Tuesday, March 15, 2011

White Guy Scholars

My niece recently won a small college scholarship offered to students of Hungarian descent. Naturally, she had to have proof of her Hungarian heritage. Not a problem, as last year she won the National Stuffed-Cabbage Bake-off.

This reminded me of another new scholarship being offered to white male Texans by the Former Majority Association for Equality. That’s mighty white of them. (Ha, you had to see that one coming.) Anyway, you must be 25% Caucasian to be eligible for the scholarship. I wonder how you go about proving that?

Luckily I obtained a sample application and am offering some sample answers to help out any un-certified white males out there:

The Former Majority Association for Equality
“White Guys Don’t Need to Jump”

White Guy Scholarship Application

Name: Dexter Klemperer

Address: Texas

Phone: Censored

Tell us about yourself:

I am: __X__ A White Guy _____ Other

(If you checked “Other”, you can skip to the signature section. Don’t bother enclosing a SASE)

Tell us about your schooling: My favorite subject is English. I refused to take a foreign language, because you can never be sure what they are really teaching you. Instead I did an independent study of Old English. Because of that, I earned a part in our school musical production of “Jack the Ripper.” I played the part of Ye Olde Chorus. I also enjoyed chemistry, keyboard skills and skeet shooting.

Tell us about your career aspirations: I hope to join a large mega-corporation and become a mid- to high-level manager. I hope to eventually stand on the glass ceiling. Or I might go to law school and someday become a Supreme Court justice like my idols: Scalia, Roberts, Alito, Kennedy, Breyer, and the rest.

Tell us about your heroes: I have a very well-rounded list of heroes, from entertainment to sports to politics. Musically, I admire Josh Groban, Toby Keith, Bing Crosby, and Justin Bieber if he weren’t Canadian. I think Eminem is talented but that he just went too far. I like Larry Bird, most golfers, almost everyone in the NHL and all of NASCAR. As for politics, I think the United States had a spectacular run of great Presidents up until the current one. My favorite is Thomas Jefferson because although he owned slaves, he eventually didn’t have to buy anymore because he just sired new ones. I also believe Roosevelt doesn’t get enough credit for creating the Japanese internment camps. Actually, if he were around today, we probably wouldn’t need immigration policy. We could just turn Arizona into one giant internment camp.

Tell us about some instances where you managed to overcome the stigma of being a white minority: I joined the chess club my freshman year where I was surrounded by Asians. Back then they could checkmate me in 4 moves while reading an electrical engineering textbook at the same time. But I stuck with it and eventually earned their respect. I never won but by the time I was a senior they at least had to put their books down while playing me.

I actually embraced the idea of being a minority and trying to learn other cultures when I got my first job at Taco Bell. I never liked Mexican food and the only Mexican words I knew were “Frito Bandito.” But I jumped right into the culture and even invented my own burrito called: The Salisbury Steak and Gravy Burrito. I have come pretty close to mastering the Mexican language as well: gordita, chalupa, grande, tortilla, and supreme. I even know all the words to “Low Rider!”

How will you use the White Guy Scholarship to demonstrate your opposition to racism: What’s “racism”? That’s how far we’ve come! I’ve never experienced it! I prefer we live our lives with rose colored memories like Haley Barbour and the Sons of Confederate Veterans who are working tirelessly to set the historical record straight. I believe if we try hard enough, someday people will realize the Civil War was just a gentlemen’s disagreement over chicken fried steak.

Final Thoughts: I see this scholarship as my one last shot at greatness. My hope is to become the intellectual Gerry Cooney: “The Great White Hope” and perhaps, the last great white hope.

Signature: ___________________________________________

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