Texas Bar Exam
Select the best answer:
1. Grandma Moses is driving her car at 75 mph on interstate 35. The car GPS gets in a fight with the GPS from her smart phone. The car GPS is telling her to turn right while the phone GPS is telling her to turn left. Grandma Moses splits the difference and goes straight into a utility pole ejecting her through the windshield. She survives but spends a year in the hospital incurring millions of dollars of medical bills. You should:
A. Sue both GPS makers
B. Look for other car owners similarly afflicted and file a class action lawsuit
C. Sue the GPS makers, the car maker and the utility pole maker
D. Help Grandma Moses file for bankruptcy because although large corporations may place a specific cost on death and injuries, the trial lawyers association is the spawn of Satan which only exists to help the devil file frivolous lawsuits.
2. Oil fracking is
A. A relatively new technology and long-term environmental effects are unknown at this time. We should keep a close eye on it.
B. Best regulated by large oil companies like BP
C. A fountain of cash, there's got to be some legal billing in there somewhere
D. A gift from Jesus
3. You go to lunch at the local Chipotle restaurant where you encounter a group of gun enthusiasts expressing their God given Texas rights to bear and display their guns. You should:
A. Explain to them that it is statistically unlikely they'll be mugged for a burrito
B. Explain the definition of "statistics"
C. Encourage them to run for state office as all Texas candidates must have a gun in their campaign photos
D. Congratulate them on their knowledge and defense of the Constitution and states' rights, then show them the AK-47 you keep in your briefcase
4. Texas has the legal right to secede from the United States.
C. Maybe, if you are speaking to a large crowd of freedom loving tea partiers
D. What's legal got to do with it? We've got enough guns to secede whenever we damn well please!
5. As laws against gay marriage get overturned all over the country, you are tasked with defending the Texas law before the Supreme Court. Your best argument is:
A. Legalizing gay marriage would result in people marrying livestock and inanimate objects
B. Would result in gay people becoming miserable husbands and wives
C. Would result in fewer shotgun weddings
D. There are no gay people in Texas
6. Recently, the Supreme Court ruled that prayers before town council meetings are legal. Let's say someone named, oh I don't know..., Abdullah gave a prayer before the Wichita Falls town council meeting. You should:
A. Listen carefully and ensure there are no direct religious quotes or mention of God other than something like "Master of the Universe"
B. Congratulate him by saying, "Nice godless speech, Haji."
C. Cover your ears and shout, "I love Jesus! I love Jesus!" so no one can hear him
D. Stone him
E. Trick question, although stoning him is a good answer, you might be accused of practicing sharia law. Shooting him would be easier and more practical.
7. Is it legal to put Chinese 5-spice in BBQ sauce?
C. Aw, hell no!
D. Yes, if you are a communist living in Austin
8. A shoplifter grabs a case of beer in a convenience store and sprints for the door. Under Texas law, the clerk should:
A. Let the crook go, lock the door and call the police
B. Chase the crook as far as the clerk can run
C. Shoot the crook and if the crook falls outside the door, drag the body back inside
D. Aim for the head, then stand over the body and say something like "No more Miller time's for you." or "There's no cold ones in hell."
9. Which of the following would make the best expert witness at a trial:
A. An arson expert named Bubba who declares "the fire had to be arson cos those flames moved faster than a centipede at a toe countin' contest"
B. A jailhouse snitch promised dropped charges for his/her testimony
C. An ex-deputy who uses his specially trained hounds in police lineups to identify the crook by smell
D. All of the above
10. The job of the Texas state attorney general is to:
A. Ultimately enforce the laws of the state
B. Defend the state against frivolous lawsuits
C. Wait in line to be governor
D. Sue O'bama 24 hours a day
11. Which of the following would result in the longest jail sentence?
A. Make a false statement on a Small Business Administration loan application
B. Borrowing $2 million from an out of state bank with a specific stock as collateral. Then taking that money to purchase the stock which you used as collateral.
C. Taking a mortgage from an out of state bank then adding a superior lien which is magically owned by your children. Declare the original loan in default and allow your children to foreclose on your property thereby nullifying the bank's lien.
D. Urinating on the wall of the Alamo
12. You are representing a client at a high profile murder trial. Everyday you must meet the media who are trying to get you to spill confidential information. You should:
A. Just say, "No comment."
B. Answer what you can and explain there are some things that are confidential
C. Just repeat the question back to the asker
D. Just say, "Adios mofo."
13. If you graduated from Texas Tech law school:
A. You probably did well on the bar exam
B. You probably learned a lot about energy law including oil and wind
C. You probably learned a lot about water and mineral rights
D. You are probably a rude, cheap-ass tipper
14. The longest serving governor in the history of the great republic of Texas is:
A. Stephen F. Austin
B. Sam Houston
C. George W. Bush
D. Rick Perry, and by gawd don't ever forget it!