Almost everyone has had a
memorable/horrible experience dealing with technical support on the
phone. But you might be surprised at how awful some of those
technical calls go on behind the scenes for the technical people.
For example, let's pretend I work for a
large company that runs the gas pumps at 70,000 gas stations across
the U.S.A., Canada and Australia. One day, you swipe your credit
card at the pump and start pumping gas. Suddenly, the pump just
stops after about a gallon. You look at the station attendant who
just shrugs his shoulders. You can't decide if you should just wait
or leave and hope the next customer doesn't get to use the credit
card you swiped.
Meanwhile, far, far away, my phone
rings:
Operations: Hey Dexter, we got a
problem. Your gas program is sending alerts that it can't connect to
the gas station server. Can you look at it?
Dexter: Sure. (after a few minutes of
looking on the computer) Well, looks like we got a networking issue.
The program keeps trying to connect but gets refused. Can we get
someone from networking on the call?
(Suddenly we hear haunting religious
music and a Gregorian chant on the phone)
Network Manager: Yeah, what can I do
for you?
Dexter: What's that music?
Network Manager: Sorry, that's my
theme music. I'll turn it down.
Dexter: Yeah, well we can't connect to
the gas station server. Can you take a look at the network?
Network Manager: Hold on. (a few
minutes later) Looks good here. I don't see any errors in the log
files.
Dexter: Still can't connect. Can you
get a sniffer on there to see what's happening?
Network Manager: Hooh boy. That would
take some work. I can't do it without a work order. And since
there's no errors in the log file, I don't feel much like putting out
a work order.
Dexter: Fine, I'll do a work order.
Network Manager: Well you can, but I
won't respond until next week since there's no errors.
CEO (joining the call): Hello. What
the hell is going on? Who's got this? Who's got this? Who's on
this?
Dexter: We're all working on it sir.
Seems like a networking issue.
Network Manager: Woah, woah, woah.
That's downright sacrilegious! Or slanderous or libelous or at least
really mean. (in the background, "There, there. He didn't
really mean it." and the sound of purring) There's no errors in
our log files!
Dexter: Well we got a network error in
our log files.
Network Manager: Sounds like your
program is broken.
CEO: Okay, can everyone hold on for a
minute. My boat is about to go under a bridge, and I'm going to lose
reception.
(While CEO is gone)
Operations: Should we hang up and say
it's good?
Dexter: Well it's not. Aren't you
getting a lot of customer calls about this?
Operations: Yeah so I just put on a
recorded message that says we're all out on a team building exercise.
Dexter: You can't do that. Just leave
a message that we're having trouble and we'll get it fixed as soon as
possible.
Operations: That would just make
people madder, and they'd keep calling back.
CEO: Alright, I'm back. Let's get
the database folks in on this.
Operations: Roger.
Dexter: We don't need them. This has
nothing to do with the database. They can't help. It's a network
issue. Look I can't even connect to the server from my laptop. Can
we at least run a trace to figure out where it's dying.
Network Intern: Sure, I can do that.
Network Manager: What? Who said that?
Asok is that you? Get down on your knees and bow down to the mighty
T1 line. Then say ten Hail Mary's, and we'll pretend this never
happened.
Network Intern: Sorry.
Network Manager: Yeah, we could run a
trace. And you know what it would say? It would say your program
sucks!
Database Administrator: Hello? I'm
here. Do you want me to restart the database?
CEO: Yeah, let's do that.
Dexter: That's not going to do
anything! It's going to drag out the process.
Operations: Well at least she's trying
something.
Network Manager: Yeah, Dexter.
Dexter: Fine. Operations, restart my
program and see if that changes anything.
CEO: Alright, sounds like we're making
progress. In the meantime, let's get the hardware vendor on the
call.
Database Administrator: Okay, I
bounced the database. It will be back up in an hour.
Operations: Program restarted. Still
can't connect. Must be broken.
Hardware Vendor: Hi, how can I help
you?
CEO: Yeah, we're having some problems
with our system and thought maybe you could help.
Hardware Vendor: Oooh, looks like we
never got your last payment for support.
CEO: Is that important?
Hardware Vendor: Critical. When you
pay for support, I'm like your co-pilot, mechanic, architect, and
gardener all rolled into one. I'm with you every step of the way to
solve your problems.
CEO: Alright, we'll send a check next
week.
Hardware Vendor: Great. I'll go ahead
and give you a freebie. How can I help?
Network Manager: Well knucklehead's
program stopped connecting to the network.
Hardware Vendor: Oh, your software?
Dexter: Yeah, but that's not...
Hardware Vendor: See, we guarantee our
hardware as long as you don't do anything to it. You know how when
you drive a new car off the lot and it depreciates by 50% when you
cross the curb? Hardware is the same way. As soon as you put your
crappy programs on it, I can no longer be responsible for it. Look
if you hadn't done that, I'd put a new server in my car and drive out
there right now to replace it. But you poisoned my baby, so I can't
help you. But hey, look forward to your check next week. Bye!
CEO: So where are we on this? Wind is
picking up, and I gotta drop the jib.
Dexter: Network is still down.
Network Manager: I've about had enough
of you! I can't remember the last time I've seen an error in my log
files. You know I got a sign on my door that says, "No Network
Errors in 747,520 days!"
Dexter: What? That's gotta be like
1000 years!
Network Manager: Over 2000 actually.
You know where the network comes from don't you? It was a gift from
Jesus. Yep, he built the first router out of some fish, bread and
wine. And since then he has passed down his infallibility to his
networking disciples of which I am one.
Dexter: I thought it was the Pope who
was infallible?
Network Manager: He was until he sold
his soul to Novell.
CEO: Look Dexter, he's right. The
network and all network engineers are infallible.
Dexter: What? Wait, didn't you start
your career in networking?
CEO: Well yeah, but then I went into
marketing. Look can you please fix your program?
Operations: Hey everyone, we're
connected and running again! Gas is flowing!
Everyone: Woohoo! Alright! Good job
everyone!
CEO: Great! So what'd you do to fix
it Dexter?
Dexter: Nothing!
CEO: Alright, I don't want to keep
everyone, but we're going to need someone to write an After Action
Report. Who's got it?
Network Manager: Ooh, I just
remembered another meeting I gotta get to. Bye.
(Silence for a minute)
Dexter: Since it was a network
issue...
CEO: Great, thanks for volunteering
Dexter. Remember as per our operating procedures, you need to have
that done in four hours. Of course, I'll be fishing until Monday,
but shoot me an email anyway.
Database Administrator: Database is
back up!
I'll think of you next time one of those friggin gas pumps don't work right! And P.S., I answered your "Ask Me Anything" question over at my blog today.
ReplyDeleteAs well you should. That Alberta Premium looks mighty tasty. I'm sure it goes well with the lava cake. Thanks for the comment!
DeleteA Gregorian chant? For reals?!
ReplyDeleteOkay, maybe I embellished a little bit. But based on my experience, it may as well have been a real chant. Thanks for the comment!
DeleteA Dexter Rant is better than any Gregorian Chant!! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, glad to hear it!
Delete