Perry Speak

Yes, it’s another Governor Rick Perry blog. I can’t help it; he makes George W. Bush look like Sam Houston or at least Thomas Jefferson.

Rick Perry is a fanatical devotee of the 10th Amendment to the Constitution which from what he says means something like: as state governor I have the right to sit on the front porch of the governor’s mansion with a shotgun and tell federal lawmakers to get the hell off my ---- I mean our - property. And he’s absolutely right, especially when it comes to speed limits. (Never mind that in 2009 while denouncing federal stimulus money with his right hand, he was cashing the check with his left hand.)

But at least he practices what he preaches, because he has made it clear that in the same manner, the state does not interfere with city and county governments. Yesterday he announced that people should not blame the state for teacher layoffs because that is a local decision made by local school districts. Never mind that they get their money from the state. Never mind that the state is facing a $27 billion shortfall. Never mind that the state controls textbooks.

So it turns out that Perry doesn’t support state rights as much as he supports the idea that the state is always right. But most importantly, he’s given us hope and a new language in which we can lead more productive and richer lives. This is how the world would be if we all spoke like Rick Perry:

Boy to his mother: I didn’t eat the last cookie, my mouth did.

Speeding driver to police officer: It’s a Toyota. The accelerator was stuck. I wasn’t speeding, the car was.

Computer Programmer to Boss: Yes, I wrote the program. It’s not my fault the computer doesn’t know how to handle a null exception and shutdown.

Guy who firebombed the Texas governor’s mansion: Yes, I threw a molotov cocktail at the mansion. What happens after that is beyond my control.

Cook to irate customer: Yeah, I put a cup of cayenne pepper in that dish instead of paprika. So what? I can’t help it you aren’t cayenne tolerant.

Air Traffic Controller: Yeah, I had two planes landing on the same runway at the same time. They’re big planes. It’s not like they couldn’t see each other.

Kid playing softball: Yes, I hit the ball that went through your window. But it was a softball. The manufacturer didn’t make it soft enough.

Murderer to the jury: Yes, that was my gun. But what a bullet does after it leaves my gun is up to the bullet.

Airline Agent: Yes, I understand you were the only survivor of the plane crash, but I’ll still have to charge you a $150 rebooking fee to get you home.

Oh wait, that already happens.