Notes from an Extended Dance Vacation

We recently returned from one of our longest vacations ever (8 days) which involved driving half-way across the country:

On day 1, we checked into our hotel. The hotel clerk handed me the key along with a typed note detailing the high crime in the area and advising us to not leave anything in our car. We carried everything into the room then locked ourselves inside until dawn.

Actually we did go out for dinner and enjoyed a pleasant evening on a deck overlooking the river where 2 guys sang and played guitars. One guy performed while he smoked a cigarette. When he played, he held the cigarette in his mouth, and when he sang he strummed the guitar with the cigarette in his fingers. America’s got talent.

On day 2, we struggled driving through massive storms in Arkansas which eventually brought traffic to a halt. St. Pauli Girl doesn’t like to sit still and told me she was going to drive the car down a steep embankment, through the grassy median to the other side of the interstate where we could then plan an alternate route. Luckily traffic started moving before she could proceed with her plan. Later when traffic stopped again, she gunned the car through a construction area and did a U-turn on the interstate.

Day Two’s Lesson: Never order “Fish and Chips” at a truck stop. Unless you grew up in the 70’s and loved fish sticks.

We finally made it all the way to Memphis where of course we had to go to Graceland. They provide you with a set of headphones for your own personal audio walking tour. The narrator pointed out that flash photography is not allowed in the mansion. The bus driver reiterated this warning, followed by additional warnings from tour guides as we got off the bus and just before we entered the mansion. Within 30 seconds of entering the mansion, flashes started going off. But the cool thing was that activated a hidden, pre-recorded, booming voice in the house which once again advised against flash photography. A less sophisticated person would think it was Elvis’ voice from beyond the grave. But more than likely, it was the Colonel’s.



That night we actually had a great time on Beale Street which I expected to be a big tourist trap. We stumbled onto the Brandon Santini Band which I highly recommend to anyone who enjoys great music. At one point, St. Pauli Girl asked me to get her a chardonnay in this sketchy blues club which specialized in Pabst Blue Ribbon in Big Gulp cups. “If I do that, they might kick my ass,” I told her.

I finally went up to the bar and told the bartender loudly, “PBR in the big cup,” then whispered while shrugging and rolling my eyes, “and a chardonnay for the little lady.” I successfully came back with drinks to the table and no fisticuffs.

We arrived in Cincinnati where my brother had set up golf tee-times at his exclusive country club. Of course it rained, and we had to cancel. I accused my brother of never having ever belonged to even the local putt-putt course as this was the third time we had been rained out at playing at one of his “exclusive” clubs. The scary thing is this means my brother can control the weather.

Day 5: Duck Fat French Fries!

I confess that I love a good wedding. It’s just one of those great, feel-good celebrations where everyone is joyous except for those involved in the planning and those that get their car dinged in the church parking lot. A great wedding needs three things:

1. Alcohol (a cash bar is fine)

2. Heavy hors d'oeuvres (or full sit-down dinner)

3. Dancing (including at least 2 or 3 polka songs)

(optional) A fight and/or wardrobe malfunction between women trying to catch the bridal bouquet

Luckily this wedding had all three and then some! But the wedding and our entire trip was almost ruined when the DJ cut off “Kung Fu Fighting” in the middle of the song. He should probably have his license revoked. So really, the full-length version of “Kung Fu Fighting” is the fourth thing a great wedding needs. And it must be the Carl Douglas version. But if you don't have music then a real kung fu fight is also acceptable.

On our way home, we stopped at a hotel and asked for a non-smoking room. We received a room where the ashtray had been turned upside down. (And if you guessed Arkansas, you win a free lifetime membership to this blog.)

Vegas For the Win!

We recently returned from our Las Vegas vacation, and it’s time to add up the wins and losses:

It hasn’t rained in this area for it seems 6 months, but it was raining as we drove to the airport for our departure: I volunteer to park the car to spare St. Pauli Girl’s hair. As soon as I park, the rain comes down even harder. I have to run to two different shuttle bus stations. By the time I get to the terminal, I’m soaked. Loss

Since it was vacation as well as 8:30 a.m., we treat ourselves to Bloody Mary’s on the plane. The debit card machine breaks down, and the flight attendant never comes back for payment. Free drinks for the Win!

Flight arrives early. Baggage arrives quickly, no waiting for the rental car. We arrive at the Paris for brunch 30 minutes earlier than planned, get a great table on the outdoor patio at Mon Ami Gabi after only a 15 minute wait. Win

“I can’t wait to gamble,” I said. “We are on quite a roll.”

VIP check-in at the Golden Nugget, no waiting. Win (Okay we paid extra for this as we were celebrating the sale of our restaurant.)

No more Elvis slot machines at the Golden Nugget. Loss

A lot of high profile chefs these days offer exclusive (read: expensive) kitchen seating where you can see all the action up close. For a mere fraction of the cost, sit at the Binion’s Café counter which is directly in front of the grill. Watch the talented grill cook handle 20 pounds of hash browns and 15 hamburgers and buns at once, plus eggs and bacon. Enjoy the show as he berates the servers for grabbing the wrong plates. And it’s tough to beat Binion’s Hangover Burger, even if you don’t have a hangover. Win for the food and the entertainment.

65-year-old male bartender singing along to ABBA’s “Dancing Queen.” Win

To get away from the casinos for awhile, St. Pauli Girl finds some antique shops to browse. As we walk through a shop, we hear a woman screaming from up front:

“Don’t touch me! Don’t %&# touch me! Do you hear me? You call my grandmother and ask her who #&^% runs this shop! What did you call me? You think I’m not worldly and smart? Who the *%#@ do you think you are saying that to, *%#@*? You call my grandmother and ask her! Then you come back and tell me who the %&# runs this shop!”

At that point, we run into another vendor and ask him, “Is there a back door?”

“Oh don’t worry. This happens all the time. No big deal.”

When we hear a pause in the screaming, we run for the front door. Push (It was funny afterwards but actually pretty scary in the store.)

St. Pauli Girl orders meatloaf for dinner. Loss

At midnight, we drive past a guy sitting on the ground meditating in the lotus position on top of the Main Street Station parking garage. Win

Woman asks bartender if they have any better wines.

“Not for comps,” he replies.

“Then can I have a taste of the white zinfandel?”

Apparently even comped drinkers can be choosy. Win for entertainment.

$13.99 a day for internet access in the hotel? You can get free access at Motel 6, and they’ll leave the light on for you! Loss

Playing blackjack next to a barefoot 80 year old Chinese man who rubs his arm a certain way for luck on every hand. We both get dealt a blackjack. He gives me a fist bump. Win

Playing blackjack next to a guy who is providing color commentary on his own play. Loss

We go out to the pool bar for an afternoon cocktail, find out it’s last call. Push

Call hotel maintenance because our smoke detector keeps beeping. Before he replaces it, he asks, “You sure you don’t have anything in your luggage that’s beeping?” Push

Unsure what to do for lunch, we break down and hit the cheap buffet. Vegas buffets have become quite good over the years and some of them charge $50 to $80 per person. This one charges $7.99. And it isn’t worth it. Epic Loss

Total gambling: Loss

Our flight arrives back in Austin and apparently it hasn’t stopped raining since we left. I volunteer to get the car. It’s pouring again. I’m sure I parked in space 80, but that’s not our car. After running around and getting soaked, turns out I parked in space 60. And in another section. Plus I’m pretty sure everyone on the shuttle bus was laughing at me. Loss

Faux Vegas

Last month, St. Pauli Girl’s parents were in town, a week before they were to go to Las Vegas. Throughout the weekend, St. Pauli Girl’s mom continually pointed out how they had gotten a room at the Golden Nugget for $39 a night. She kept dropping hints that we should go as well. About the same time, we discovered a leaking pipe in the wall of the house. I suggested to St. Pauli Girl’s mom that maybe she should invite our plumber to join them as he is about to come into a lot of money.

Unfortunately, we cannot afford a vacation this summer. (This is doubly depressing because even Eduardo, St. Pauli Girl’s son, can afford to go to Las Vegas in July.) So with the July 4 weekend approaching, we decided to make the best of it and pretend we were in Las Vegas for 3 days. We would essentially re-enact a typical trip playing our favorite games and eating at our favorite restaurants.

(Note: It helps to have a good imagination and a great cook in the household. But then again, you can always order take-out.)

Before the trip, we bought several lotto scratch off tickets as prizes for the winner of each gambling session. We would also keep a running total of earnings and whoever won the most after day 3 would receive the grand prize of $42 million! (assuming the PowerBall ticket we bought won.)

Friday, July 2

1:00 p.m. Our plane arrived in Faux Vegas. We quickly checked into the Golden Nugget then headed to the Triple 7 Brewpub in Main Street Station. We recreated the sampler brew platter with a few selections of our own homebrew then had a lunch of beer battered fish and chips (homemade Parmesan fries).

2:00 p.m. Our first gambling session was at Main Street Station which is a great place to gamble because you can get free microbrews in the casino. We set up our laptops adjacent to each other on a table and played online video poker and slots while enjoying “Songs of the 70’s” weekend on the radio.

(If you have never been to a casino but you have played online games and think you have it all figured out, Vegas operators are standing by ready to give you a cheap room. If these online games were in Vegas, all of the casinos would be bankrupt in a weekend.)

We set a time limit and assumed that we were always playing 25 cent machines. Playing strictly Video Poker I managed to grind out a $20 investment into $1501.25. St. Pauli Girl took advantage of the really loose slots to rack up $2113.25. We immediately checked out of the Golden Nugget and used our winnings to score a nice room with a balcony overlooking the fountains at the Bellagio. This is easily done in Faux Vegas.

St. Pauli Girl won the first ticket which revealed…..$0.

4:00 p.m. Next came the blackjack tournament at the Las Vegas Club one of our favorite places to gamble (and it’s not because the cocktail waitresses wear cheerleading uniforms.) The online blackjack was the most real game we played all weekend. Real in that we lost. Quite a bit. We both started with $1000 with a 90-minute time limit. The session came to an abrupt end when St. Pauli Girl lost the last of her $1000 and elected not to deposit more money. With my $700 winnings, I now had a commanding lead on her for the weekend plus a scratch off ticket which revealed….. $0.

9:00 p.m. Time for dinner. We didn’t know we’d be moving to the Bellagio so we had already made our dinner plans. The biggest drawback of downtown Las Vegas is the lack of nice restaurants. So we chose Hugo’s Cellar which has some nice atmosphere and its trademarks of giving every woman a rose and fixing salads tableside. The place makes you feel like it’s 1975, but then again, everything downtown makes you feel that way.

St. Pauli Girl fixed our tableside salads followed by a bacon-wrapped filet mignon served on top of crab with a Bearnaise Sauce.

We followed that up with a quick nightcap of a 30-minute slot tournament. After realizing how loose the online slots were, I abandoned my dislike of slots in general and eked out a small victory which earned me another scratch-off card which revealed….$0.

Saturday, July 3

9:00 a.m. It was a beautiful day in Faux Vegas at the lovely Bellagio. We sat on our balcony enjoying one of our favorite Vegas pastimes: chocolate croissants and coffee. Shortly, we realized something was missing: the Bellagio fountains of course! I went down and turned on our sprinkler system and put my favorite martial music on the stereo.

12:00 p.m. Day 2 gambling kicked off with a video poker session at the Golden Gate. One of the best things about the Golden Gate is they have $3 tables so when you stick with $5 bets, you look like a whale. Thanks to a wildcard royal flush, St. Pauli Girl escaped with a win and won a scratch-off card that paid…..$0.

1:30 p.m. While we were at the Golden Gate, we had to enjoy a world famous 99 cent shrimp cocktail. (FYI: Sam’s Club sells a near replica of the cocktail sauce, but of course St. Pauli Girl made her own).

2:00 p.m. The next gambling session involved a player’s choice of slots or video poker. Having learned my lesson, I stuck mostly to slots this time. I kept a close tab on St. Pauli Girl and realized I had a nice $400 lead. She was interrupted by a phone call. To make things fair (and knowing I would win), like a World Cup soccer referee I offered her ten minutes of injury time to make up for the interruption. So with one minute to go, she proceeds to hit the biggest jackpot of the weekend, thereby earning another scratch-off card worth….$0.

4:00 p.m. Back to the blackjack tables. Once again, online blackjack treated us like real Vegas where we both dropped a total of $295.

5:00 p.m. Off to the Wine Cellar at the Rio. This has always been one of our favorite discoveries, a cozy wine bar in the basement of the Rio where they serve wine flights: a small sample of three similar wines. St. Pauli Girl put together a wine flight with what we had available. I managed to guess all three of them: “Number 1 tastes like that bottle we opened last night, Number 2 would be the Franzia boxed chardonnay and number 3--I’m guessing--is the Almaden boxed merlot, with a May 2010 vintage.”

6:00 p.m. Over to the Gold Coast which is across the street from the Rio. Next to downtown, the Gold Coast is our favorite place to play in Vegas because we always win there. Except for the time we actually stayed there. So we’re probably about even. Another slots and video poker tournament where St. Pauli Girl managed to find even looser slots and sealed another scratch-off victory worth…..$0.

7:30 p.m. Time for dinner at one of our favorite restaurants, Rosemary’s which is way off the strip on Sahara Ave. and pretty much the only reason we rent a car when we go to Vegas. We started off with an appetizer of Pan-fried Sweetbreads in a Creole Mustard Sauce. The main course followed with a Prosciutto Wrapped Veal Chop with Hoppin’ John, white cheddar grits, and a Creole Mustard Butter. We opted for dessert tonight: Goat Cheese Cheesecake with a Scotch Caramel Sauce.

10:00 p.m.We wrapped the evening up with another slots tournament with no prize. After two days, we had racked up over $7400 between the two of us but my earnings lead had shrunk to about $900.

Sunday, July 4

9:00 a.m. It was Sunday so that meant champagne brunch! Chocolate croissants, scrambled eggs, sausage and champagne. A great way to start the day on our balcony at the Bellagio. Unfortunately , the Bellagio fountains were closed for repairs; seems someone didn’t want to go downstairs and turn them on.

12:00 p.m. We went back downtown for the serious gambling. We started off with another video poker and slots round. The action was fast and furious but St. Pauli Girl pulled ahead late and hung on for victory: a scratch-off card worth….$0.

By this time I had also cheated and looked at the Powerball numbers. Instead of $42 million, our weekend winner would walk away with a used Powerball ticket worth…. $0.

2:00 p.m. We immediately jumped into our next blackjack tournament. Once again, it would not go the distance as St. Pauli Girl quickly dropped $1000. I managed to only lose $335 but that was good enough for a scratch-off card worth….$0.

6:00 p.m. Our final weekend dinner would be at Firefly, a tapas restaurant. We enjoyed steamed mussels with chorizo, then foccacia and four-cheese fondue followed by albondigas in a spicy sherry tomato sauce.

8:00 p.m. The last gambling event would be a video poker and slots session. With a $1200 lead, I could pretty much rest on cruise control and still win as long as St. Pauli Girl didn’t hit a jackpot. But I hit the jackpot, sealing the session win as well as the weekend earnings victory. Between the two of us, we had won $9761. The session win earned me a scratch-off card worth…$0.

Finally, the weekend earnings victory won a scratch-off card worth….$4. Yes, that’s right, the weekend finally paid off!

We spent the rest of the night outside enjoying fireworks. The great thing about living in the country is that you don’t have to go anywhere for fireworks. Any neighbor with a full can of gas, a lighter and a .45 is a show waiting to happen.

After the weekend, St. Pauli Girl talked to her mom on the phone:

Mom: Did I tell you we got rooms at the Golden Nugget for $39 a night?

St. Pauli Girl: Did I tell you we won almost $10,000 and got comped rooms at the Bellagio?

Mom: Well, you know what they say. What happens in Faux Vegas…. never really happened.