Don't Put a Cap On It

With Valentine's Day coming up, it's time for a public service announcement from this blog.

I've written about the problem of menunderdressing their women before and yet for some reason, my pleas have not changed the world. So let's start slow and small with something very specific: the baseball cap.

I've seen too many instances of women dressed nicely waiting for her date, only for the date to show up in some sort of ensemble of t-shirt, shorts or jeans and to top it all off, a baseball cap! And sometimes the baseball cap is on backwards.

Gentlemen, if you are preparing for a date, and you find yourself rummaging through your closet trying to find which baseball cap you think your date will find you more attractive in, please stop! Yes, it will make you look younger except that it will make you look younger than the age of consent. The baseball cap should be banished from your wardrobe when you have retired from little league or whenever it was that you last played organized baseball.

The baseball cap is not a fashion accessory. A good rule of thumb is when dressing for a night out, if you wish to put something on your head, if it cannot be considered a chapeau, you shouldn't wear it. A baseball cap is not a chapeau even if you call it Le baseball cap. And don’t be cute: a vintage Le Montreal Expos hat is no exception.

The only acceptable time to wear a baseball cap is if you have to go in public and haven't washed your hair (i.e. you are sporting a classic bedhead) or you are partaking in some strenuous outdoor physical activity and you need to protect your scalp from the sun. Wearing a baseball cap while golfing is acceptable, but once you reach the age of forty, you are culturally obliged to purchase one of those expansive Tom Kite or Greg Norman straw hats.

If you are over the age of 22, you shouldn't even wear a baseball cap while attending a professional baseball game. Grow up and get a derby, or a homburg, or a Panama, or even a fedora.

And God forbid, a baseball cap should never be worn backwards unless you are a professional baseball catcher or a successful rapper.

And if I can't get through to the gentlemen, I'm going to appeal directly to the women:

If your date shows up wearing a baseball cap, at the minimum swat it from his head. That's what the bill of the cap is for. If he manages to dodge that, say, “Oh, did you win your little league game? Shall we go get a sno-cone?”

Or, you can just flat out dump him. [To all you non-cap-wearing guys out there waiting to pounce on the fallout of this global “dumping”: You’re welcome.]

So Gentlemen, as you prepare for your big Valentine's date next week, remember that if you don a baseball cap for the Big Night Out, expect to have it knocked off. And not in a moment of passion.

[St. Pauli Girl interrupts this blog to ask how many baseball hats I have.]

Yes, okay, I have somewhere between ten and twenty, but I have never worn one on a date. And after I finish this blog post, I am trading them all in for a homburg, a bowler, and a giant Tom Kite hat. Except for my Augusta cap. I might need it in an emergency.

Stupidland

We just returned from an early evening concert by the great James McMurtry. The show was fantastic! What we saw of it anyway. Unfortunately, we had to put up with people that slowly meandered in front of us blocking our view along with the many people running around trying to get pictures and videos on their cell phones.


So I felt that I needed to write a song about it. It goes to the tune of James McMurtry’s classic: Levelland (please don’t sue me Mr. McMurtry)


Stupidland


On Uncle Billy’s rooftop

Beer was flowing non-stop

We got there early to get a table

Broiling in the sun



Hillbilly strumming a banjo

Keeping tune with a toy piano

Better stop that opening act

Before we all get suicidal



With barbecue smelling good

James finally came out

In a tight three piece combo

Blowin’ those speakers out



So the crowds came round

And blocked our view

Mega-pixel photos wherever you turn

And when those flashes all went off

I called it Stupidland – Low IQ humans



Guy in a hula skirt

Standing a bit too close

If you sway those hips near me

I’m gonna bust your nose



Old Guy in the pork pie hat

Dancing and blocking our view

Tapped out his own two feet

With those size 18 sandals



Rodeo left yesterday

Circus gone for another year

Clown school out on summer break

What are you doin’ here?



But he kept on twisting

And the cameras kept clicking

Stooges calling friends on phones

They are most respected citizens

In Stupidland -- They don’t understand anything

In Stupidland



And I watched those cell phones rising up blocking every view

Pics and vids, press record

You couldn’t blame me one damn bit if I tackled every one

Cos I’d rather see the show

Just Stupidland

Far as you can point your hand

Nothin’ but Stupidland



St. Pauli Girl cryin’ in her beer

Me, I’m climbin’ up a ladder

I asked her to make a wish

She wished we both could fly

Don’t think we’ve seen the show

Since the third or fourth song



I paid off all our bar debts

Then grabbed me a really long stick

Knocked that pork pie hat to the wind

Then we ran as far we could get

From Stupidland – imagine that