Concealed Lobbyist

The Great Republic faced a great conundrum since some lunatic fired gunshots in the Capitol a few months ago. Officials had to grapple with how best to make the Capitol more secure and yet not impede on the rights of gun owners. So they added x-ray scanners to the entrances plus an express lane for owners of Concealed Handgun Permits to avoid the lines and scanners and tote their weapons into the Capitol.

Many people would argue that’s ludicrous, but they fail to note that owners of concealed handgun permits are thoroughly investigated and complete safety training. A lunatic could never get a concealed handgun permit. So the Capitol is safer because people with concealed handguns are our first line of defense.

More importantly, opportunity knocks. A few blogs ago, I noted that I wanted to add 40,000 people to the address on my census form so I could get my own congressional district. Forget that! I want to be a lobbyist! (With a concealed handgun, that is.)

So as soon as I get my permit, I'm putting out my shingle as a lobbyist. It's a much more honest living than having my own congressional district. Anyone needing to do a little business in the Great Republic is urged to contact me so I can persuade lawmakers to see things your way. I'll be cheaper than other lobbyists because there's no need to ahem, bribe.

Highlighted scenarios from my brochures:

"Congressman, you may choose to have the contents of either my left pocket or right pocket. One contains a check with five zeroes; the other contains hollow tipped bullets. What's it gonna be?"

And:

Sitting up in the public gallery, I can watch my congressmen and women cast their votes on important matters. As they get ready to vote, you may notice several of them sweating and looking up at me. That's when I stretch out and let my shoulder holster become visible.

And:

I can get access to the governor. As he walks by, we will both nod at each other as we caress the firearms in our pants.
"Governor, good job on shooting that coyote. You sure showed him who was boss or governor."
"Yeppers."
"I got me one too last week."
"You don't say," replies the governor.
"Yeah or a dog. I don't know. Just saw some rustling in the bushes. You know I like to brag to my out-of-state clients that my governor can shoot your governor."
A beaming governor nods, ready to become my friend for life.
"What's in your pocket?" I ask with a smile.
"Well as they say, if I showed you, then I'd have to kill you."
"Bwaaa-ha-ha-ha-ha," we both burst into laughter and throw our arms around each other like old friends.

And:

Walking into the congressman's office, I grab the family picture from his/her desk.
"Nice family. I hear they'd really like you to vote for HR438976," I say.
"You don't scare me."
I toss the picture into the air and blow it to pieces with my concealed handgun.

And:

I corner a frightened senator in his/her office. "I know what you're thinking," I say. "Did he use five or six shots? In all the commotion of the gunbattle on the senate floor during the textbook negotiations, I must admit that I lost count myself. So you have to ask yourself, 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do you....senator?

Modern Statesmen

It is amazing that people have such little faith in Congress these days. During the rancorous health care debate the other day, the esteemed congressman from west Texas yelled “baby killer” to the esteemed congressman from Michigan. We have now learned that they later met and an apology was accepted, which should restore our faith in the civility of this fine institution.

I suspect the apology went something like this:

TX Congressman: I’d like to apologize for your thinking that I called you a baby killer.

MI Congressman: But you did.

TX: First of all, no one was supposed to find out it was me.

MI: I know. You hid behind your giggling colleagues.

TX: But then I remembered why I did it. Publicity. And you can’t get that without coming out. Anyway, I was talking about the bill.

MI: I understand completely.

TX: It’s the bill that’s a baby killer. You are not a baby killer…as far as I know.

MI: And you are not a lying, flaming pile of pond scum. So I accept your apology, which must mean you are something less than a flaming pile of pond scum or else I wouldn’t accept your apology.

TX: Why thank you. You know, tensions were high. I got caught up in the moment. I said it to give voice to my constituents who hate killing babies.

MI: As opposed to my constituents who enjoy killing babies.

TX: Yes, exactly! I’m so glad we see eye to eye.

MI: Would you like a drink?

(after the Texan nods, the Michigan congressman pours two snifters of cognac. They clink glasses and sip their drinks.)

MI: You know I put rat poison in your drink.

TX: I don’t believe you. You wouldn’t kill a senior citizen because you only kill babies. That is . . . you would only kill babies, if you were a baby killer.

MI: Yeah, you got me. It wasn’t poison, only LSD. Seriously, why do you think the public has such a low opinion of us?

TX: They don’t! It’s only baby-killing congressmen they don’t like.

MI: Will you cut it out? Can you get off message for just a moment, you rich-loving, corporate ass-kissing, cancer-victim hating, right-wing nut?

TX: I apologize to the esteemed baby killing gentleman from Michigan. Alleged baby killer that is.

MI: What’s happened to us? What happened to the great statesmen like Henry Clay, John Calhoun, Daniel Webster?

TX: Yeah. And Sam Houston, Stephen F. Austin, Davy Crockett, John Wayne.

MI: It’s this crazy, fast-paced, 5000-channel, DVR addicted, Googling, short attention span age we live in. If the Lincoln-Douglas debates were held today, they would probably be settled by Simon Cowell voting someone off the stage.

TX: That’s why Joe Wilson is the new Daniel Webster of Congress. His message is short and sweet, aimed at the attention deficit masses.

MI: Joe who?

TX: The esteemed gentleman from South Carolina. You know, the “you lie” guy. That’s why I said what I said yesterday. Did you see the campaign contributions he got after that?

MI: Yeah, I know. They skyrocketed! He’s definitely set a new standard.

TX: You know since we eliminated earmarks from bills…

(They both wink at each other)

TX: I needed to bring back a little something to my district.

MI: Did you have to be so over the top? Couldn’t you have just yelled, “death panels” or “higher taxes” or “I hate poor people?”

TX: Abortion is a three-syllable word. Most Americans wouldn’t sit through it. But once again, I apologize for your thinking that I think you kill babies.

MI: Accepted again, you deceiving, barely-smoldering stack of pond scum.

TX: (laughs) Cheers! By the way, between you and me, what did you really think about that health care bill?

MI: Are you kidding? 2500 pages? I couldn’t make an intern suffer through that.

TX: Yeah, me neither. But I’m pretty sure there’s some language in there somewhere about killing babies.