--I'll just summarize one, because they are all pretty much the same:

Opening stock “preview” scene: video of a roaring beast that looks suspiciously like a gorilla.

Cut to: The team is in a car headed to a town hall meeting. Upon arrival, locals relate their Bigfoot stories. The Bigfoot hunters then pick the most credible sources from the meeting, jump back into the car, and tear off to where the most impressive incident happened. There, the eye witness demonstrates what he/she was doing and what he/she saw or heard. Then the experts send Bobo to the exact spot of the Bigfoot sighting. The witness then points out, “No, no, the creature was much taller than that.” At this point, the experts then deem the witness as extremely credible, since the measurements reported by the witness concur almost exactly with other reports of the height and breadth of a sasquatch (or “squatch,” to those in the know).

One time a witness described a series of footprints where a Bigfoot had come through. The experts recreated the footprints and decided that no human could possible duplicate that gait. The female biologist, ever playing devil’s advocate, quickly ran through the footprints demonstrating just the opposite. Bobo said, “Yeah, but how far could you have kept up that pace, huh?”

At this point the experts pick a spot to stake out during the night. They separate into pairs and proceed to make bigfoot calls hoping to attract one or two. The first night usually ends in disappointment.

Next comes a commercial break including Bigfoot trivia like:

“True or False. A bigfoot can run up to 30 miles per hour.”

“True or False. A bigfoot can swim.”

Amazingly, both of those statements are true! Not sure how they figured it out, but I guess they timed Bobo in a forty yard sprint and figured an animal twice his size can run twice as fast.

Next one member of the team will spend a few days by himself/herself in the woods in a solo field investigation. This usually involves a scary encounter with a raccoon or deer via night vision goggles. Meanwhile, the others continue interviewing more witnesses.

Finally, the whole team spends another night in the woods making Bigfoot calls and hitting trees with baseball bats because bigfoots like sports (another true fact, you heard it here first). Then they will stumble into an area where tree branches have been mysteriously bent, which we learn is obviously caused by a Bigfoot traipsing through the area. Then we reach the startlingly climax where someone will suddenly say, “Stop!” or “Ssshhhh! Did you hear that?” and cut to commercial.

After the commercial, we see everyone looking around through night vision goggles which will display a small blip in the distance. “Yep, that's Bigfoot,” or more likely a raccoon, or a deer, or a jackalope. Sometimes they'll say, “I heard it! There's definitely a squatch in the area!” Amazingly, they never record the sounds.

In the end, they gather up in the dark and assess the mission and congratulate themselves: “Well, there was definitely a lot of activity in the area, and this mission was a success!”

By contrast, perhaps that's where Ghost Adventures succeeds: the ghost hunters realized after several seasons that they needed the viewer to hear the sounds of ghosts, so they came up with devices that would interpret the white noise for us, while the Bigfoot crew just says, “Yessirree, we heard a lot of ‘squatches tonight! Trust us. Would Bobo lie?”

But I always have to stay up for the ending, because I don’t want to miss when they actually capture a Bigfoot on film.

I Don't Dream of This Genie

If you watch television, you are probably familiar with the DirectTV genie commercial where a mysterious genie appears in front of a television screen like Vanna White, and I guess adjusts the volume or changes the channel for you. I have nothing against genies and was a big fan of “I Dream of Jeannie” with Barbara Eden, and I even enjoy the genie from Bugs Bunny cartoons.  But for some reason I find the Direct TV genie about as appealing as a week-old tumbler of bourbon and coke with cigarette butts soaking in it. She looks like an underage streetwalker after a really bad night.

So, although the genie is supposed to entice us into ordering Direct TV, I just get horrific images of her materializing out of nowhere:

. . . I came back from the kitchen with a bowl of popcorn in my hand when I noticed the genie draped across my television set. She smiled and waved at me, then fell to the floor with a shriek.

“What the--?”

“I'm good, I'm okay,” she said, struggling to her feet. “So, you want some Direct TV?”

“No thank you. I have cable.”

She pouted, crossed her arms, then dropped to the floor cross-legged.

“How'd you get in here?”

“I'm a genie. I snap my fingers, wiggle my nose. Or something. Actually, Direct TV pushes a button and sends me through the television.”

“That's impossible.”

“Says the guy that still has ancient cable.” She stood up and walked towards our bar. “You got any vodka?”

“No, just Scotch and tequila.”

“Cranberry or apple infused?”

“No, and I don’t think you should have--.”

She interrupted me by grabbing the tequila and heading back into the living room. She plopped down on the couch and took a swig from the bottle.

She swiped her mouth with the back of a hand then burped. “Anything good on?” she said, pointing at the television.

“I was just getting ready to watch a basketball game.”

“Pppffft. Bo-ring! You need Direct TV. Turn on Downton Abbey, and we'll do a shot every time someone says, 'my lord' or 'my lady.'”

“I don't want Direct TV, and I want to watch basketball. And you shouldn’t--”

“Whatever.” She pulled a cigarette from somewhere in her lacy outfit. “Mind if I smoke?”

“Yes. In fact, you should leave.”

She produced a lighter shaped like a grenade, lit up, and took a puff. A funny smell wafted my way.

“Is that--”

“Yeah,” she said with a smirk. “Should I have brought my bong?” She said this while holding her breath, holding the wet end towards me.

“No thanks. You need to go. And I don't think a 14-year-old should be drinking and smoking.”

“Fourteen? Ha! I'm legal.”

“Really? Old enough to drink?”

“Well, old enough for your dirty thoughts.” She winked. I shuddered.

“Get out of here!” I looked around as if an older, wiser genie was going to materialize and offer to take her off my hands.

She giggled. “Call some friends. Let's have a party.”

“You're the genie. Why don’t you call someone? Better yet, order us a dozen pizzas.” My freezer was empty at the moment.

“No wishes granted until you order Direct TV.” She stood up and walked to the kitchen. “Got any food?”

She came back into the living room munching from a bag of cheetos. She wiped her hand on her dress, ate another handful, then smeared the orange stuff across the back of the couch.

That was it. “Stop! Look, I'm not interested in Direct TV. You need to leave. Now.”

“Suit yourself.” She blinked, snapped her fingers, wiggled her nose, then crossed her arms and nodded. “Whoopsie! Still here! Looks like you’re stuck with me until you sign up.”

“Fine, sign me up,” I said, figuring I could cancel as soon as she left. I went to my office and grabbed an expired credit card, came back, and handed it to her.

“Great! I'll have to go swipe this and bring it right back to you.”

She started to snap her fingers then ran to the bar and grabbed a bottle of bourbon.

“A little something for the road,” she said.

This time she snapped her fingers and disappeared in a cloud of smoke through the television screen. I waited a minute then turned off the television. I haven't watched it since.

Better Homes and ...

Recently, St. Pauli Girl complained of my habit of watching the Cartoon Network in bed. She had a point; we both know “We’re off on the road to Rhode Island” from memory. So in a magnanimous gesture, I now flip the channel to HGTV after my cartoons are over where we watch a show called “House Hunters.” The show features various couples trying to move out of their clustered apartments/homes to something bigger and nicer. The drama is heightened as they view three homes, and in the climax, they tell us which one they bought.

I believe all of the shows must have been taped three or four years ago, back before the housing meltdown and when sub-prime mortgages were hot rather than toxic. My favorite part of the show is when the couple announces their budget, the size of which always amazes me, and after I give them the benefit of the doubt that they maybe just won the lottery or inherited a fortune, they proclaim they bought the house with no money down.

And so here is an example of how an episode gets developed:

(HGTV producer is invited into a small, rundown house in an old area of town where he meets young couple Joe and Sheila Smith)

Producer: Your home is a lot nicer on the inside. We’ll probably stick with exterior shots.

Sheila: This really isn’t our home. It’s my mom’s. We live in the garage.

Producer: Great! Let’s check it out.

(Sheila leads the group to the garage which holds a bed, couch, small table and microwave oven next to a large empty space.)

Producer: Hmmm. When you said garage, I thought you meant bedroom converted from a garage. But, there is lots of space here.

Sheila: That’s because my mom is at work. She parks the car there when she comes home.

Joe: Makes it tough to sleep in on Saturdays when she gets up early to go the market.

Producer: Good one, Joe. We can use that line. Let me make a note that we’ll want to film some when your mom is here. Next, let’s talk about budget. Tell me about your income.

Joe: Well, I work the graveyard shift at the Grab-n-Go and Sheila has her own business. She’s a substitute home-school teacher. If someone home-schools their kids and needs a day off, they call Sheila.

Producer: Wow! There’s a demand for that?

Sheila: Not as much as I had hoped.

Producer: Fine. We’ll put you down as entrepreneur, and we’ll say that Joe is in retail. Any rich relatives that can help you out?

Joe: Just her mom. She’s kind of nudging us out. Every day she parks a little bit closer to the bed.

Producer: No problem. I think we can safely assume a $600K budget.

Sheila: Dang! Is HGTV giving us all that?

Producer: No, we can’t do that. We can give you a nice house-warming gift though. Maybe a fern.

Joe: We only have about $400 in savings. Is that going to be enough?

Producer: Oh yeah. I know a guy who will take good care of you. Yoshii. He’s a mortgage dealer. They call him Samurai Mortgage Broker because he’ll slice your mortgage about a hundred ways and then sell the parts to investors.

Sheila: That sure is nice of those investors to give us a nice house like that.

Producer: Well, of course you’ll be paying the mortgage. But the good news is that not only do you need no money down, Yoshii will also give you a $2,000 refund.

Joe: Wow! How can he do that?

Producer: Because investors love this investment. Plus your interest rate will be 4%. Now it is variable, but one thing we’ve learned in the past 15 years is that mortgage rates always go lower and house values always increase. Buying a home puts you on the road to wealth.

Joe: And to think I just wanted a man cave.

Producer: Now let’s talk about show specifics. First, we’ll be showing you three houses to choose from.

Sheila: Do we get to pick out those three?

Producer: No. HGTV does that for you, with some help from Yoshii. Actually, with a lot of help from Yoshii.

Sheila: Doesn’t that limit our options?

Producer: Look, do you want the $2,000 or not? Anyway, as you look at the houses, remember, America is looking with you, and you are the entertainment. So you’ll need to be commenting on the house. We’ve got some standard lines to help. When you can’t think of anything else to say, use one of these. First, there’s “I really like the open floor plan.”

Joe: What does that mean?

Producer: It just means that you can see the living room television from the kitchen. But don’t say that. You’ll want to say something like “we can keep an eye on the kids from the kitchen.”

Sheila: I still don’t understand open floor plan.

Producer: Well, notice how right now, you can see the lawn mower all the way across the garage. That’s an open floor plan. When your mom gets home and parks her car here, it becomes a closed floor plan. Another thing to say when looking at a kitchen or patio: “This will be great for entertaining” followed by “we do a lot of entertaining.”

Sheila: But we really don’t do much entertaining with Joe working nights.

Producer: Do you ever eat dinner with your mom?

Sheila: Every night.

Producer: That’s a lot of entertaining. And if you can’t think of anything else, you can always say, “It’s a little small” or “Needs to be updated.”

Joe: But what if that’s not true?

Producer: It’s always true. You can never have a house that’s too big or that doesn’t need updating. What is the number one, most important thing you’ll be looking for in a house?

Sheila: A big private master bathroom that we don’t have to share with anyone.

Producer: Great. We’ll tell everyone you really want a big backyard.

Joe: But we don’t. I hate mowing.

Producer: This is to fool America. Lately, they’ve gotten pretty good at guessing which homes people buy and quite frankly, they’re losing interest. So we put a little red herring out there to make it trickier. They think you’re going to choose the house with the biggest backyard, then bam! You actually end up with the big fat master bath. See how it works? Lastly, remember you are on television, and you are essentially performers.

(He gazes at Sheila for a minute)

You’ll want to dress nice. Maybe something lowcut. Also, do you have any slutty friends that might want to be on tv, I mean, could help you in your house hunting?

Sheila: No.

Joe: What about Gayle? Remember that one time--

(Joe is cut off by Sheila’s icy glare.)

Joe: Okay, so, what about me? Should I wear a sports jacket, maybe a tie?

Producer: Nah, you won’t matter. Everyone knows it’s the woman who picks out the house. Besides, by the time we’re done editing, you’re going to look like a doofus anyway.