My Life as an Imaginary Girlfriend (and other tales)
By now most people have heard about the story of Manti Te'o, the college football player who was duped into believing he had an online girlfriend who tragically died the same day as his grandmother. I really don't care about the story as much as I care about the incredible mundanity of kids doing stupid kid things. So now I'd like to confess some of my own stupid kid tricks, just a few of many transgressions from college and yes, even early in my post-college career:
At some point, thinking this would be useful information, I memorized the phone number to the Tri-Delts sorority house. Several months later my roommate and I were sitting around late night watching television when we decided we needed a pizza. He asked for the local pizza place phone number and off the top of my head, I gave him the Tri-Delts’ number. He called and then cursed me for the rest of the evening. I thought that was the funniest thing of all time.
One semester, I had to take a required computer class; in it were several people I knew. This class provided access to the university computer network along with something new (to us) called email. After wasting my time trying to access other university networks and other people's accounts, I resorted to email gags to my classmates. After creating a false id, I started sending emails to one guy as if I were a girl pretending to be interested in him. This was fun for a short while, until he figured it out because I kept asking him about her.
Early in my post-graduate career, I was granted system admin access to the company computer system where I promptly learned the wall command (write to all) which would send an immediate message to the monitors of everyone logged onto the system. I became very annoying. I then figured out how to set up user logins to make it appear as if a user couldn't log on to the system. This would have been an easy way to steal people's passwords, but I was not that evil. It amused my 22-going-on-12 self to watch people trying to figure out what was happening when they thought they couldn't log on.
In the early days of the internet, it was a novelty to join newsgroups where like-minded people could discuss similar interests. A friend and I decided to join one where the focus was golf. Our first (collaborative) posting was this:
“Hey does anyone remember the 1943 El Paso Open where Ben Hogan got mad because a kid in the audience farted during his swing, and Hogan chased the kid into a pond waving his 5-iron, and the kid was mauled by an alligator? And then Ben Hogan signed a golf glove and gave it to the kid's parents?”
We thought we were quite hilarious when people posted their astonishment to the story and wanted more information. Finally, someone wrote: “You are an idiot.” We immediately canceled our membership in that newsgroup.
There you have it, four totally useless juvenile stories that probably make you question why you read this blog. But my point is that I would argue rarely does anyone totally “grow-up” before the age of thirty and for men it might be fifty or sixty. We all commit, and are often victims of, stupid pranks.
Even if Manti Te'o was involved in the deception from the beginning, the story still should have ended up in the “who cares?” file. And as far as his talking up the so-called girlfriend, what guy in the history of humankind has not embellished a story(ies) about girls or women he has known, or sort of known, or briefly met, or seen pictures of, or totally made up? And if you believe it affected Heisman voting, then you have only the voters to blame, because having the best background story is not a qualification for the Heisman Trophy.
Unless blackmail or some other illegal activity occurred, this was nothing more than juveniles being juveniles (as instigators and victim). It's only a story because sportswriters are mad that they've been duped and by golly they're not going to take it even if it means writing the most deadly, vengeful haiku imaginable.
In short, the Manti Te'o story is the most overblown story since Ben Hogan at the 1943 El Paso Open.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Sunday, January 13, 2013
A Tale of 2 Real Estates (Part II)
Now I'm finally getting around to part II of:
A Tale of Two Real Estates (Part II)
This second tale has more to do with the finance company rather than realtors or buyers. We recently had to move again due to St. Pauli Girl's job change, and we decided we'd be better off buying a second home rather than renting something until we sold the old house.
We found a nice little fixer-upper straight out of 1973, with gold shag carpeting and Brady Bunch décor still in tip-top shape. After looking at different financing options via the internet, I began receiving phone calls from several companies which I ignored. I finally broke down and answered a call as a reward for the caller’s persistence. This turned out to be the same mistake as when we tried to find a plumber but everyone was booked up for weeks except for the last guy we called; there's a reason he was the only one in town not booked for weeks. And there was a reason for this woman's persistence.
Having been through the buying process in Texas several times, I already knew the paperwork we would need and had it ready. Lola, from a finance company that shall remain nameless but let's just say they like to “discover possibilities,” seemed very impressed by my homework. We set a pretty aggressive closing date, but she said that date should be no problem.
The next day, St. Pauli Girl told me someone from the finance company had called our realtor and told him “we” had chosen an unreasonable closing date.
“Not to worry,” I said, “Lola from the same finance company said it wouldn't be a problem.”
Nine days before closing, Lola told me that everything was in order and she was ready to pass it on to the underwriting team. Mr. Haney, the underwriting manager, called me to tell me he was looking forward to working with me. Then I didn't hear anything for five days.
On the Thursday before our Monday closing, I decided I'd better call Mr. Haney.
“I'm just trying to find out where were at since we're supposed to be closing on Monday,” I said.
“I was just about to call you,” Mr. Haney responded. “I still need your W-2 for 2010.”
“You already have it. I uploaded it for Lola two weeks ago. In fact, I'm looking at it in the document directory of your website right now. It's called W2_DK_2010.doc.”
After a brief hesitation, “Oh yeah, there it is. I was looking for 'W-2', no wonder!”
“Great but we're supposed to be closing on Monday so I’m leaving tomorrow morning because it’s a 350 mile drive from where I am right now.”
“I'm doing everything I can to make that happen.”
“I'm sure you are. I just need to know if I should bother to make the drive or not.”
“I'm working really hard on this, I just don't know.”
“Are we going to close on Monday or not?”
“I'm putting all my time on this, and I'm trying to make it happen.”
“Yes or no would be fine,” I finally said with a sigh.
“How about this, there's a 20 percent chance that you'll be closing on Monday. Is that good enough for you?”
“Fine. So, that’s a no?”
“But it's not. I'm really working hard on this. It's not no, it's twenty percent of a yes!”
I hung up. Although I gamble a little, I pretty much limit it to blackjack and video poker. We moved the closing date.
The day before our new closing date, I packed up the car with as many essential items I could for the new house. St. Pauli Girl and I both had arranged to take that day off from work to get the closing done. Mid-afternoon, I got an email message from our realtor forwarding an email from Mr. Haney's boss (whom we'll call Ivan) stating that the closing date would most likely not be met, and we should not bother to try and set any more closing dates because it makes their job harder.
I fired off an email to Ivan asking when he or Mr. Haney were ever going to bother to notify us about the closing date. After some apologies, they pushed the closing date back another week, to make closing date #3.
At 6:00 p.m. the day before closing, I once again had the car packed and ready to depart first thing the next morning. As I shut the trunk, my phone rang.
Without even looking, I knew: Mr. Haney. “We're almost there,” Mr. Haney said. “There's just one thing. We're having trouble getting St. Pauli Girl's employment verified.”
“But you said we were approved by underwriting?”
“Yes, you were but they wanted me to follow up on this.”
“But Lola received the employment information three weeks ago. You've had three weeks to do the verification.”
“Now that's true, but we're still going to need a letter from her boss to verify her employment.”
“It's 6:00 here. Everyone is gone for the day. And it's an academic department--who knows what time he gets to work.”
“I'm working really hard on this,” Mr. Haney said.
The next day when our realtor found out I wasn’t planning on coming, he called to tell me that if we don't close that day, it would take another week to redo the paperwork. I sighed, then told him I'd be on the road in thirty minutes.
My phone rang. Guess who. Mr. Haney said I was wasting my time by leaving so early (!) because he wasn't sure if we could close that day.
I finally told him, “I'm not wasting my time. You approve the loan today or the contract is dead and we’re getting an apartment.”
Finally, by late afternoon, Mr. Haney notified the title company of the loan approval. However, paperwork would not be ready until the next morning. His last words: “I'm going to work late and work really hard on this.”
Of course the paperwork was not ready the next morning. We sat at the title company for an extra hour waiting for it. And when it did come in, it included paperwork that only the seller usually signs, plus a long application form as if we were applying for a loan for the first time. The woman at the title company tried to hide her smile but failed.
“But they already have all of this information,” I told her.
“Of course they do. They couldn’t have processed the loan without it. Based on how everything has gone so far, let's just sign everything. There's no telling what might happen if we don't.”
We finally finished and moved into our new house. After a couple of weeks I decided to call Ivan back because, according to a large guarantee on their website, they offer a $1000 rebate if you don't close on time. I figured that was the least they could do for us.
“Well, I looked through the paperwork and since we never actually set a closing date, you don't qualify for the rebate,” Ivan said. “People misunderstand that guarantee all the time. What it really means is we'll do everything we can to keep from paying you $1000.”
“Like instead of setting a closing date, you give a percentage chance of closing--”
“Thanks again for your business. Tell your friends!”
There’s about a 20% chance that’ll happen. And not in a good way.
A Tale of Two Real Estates (Part II)
This second tale has more to do with the finance company rather than realtors or buyers. We recently had to move again due to St. Pauli Girl's job change, and we decided we'd be better off buying a second home rather than renting something until we sold the old house.
We found a nice little fixer-upper straight out of 1973, with gold shag carpeting and Brady Bunch décor still in tip-top shape. After looking at different financing options via the internet, I began receiving phone calls from several companies which I ignored. I finally broke down and answered a call as a reward for the caller’s persistence. This turned out to be the same mistake as when we tried to find a plumber but everyone was booked up for weeks except for the last guy we called; there's a reason he was the only one in town not booked for weeks. And there was a reason for this woman's persistence.
Having been through the buying process in Texas several times, I already knew the paperwork we would need and had it ready. Lola, from a finance company that shall remain nameless but let's just say they like to “discover possibilities,” seemed very impressed by my homework. We set a pretty aggressive closing date, but she said that date should be no problem.
The next day, St. Pauli Girl told me someone from the finance company had called our realtor and told him “we” had chosen an unreasonable closing date.
“Not to worry,” I said, “Lola from the same finance company said it wouldn't be a problem.”
Nine days before closing, Lola told me that everything was in order and she was ready to pass it on to the underwriting team. Mr. Haney, the underwriting manager, called me to tell me he was looking forward to working with me. Then I didn't hear anything for five days.
On the Thursday before our Monday closing, I decided I'd better call Mr. Haney.
“I'm just trying to find out where were at since we're supposed to be closing on Monday,” I said.
“I was just about to call you,” Mr. Haney responded. “I still need your W-2 for 2010.”
“You already have it. I uploaded it for Lola two weeks ago. In fact, I'm looking at it in the document directory of your website right now. It's called W2_DK_2010.doc.”
After a brief hesitation, “Oh yeah, there it is. I was looking for 'W-2', no wonder!”
“Great but we're supposed to be closing on Monday so I’m leaving tomorrow morning because it’s a 350 mile drive from where I am right now.”
“I'm doing everything I can to make that happen.”
“I'm sure you are. I just need to know if I should bother to make the drive or not.”
“I'm working really hard on this, I just don't know.”
“Are we going to close on Monday or not?”
“I'm putting all my time on this, and I'm trying to make it happen.”
“Yes or no would be fine,” I finally said with a sigh.
“How about this, there's a 20 percent chance that you'll be closing on Monday. Is that good enough for you?”
“Fine. So, that’s a no?”
“But it's not. I'm really working hard on this. It's not no, it's twenty percent of a yes!”
I hung up. Although I gamble a little, I pretty much limit it to blackjack and video poker. We moved the closing date.
The day before our new closing date, I packed up the car with as many essential items I could for the new house. St. Pauli Girl and I both had arranged to take that day off from work to get the closing done. Mid-afternoon, I got an email message from our realtor forwarding an email from Mr. Haney's boss (whom we'll call Ivan) stating that the closing date would most likely not be met, and we should not bother to try and set any more closing dates because it makes their job harder.
I fired off an email to Ivan asking when he or Mr. Haney were ever going to bother to notify us about the closing date. After some apologies, they pushed the closing date back another week, to make closing date #3.
At 6:00 p.m. the day before closing, I once again had the car packed and ready to depart first thing the next morning. As I shut the trunk, my phone rang.
Without even looking, I knew: Mr. Haney. “We're almost there,” Mr. Haney said. “There's just one thing. We're having trouble getting St. Pauli Girl's employment verified.”
“But you said we were approved by underwriting?”
“Yes, you were but they wanted me to follow up on this.”
“But Lola received the employment information three weeks ago. You've had three weeks to do the verification.”
“Now that's true, but we're still going to need a letter from her boss to verify her employment.”
“It's 6:00 here. Everyone is gone for the day. And it's an academic department--who knows what time he gets to work.”
“I'm working really hard on this,” Mr. Haney said.
The next day when our realtor found out I wasn’t planning on coming, he called to tell me that if we don't close that day, it would take another week to redo the paperwork. I sighed, then told him I'd be on the road in thirty minutes.
My phone rang. Guess who. Mr. Haney said I was wasting my time by leaving so early (!) because he wasn't sure if we could close that day.
I finally told him, “I'm not wasting my time. You approve the loan today or the contract is dead and we’re getting an apartment.”
Finally, by late afternoon, Mr. Haney notified the title company of the loan approval. However, paperwork would not be ready until the next morning. His last words: “I'm going to work late and work really hard on this.”
Of course the paperwork was not ready the next morning. We sat at the title company for an extra hour waiting for it. And when it did come in, it included paperwork that only the seller usually signs, plus a long application form as if we were applying for a loan for the first time. The woman at the title company tried to hide her smile but failed.
“But they already have all of this information,” I told her.
“Of course they do. They couldn’t have processed the loan without it. Based on how everything has gone so far, let's just sign everything. There's no telling what might happen if we don't.”
We finally finished and moved into our new house. After a couple of weeks I decided to call Ivan back because, according to a large guarantee on their website, they offer a $1000 rebate if you don't close on time. I figured that was the least they could do for us.
“Well, I looked through the paperwork and since we never actually set a closing date, you don't qualify for the rebate,” Ivan said. “People misunderstand that guarantee all the time. What it really means is we'll do everything we can to keep from paying you $1000.”
“Like instead of setting a closing date, you give a percentage chance of closing--”
“Thanks again for your business. Tell your friends!”
There’s about a 20% chance that’ll happen. And not in a good way.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
A Tale of Two Real Estates (Part I)
So I’ve been on hiatus for a bit. After a couple of crazy months in August and September, turns out we are moving again which brings me back to one of my least favorite things: Adventures in Real Estate! We recently closed on a new house after enduring 4 weeks of ineptitude by the worst mortgage lender of all time. This of course brought back memories of selling our last house which leads us to a 2 part blog entry.
A Tale of Two Real Estates (Part I)
In October, 2009 we put our house on the market so (as it turns out) we could live closer to a meth house. Given the uncertainty of the housing market at the time, we had an appraisal done so we could accurately price it and let buyers know how fairly priced it was (i.e., we probably weren’t going to come down a whole from the appraisal). Amazingly, the first family that looked at it, made an offer. Amazingly, a really low offer. But then they backed out because they thought they might be moving elsewhere.
Fast forward to February, 2010. Things have changed, and that same family made another offer slightly better than the first one. After going back and forth slowly bringing them up on their lowball offers, we dug our heels in with our final counter-offer: take it or leave it. Yet they still countered lower. No thanks. Looked like the end of the deal.
The next day I got a message from their agent who I will henceforth refer to as Dr. Evil, "It’s a new day and after thinking things over, we still have another low offer for you."
“No thanks, see previous statement about our final offer,” I said.
Finally, they agreed to come up to our demands, but I had a sense of foreboding. We received the contract, and there’s a special provision about "roof must be insurable by insurance company of buyer’s choice or will renegotiate." I wasn’t too worried about it, as the roof was fine, but that ambiguity scared me. Plus in Texas, the buyer has 10 days to get out of the contract for any reason whatsoever during which time they can order house inspections.
They arranged an inspection, and we waited for the results. Then waited some more. After three days, (Day 7 of option period), Dr. Evil finally sent us the inspection report and said, "Fix everything the inspection report says needs fixing."
I prepared my best Bill Clinton voice and told our agent, "Okay, because the inspection doesn’t actually say anything about repairing anything. It just lists so-called deficiencies. So we’re done."
But our agent more reasonably demanded that they come back with a real list. And they did; a list of 7 or 8 items. I said we’ll fix 2. But of course there’s all sorts of ambiguity on just when is something repaired, so at agent’s suggestion, we offered them some cash to fix whatever they wanted.
Meanwhile, the inspection report said the roof should be looked at more closely by a roofing expert. So a guy came out and walked across the roof for 30 seconds. He then sent a report that the roof is in great condition, but the shed roof could use replacing and he’d be happy to do it for $800. Our agent asked if we wanted to do anything about the shed roof.
"Hell no! It’s a bloody shed, the doors are in worse shape than the roof!"
On a Sunday, our agent told us the option period would expire at midnight. Dr. Evil called back and wanted us to extend the option period by 2 days so they could get estimates for all the repairs they wanted.
"No way! You guys sat on that report for 3 days!"
Later that night, our agent called and said Dr. Evil said the option period expires on Monday.
"What do you think of that?" she asked.
“Hmm, well, I find it unbelievable that two experienced agents using the same contracts used in every Texas real estate sale don’t know when the option period ends.”
So I googled it myself and found that Dr. Evil was right, which made my agent a liar or stupid.
On Monday, a bunch of repair people came by to get their estimates. Finally, they sign off on us giving them cash. Woo-hoo, it’s a done deal. At the same time, a roofer no older than 15 came out to look at the roof for their insurance company. We are informed later that night that Dr. Evil just sent us a letter from the buyer’s insurance company stating that the roof is uninsurable and the whole front needs to be replaced. She wanted us to call our insurance company.
Our insurance company won’t even look at it unless we file a claim which we had no reason to. Plus their own inspector said it looked great. But since we technically had to re-negotiate the contract, we gave them our terms: sign off or the house goes back on the market at midnight and we’re scheduling an open house for this weekend.
Dr. Evil freaked out. No, they don’t want to back out. They proposed adding $2000 to the purchase price which we would refund to them at closing costing us nothing and that way they can finance their repairs in the mortgage.
Now this ordeal was bad enough but the real stress was coming from the fact we had made an offer to buy a different house in a far away town with the option period closing fast, and we needed to sell our house before we could complete that sale.
Next came a new catch: the roof needed to be fixed (even though it’s not broken) by the buyers before closing for their mortgage approval. Normally I would have said, “why don’t you just go jump off the supposedly shoddy roof”, but we really needed to make this deal work.
Two days later, they had a new plan. The insurance company would let them buy the house as long as they had the roof replaced within 30 days. Fine, but now we won’t sign anything until we see proof from the same insurance company that wouldn’t insure it a week ago. Eventually, we received their insurance binder.
On the next Monday, an older gentleman pulled up in a pickup truck. We thought he was the man coming to pick up our old garage freezer (otherwise we wouldn’t have answered the door.) Nope, he’s the grandfather of the woman buying the house. He wanted to walk through and look at the house. Then he asked if we’d be picking up the pecans from our pecan tree.
Bwah, hah, hah, hah, are you kidding me? That’s the best reason our house sold right then so we wouldn’t have to pick up pecans nor trim the rose bushes!
He said he wanted the pecans. After thinking about it later, the sheer gall of him and his family just pissed me off. I vowed to pick up the pecans and throw them in the dumpster. Hmmm, no wait, that would be too much work. Instead, I’d just walk around and stomp them to bits.
Wednesday morning, I was working in my home office at 9:00 a.m. when I heard a bunch of trucks pull up. I went out and saw a roofing company getting ready to tear our roof apart! I talked to the foreman (who incidentally laughed and wanted to know what’s wrong with the roof, it looked good to him). Finally, I talked some sense into him and they left.
The scary thing is if they had come a day later when I was out of town, they would have put a new roof on. The deal finally did close, and we found out that Dr. Evil was the cousin of the buyer and just wanted to ensure the buyer got a good deal. The buyers did partially replace the roof so that it became multi-colored and looked like crap. But they sold the house and moved out after a year. I’m guessing that by now someone has stuffed Dr. Evil into a wood chipper somewhere.
A Tale of Two Real Estates (Part I)
In October, 2009 we put our house on the market so (as it turns out) we could live closer to a meth house. Given the uncertainty of the housing market at the time, we had an appraisal done so we could accurately price it and let buyers know how fairly priced it was (i.e., we probably weren’t going to come down a whole from the appraisal). Amazingly, the first family that looked at it, made an offer. Amazingly, a really low offer. But then they backed out because they thought they might be moving elsewhere.
Fast forward to February, 2010. Things have changed, and that same family made another offer slightly better than the first one. After going back and forth slowly bringing them up on their lowball offers, we dug our heels in with our final counter-offer: take it or leave it. Yet they still countered lower. No thanks. Looked like the end of the deal.
The next day I got a message from their agent who I will henceforth refer to as Dr. Evil, "It’s a new day and after thinking things over, we still have another low offer for you."
“No thanks, see previous statement about our final offer,” I said.
Finally, they agreed to come up to our demands, but I had a sense of foreboding. We received the contract, and there’s a special provision about "roof must be insurable by insurance company of buyer’s choice or will renegotiate." I wasn’t too worried about it, as the roof was fine, but that ambiguity scared me. Plus in Texas, the buyer has 10 days to get out of the contract for any reason whatsoever during which time they can order house inspections.
They arranged an inspection, and we waited for the results. Then waited some more. After three days, (Day 7 of option period), Dr. Evil finally sent us the inspection report and said, "Fix everything the inspection report says needs fixing."
I prepared my best Bill Clinton voice and told our agent, "Okay, because the inspection doesn’t actually say anything about repairing anything. It just lists so-called deficiencies. So we’re done."
But our agent more reasonably demanded that they come back with a real list. And they did; a list of 7 or 8 items. I said we’ll fix 2. But of course there’s all sorts of ambiguity on just when is something repaired, so at agent’s suggestion, we offered them some cash to fix whatever they wanted.
Meanwhile, the inspection report said the roof should be looked at more closely by a roofing expert. So a guy came out and walked across the roof for 30 seconds. He then sent a report that the roof is in great condition, but the shed roof could use replacing and he’d be happy to do it for $800. Our agent asked if we wanted to do anything about the shed roof.
"Hell no! It’s a bloody shed, the doors are in worse shape than the roof!"
On a Sunday, our agent told us the option period would expire at midnight. Dr. Evil called back and wanted us to extend the option period by 2 days so they could get estimates for all the repairs they wanted.
"No way! You guys sat on that report for 3 days!"
Later that night, our agent called and said Dr. Evil said the option period expires on Monday.
"What do you think of that?" she asked.
“Hmm, well, I find it unbelievable that two experienced agents using the same contracts used in every Texas real estate sale don’t know when the option period ends.”
So I googled it myself and found that Dr. Evil was right, which made my agent a liar or stupid.
On Monday, a bunch of repair people came by to get their estimates. Finally, they sign off on us giving them cash. Woo-hoo, it’s a done deal. At the same time, a roofer no older than 15 came out to look at the roof for their insurance company. We are informed later that night that Dr. Evil just sent us a letter from the buyer’s insurance company stating that the roof is uninsurable and the whole front needs to be replaced. She wanted us to call our insurance company.
Our insurance company won’t even look at it unless we file a claim which we had no reason to. Plus their own inspector said it looked great. But since we technically had to re-negotiate the contract, we gave them our terms: sign off or the house goes back on the market at midnight and we’re scheduling an open house for this weekend.
Dr. Evil freaked out. No, they don’t want to back out. They proposed adding $2000 to the purchase price which we would refund to them at closing costing us nothing and that way they can finance their repairs in the mortgage.
Now this ordeal was bad enough but the real stress was coming from the fact we had made an offer to buy a different house in a far away town with the option period closing fast, and we needed to sell our house before we could complete that sale.
Next came a new catch: the roof needed to be fixed (even though it’s not broken) by the buyers before closing for their mortgage approval. Normally I would have said, “why don’t you just go jump off the supposedly shoddy roof”, but we really needed to make this deal work.
Two days later, they had a new plan. The insurance company would let them buy the house as long as they had the roof replaced within 30 days. Fine, but now we won’t sign anything until we see proof from the same insurance company that wouldn’t insure it a week ago. Eventually, we received their insurance binder.
On the next Monday, an older gentleman pulled up in a pickup truck. We thought he was the man coming to pick up our old garage freezer (otherwise we wouldn’t have answered the door.) Nope, he’s the grandfather of the woman buying the house. He wanted to walk through and look at the house. Then he asked if we’d be picking up the pecans from our pecan tree.
Bwah, hah, hah, hah, are you kidding me? That’s the best reason our house sold right then so we wouldn’t have to pick up pecans nor trim the rose bushes!
He said he wanted the pecans. After thinking about it later, the sheer gall of him and his family just pissed me off. I vowed to pick up the pecans and throw them in the dumpster. Hmmm, no wait, that would be too much work. Instead, I’d just walk around and stomp them to bits.
Wednesday morning, I was working in my home office at 9:00 a.m. when I heard a bunch of trucks pull up. I went out and saw a roofing company getting ready to tear our roof apart! I talked to the foreman (who incidentally laughed and wanted to know what’s wrong with the roof, it looked good to him). Finally, I talked some sense into him and they left.
The scary thing is if they had come a day later when I was out of town, they would have put a new roof on. The deal finally did close, and we found out that Dr. Evil was the cousin of the buyer and just wanted to ensure the buyer got a good deal. The buyers did partially replace the roof so that it became multi-colored and looked like crap. But they sold the house and moved out after a year. I’m guessing that by now someone has stuffed Dr. Evil into a wood chipper somewhere.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Stupidland
We just returned from an early evening concert by the great James McMurtry. The show was fantastic! What we saw of it anyway. Unfortunately, we had to put up with people that slowly meandered in front of us blocking our view along with the many people running around trying to get pictures and videos on their cell phones.
So I felt that I needed to write a song about it. It goes to the tune of James McMurtry’s classic: Levelland (please don’t sue me Mr. McMurtry)
Stupidland
On Uncle Billy’s rooftop
Beer was flowing non-stop
We got there early to get a table
Broiling in the sun
Hillbilly strumming a banjo
Keeping tune with a toy piano
Better stop that opening act
Before we all get suicidal
With barbecue smelling good
James finally came out
In a tight three piece combo
Blowin’ those speakers out
So the crowds came round
And blocked our view
Mega-pixel photos wherever you turn
And when those flashes all went off
I called it Stupidland – Low IQ humans
Guy in a hula skirt
Standing a bit too close
If you sway those hips near me
I’m gonna bust your nose
Old Guy in the pork pie hat
Dancing and blocking our view
Tapped out his own two feet
With those size 18 sandals
Rodeo left yesterday
Circus gone for another year
Clown school out on summer break
What are you doin’ here?
But he kept on twisting
And the cameras kept clicking
Stooges calling friends on phones
They are most respected citizens
In Stupidland -- They don’t understand anything
In Stupidland
And I watched those cell phones rising up blocking every view
Pics and vids, press record
You couldn’t blame me one damn bit if I tackled every one
Cos I’d rather see the show
Just Stupidland
Far as you can point your hand
Nothin’ but Stupidland
St. Pauli Girl cryin’ in her beer
Me, I’m climbin’ up a ladder
I asked her to make a wish
She wished we both could fly
Don’t think we’ve seen the show
Since the third or fourth song
I paid off all our bar debts
Then grabbed me a really long stick
Knocked that pork pie hat to the wind
Then we ran as far we could get
From Stupidland – imagine that
Monday, July 9, 2012
Supermarket Wine
The only reason to go to our local supermarket on a Saturday is for the free wine tasting. That almost makes up for the 6 near accidents you’ll have in the parking lot, along with dealing with the hordes of bubbas fighting for a jalapeno sausage sample or moms in bathing suits loading carts with cases of beer and hot dogs for family backyard shindig. And that’s assuming you even find a parking spot.
Last weekend, we fearlessly ventured into the store to pick up a few items and try to get out unscathed in less than 4 hours. As we came through the produce section, the announcement came over the loud speaker:
“Ladies and gentlemen, please join the lovely Charisse as she samples some of our fine wines in the front of the store.”
We looked toward the front of the store where a bald, mustached gentleman in probably his late 60’s stood behind a table of wine.
“Huh, he doesn’t look like a Charisse,” I said.
“He’s not bad looking, but lovely is a bit of a stretch,” St. Pauli Girl countered.
Confused, we moved on to the rest of our shopping. As we came out of the snack aisle, we stumbled into a table where a young, blond woman stood behind four open bottles of wine.
“So there really is a Charisse?”
“Yep, that’s me. We’ve got four samples to try including two chardonnays, but this chardonnay is my favorite.” She pointed to one of the opened bottles.
Favorite? She barely looked old enough to drive, much less drink wine, and was much much too young to have favorites.
“Your favorite? Why is that?” St. Pauli Girl asked.
“It’s the sweetest.” She gave a sweet smile.
“We’ll try all of them except that one,” I said, unoffended. It wasn’t her fault someone hired her to peddle a product she knew nothing about.
We headed over to where the bald, mustachioed Charisse manned a table of wine. Alas, he only had one kind of wine to sample. And he liked to talk while he poured.
“Now this is a malbec, medium bodied, kind of in-between a cabernet and a chardonnay.”
“Um, yes. Okay.”
“And it’s from the Bodega winery.”
“Bodega?”
“Yes,” he replied pointing at the label. To his credit, the label did say “bodega.”
“That’s a big winery,” I replied. “I’m pretty sure they cornered the market of all wine in Spain and most of South America.” (Bodega means “winery” or “vineyard” in Spanish.)
St. Pauli Girl punched me in the arm.
“Do you make wine?” he asked, looking at me strangely.
What an odd question. I almost said that I had made it before, but I was afraid of extending the conversation. Then he pointed at my hat which advertised the Grapevine Cigar Company.
“Well, your hat says grape, and I just thought maybe you were a winemaker.”
“Nope, don’t roll cigars either.”
St. Pauli Girl grabbed my arm and pulled me away.
So in closing, I’d just like to let the store know that if you are providing wine samples:
A. Hire someone who can at least talk about wine in general. Or
B. Hire someone who won’t say a word. Or
C. Have young blond women provide the samples.
By what am I complaining about? It gives me one more small reason to put up with the traffic and customers of that store on a Saturday.
Last weekend, we fearlessly ventured into the store to pick up a few items and try to get out unscathed in less than 4 hours. As we came through the produce section, the announcement came over the loud speaker:
“Ladies and gentlemen, please join the lovely Charisse as she samples some of our fine wines in the front of the store.”
We looked toward the front of the store where a bald, mustached gentleman in probably his late 60’s stood behind a table of wine.
“Huh, he doesn’t look like a Charisse,” I said.
“He’s not bad looking, but lovely is a bit of a stretch,” St. Pauli Girl countered.
Confused, we moved on to the rest of our shopping. As we came out of the snack aisle, we stumbled into a table where a young, blond woman stood behind four open bottles of wine.
“So there really is a Charisse?”
“Yep, that’s me. We’ve got four samples to try including two chardonnays, but this chardonnay is my favorite.” She pointed to one of the opened bottles.
Favorite? She barely looked old enough to drive, much less drink wine, and was much much too young to have favorites.
“Your favorite? Why is that?” St. Pauli Girl asked.
“It’s the sweetest.” She gave a sweet smile.
“We’ll try all of them except that one,” I said, unoffended. It wasn’t her fault someone hired her to peddle a product she knew nothing about.
We headed over to where the bald, mustachioed Charisse manned a table of wine. Alas, he only had one kind of wine to sample. And he liked to talk while he poured.
“Now this is a malbec, medium bodied, kind of in-between a cabernet and a chardonnay.”
“Um, yes. Okay.”
“And it’s from the Bodega winery.”
“Bodega?”
“Yes,” he replied pointing at the label. To his credit, the label did say “bodega.”
“That’s a big winery,” I replied. “I’m pretty sure they cornered the market of all wine in Spain and most of South America.” (Bodega means “winery” or “vineyard” in Spanish.)
St. Pauli Girl punched me in the arm.
“Do you make wine?” he asked, looking at me strangely.
What an odd question. I almost said that I had made it before, but I was afraid of extending the conversation. Then he pointed at my hat which advertised the Grapevine Cigar Company.
“Well, your hat says grape, and I just thought maybe you were a winemaker.”
“Nope, don’t roll cigars either.”
St. Pauli Girl grabbed my arm and pulled me away.
So in closing, I’d just like to let the store know that if you are providing wine samples:
A. Hire someone who can at least talk about wine in general. Or
B. Hire someone who won’t say a word. Or
C. Have young blond women provide the samples.
By what am I complaining about? It gives me one more small reason to put up with the traffic and customers of that store on a Saturday.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Notes from an Extended Dance Vacation
We recently returned from one of our longest vacations ever (8 days) which involved driving half-way across the country:
On day 1, we checked into our hotel. The hotel clerk handed me the key along with a typed note detailing the high crime in the area and advising us to not leave anything in our car. We carried everything into the room then locked ourselves inside until dawn.
Actually we did go out for dinner and enjoyed a pleasant evening on a deck overlooking the river where 2 guys sang and played guitars. One guy performed while he smoked a cigarette. When he played, he held the cigarette in his mouth, and when he sang he strummed the guitar with the cigarette in his fingers. America’s got talent.
On day 2, we struggled driving through massive storms in Arkansas which eventually brought traffic to a halt. St. Pauli Girl doesn’t like to sit still and told me she was going to drive the car down a steep embankment, through the grassy median to the other side of the interstate where we could then plan an alternate route. Luckily traffic started moving before she could proceed with her plan. Later when traffic stopped again, she gunned the car through a construction area and did a U-turn on the interstate.
Day Two’s Lesson: Never order “Fish and Chips” at a truck stop. Unless you grew up in the 70’s and loved fish sticks.
We finally made it all the way to Memphis where of course we had to go to Graceland. They provide you with a set of headphones for your own personal audio walking tour. The narrator pointed out that flash photography is not allowed in the mansion. The bus driver reiterated this warning, followed by additional warnings from tour guides as we got off the bus and just before we entered the mansion. Within 30 seconds of entering the mansion, flashes started going off. But the cool thing was that activated a hidden, pre-recorded, booming voice in the house which once again advised against flash photography. A less sophisticated person would think it was Elvis’ voice from beyond the grave. But more than likely, it was the Colonel’s.
That night we actually had a great time on Beale Street which I expected to be a big tourist trap. We stumbled onto the Brandon Santini Band which I highly recommend to anyone who enjoys great music. At one point, St. Pauli Girl asked me to get her a chardonnay in this sketchy blues club which specialized in Pabst Blue Ribbon in Big Gulp cups. “If I do that, they might kick my ass,” I told her.
I finally went up to the bar and told the bartender loudly, “PBR in the big cup,” then whispered while shrugging and rolling my eyes, “and a chardonnay for the little lady.” I successfully came back with drinks to the table and no fisticuffs.
We arrived in Cincinnati where my brother had set up golf tee-times at his exclusive country club. Of course it rained, and we had to cancel. I accused my brother of never having ever belonged to even the local putt-putt course as this was the third time we had been rained out at playing at one of his “exclusive” clubs. The scary thing is this means my brother can control the weather.
Day 5: Duck Fat French Fries!
I confess that I love a good wedding. It’s just one of those great, feel-good celebrations where everyone is joyous except for those involved in the planning and those that get their car dinged in the church parking lot. A great wedding needs three things:
1. Alcohol (a cash bar is fine)
2. Heavy hors d'oeuvres (or full sit-down dinner)
3. Dancing (including at least 2 or 3 polka songs)
(optional) A fight and/or wardrobe malfunction between women trying to catch the bridal bouquet
Luckily this wedding had all three and then some! But the wedding and our entire trip was almost ruined when the DJ cut off “Kung Fu Fighting” in the middle of the song. He should probably have his license revoked. So really, the full-length version of “Kung Fu Fighting” is the fourth thing a great wedding needs. And it must be the Carl Douglas version. But if you don't have music then a real kung fu fight is also acceptable.
On our way home, we stopped at a hotel and asked for a non-smoking room. We received a room where the ashtray had been turned upside down. (And if you guessed Arkansas, you win a free lifetime membership to this blog.)
On day 1, we checked into our hotel. The hotel clerk handed me the key along with a typed note detailing the high crime in the area and advising us to not leave anything in our car. We carried everything into the room then locked ourselves inside until dawn.
Actually we did go out for dinner and enjoyed a pleasant evening on a deck overlooking the river where 2 guys sang and played guitars. One guy performed while he smoked a cigarette. When he played, he held the cigarette in his mouth, and when he sang he strummed the guitar with the cigarette in his fingers. America’s got talent.
On day 2, we struggled driving through massive storms in Arkansas which eventually brought traffic to a halt. St. Pauli Girl doesn’t like to sit still and told me she was going to drive the car down a steep embankment, through the grassy median to the other side of the interstate where we could then plan an alternate route. Luckily traffic started moving before she could proceed with her plan. Later when traffic stopped again, she gunned the car through a construction area and did a U-turn on the interstate.
Day Two’s Lesson: Never order “Fish and Chips” at a truck stop. Unless you grew up in the 70’s and loved fish sticks.
We finally made it all the way to Memphis where of course we had to go to Graceland. They provide you with a set of headphones for your own personal audio walking tour. The narrator pointed out that flash photography is not allowed in the mansion. The bus driver reiterated this warning, followed by additional warnings from tour guides as we got off the bus and just before we entered the mansion. Within 30 seconds of entering the mansion, flashes started going off. But the cool thing was that activated a hidden, pre-recorded, booming voice in the house which once again advised against flash photography. A less sophisticated person would think it was Elvis’ voice from beyond the grave. But more than likely, it was the Colonel’s.
That night we actually had a great time on Beale Street which I expected to be a big tourist trap. We stumbled onto the Brandon Santini Band which I highly recommend to anyone who enjoys great music. At one point, St. Pauli Girl asked me to get her a chardonnay in this sketchy blues club which specialized in Pabst Blue Ribbon in Big Gulp cups. “If I do that, they might kick my ass,” I told her.
I finally went up to the bar and told the bartender loudly, “PBR in the big cup,” then whispered while shrugging and rolling my eyes, “and a chardonnay for the little lady.” I successfully came back with drinks to the table and no fisticuffs.
We arrived in Cincinnati where my brother had set up golf tee-times at his exclusive country club. Of course it rained, and we had to cancel. I accused my brother of never having ever belonged to even the local putt-putt course as this was the third time we had been rained out at playing at one of his “exclusive” clubs. The scary thing is this means my brother can control the weather.
Day 5: Duck Fat French Fries!
I confess that I love a good wedding. It’s just one of those great, feel-good celebrations where everyone is joyous except for those involved in the planning and those that get their car dinged in the church parking lot. A great wedding needs three things:
1. Alcohol (a cash bar is fine)
2. Heavy hors d'oeuvres (or full sit-down dinner)
3. Dancing (including at least 2 or 3 polka songs)
(optional) A fight and/or wardrobe malfunction between women trying to catch the bridal bouquet
Luckily this wedding had all three and then some! But the wedding and our entire trip was almost ruined when the DJ cut off “Kung Fu Fighting” in the middle of the song. He should probably have his license revoked. So really, the full-length version of “Kung Fu Fighting” is the fourth thing a great wedding needs. And it must be the Carl Douglas version. But if you don't have music then a real kung fu fight is also acceptable.
On our way home, we stopped at a hotel and asked for a non-smoking room. We received a room where the ashtray had been turned upside down. (And if you guessed Arkansas, you win a free lifetime membership to this blog.)
Friday, May 18, 2012
Vegas For the Win!
We recently returned from our Las Vegas vacation, and it’s time to add up the wins and losses:
It hasn’t rained in this area for it seems 6 months, but it was raining as we drove to the airport for our departure: I volunteer to park the car to spare St. Pauli Girl’s hair. As soon as I park, the rain comes down even harder. I have to run to two different shuttle bus stations. By the time I get to the terminal, I’m soaked. Loss
Since it was vacation as well as 8:30 a.m., we treat ourselves to Bloody Mary’s on the plane. The debit card machine breaks down, and the flight attendant never comes back for payment. Free drinks for the Win!
Flight arrives early. Baggage arrives quickly, no waiting for the rental car. We arrive at the Paris for brunch 30 minutes earlier than planned, get a great table on the outdoor patio at Mon Ami Gabi after only a 15 minute wait. Win
“I can’t wait to gamble,” I said. “We are on quite a roll.”
VIP check-in at the Golden Nugget, no waiting. Win (Okay we paid extra for this as we were celebrating the sale of our restaurant.)
No more Elvis slot machines at the Golden Nugget. Loss
A lot of high profile chefs these days offer exclusive (read: expensive) kitchen seating where you can see all the action up close. For a mere fraction of the cost, sit at the Binion’s Café counter which is directly in front of the grill. Watch the talented grill cook handle 20 pounds of hash browns and 15 hamburgers and buns at once, plus eggs and bacon. Enjoy the show as he berates the servers for grabbing the wrong plates. And it’s tough to beat Binion’s Hangover Burger, even if you don’t have a hangover. Win for the food and the entertainment.
65-year-old male bartender singing along to ABBA’s “Dancing Queen.” Win
To get away from the casinos for awhile, St. Pauli Girl finds some antique shops to browse. As we walk through a shop, we hear a woman screaming from up front:
“Don’t touch me! Don’t %&# touch me! Do you hear me? You call my grandmother and ask her who #&^% runs this shop! What did you call me? You think I’m not worldly and smart? Who the *%#@ do you think you are saying that to, *%#@*? You call my grandmother and ask her! Then you come back and tell me who the %&# runs this shop!”
At that point, we run into another vendor and ask him, “Is there a back door?”
“Oh don’t worry. This happens all the time. No big deal.”
When we hear a pause in the screaming, we run for the front door. Push (It was funny afterwards but actually pretty scary in the store.)
St. Pauli Girl orders meatloaf for dinner. Loss
At midnight, we drive past a guy sitting on the ground meditating in the lotus position on top of the Main Street Station parking garage. Win
Woman asks bartender if they have any better wines.
“Not for comps,” he replies.
“Then can I have a taste of the white zinfandel?”
Apparently even comped drinkers can be choosy. Win for entertainment.
$13.99 a day for internet access in the hotel? You can get free access at Motel 6, and they’ll leave the light on for you! Loss
Playing blackjack next to a barefoot 80 year old Chinese man who rubs his arm a certain way for luck on every hand. We both get dealt a blackjack. He gives me a fist bump. Win
Playing blackjack next to a guy who is providing color commentary on his own play. Loss
We go out to the pool bar for an afternoon cocktail, find out it’s last call. Push
Call hotel maintenance because our smoke detector keeps beeping. Before he replaces it, he asks, “You sure you don’t have anything in your luggage that’s beeping?” Push
Unsure what to do for lunch, we break down and hit the cheap buffet. Vegas buffets have become quite good over the years and some of them charge $50 to $80 per person. This one charges $7.99. And it isn’t worth it. Epic Loss
Total gambling: Loss
Our flight arrives back in Austin and apparently it hasn’t stopped raining since we left. I volunteer to get the car. It’s pouring again. I’m sure I parked in space 80, but that’s not our car. After running around and getting soaked, turns out I parked in space 60. And in another section. Plus I’m pretty sure everyone on the shuttle bus was laughing at me. Loss
It hasn’t rained in this area for it seems 6 months, but it was raining as we drove to the airport for our departure: I volunteer to park the car to spare St. Pauli Girl’s hair. As soon as I park, the rain comes down even harder. I have to run to two different shuttle bus stations. By the time I get to the terminal, I’m soaked. Loss
Since it was vacation as well as 8:30 a.m., we treat ourselves to Bloody Mary’s on the plane. The debit card machine breaks down, and the flight attendant never comes back for payment. Free drinks for the Win!
Flight arrives early. Baggage arrives quickly, no waiting for the rental car. We arrive at the Paris for brunch 30 minutes earlier than planned, get a great table on the outdoor patio at Mon Ami Gabi after only a 15 minute wait. Win
“I can’t wait to gamble,” I said. “We are on quite a roll.”
VIP check-in at the Golden Nugget, no waiting. Win (Okay we paid extra for this as we were celebrating the sale of our restaurant.)
No more Elvis slot machines at the Golden Nugget. Loss
A lot of high profile chefs these days offer exclusive (read: expensive) kitchen seating where you can see all the action up close. For a mere fraction of the cost, sit at the Binion’s Café counter which is directly in front of the grill. Watch the talented grill cook handle 20 pounds of hash browns and 15 hamburgers and buns at once, plus eggs and bacon. Enjoy the show as he berates the servers for grabbing the wrong plates. And it’s tough to beat Binion’s Hangover Burger, even if you don’t have a hangover. Win for the food and the entertainment.
65-year-old male bartender singing along to ABBA’s “Dancing Queen.” Win
To get away from the casinos for awhile, St. Pauli Girl finds some antique shops to browse. As we walk through a shop, we hear a woman screaming from up front:
“Don’t touch me! Don’t %&# touch me! Do you hear me? You call my grandmother and ask her who #&^% runs this shop! What did you call me? You think I’m not worldly and smart? Who the *%#@ do you think you are saying that to, *%#@*? You call my grandmother and ask her! Then you come back and tell me who the %&# runs this shop!”
At that point, we run into another vendor and ask him, “Is there a back door?”
“Oh don’t worry. This happens all the time. No big deal.”
When we hear a pause in the screaming, we run for the front door. Push (It was funny afterwards but actually pretty scary in the store.)
St. Pauli Girl orders meatloaf for dinner. Loss
At midnight, we drive past a guy sitting on the ground meditating in the lotus position on top of the Main Street Station parking garage. Win
Woman asks bartender if they have any better wines.
“Not for comps,” he replies.
“Then can I have a taste of the white zinfandel?”
Apparently even comped drinkers can be choosy. Win for entertainment.
$13.99 a day for internet access in the hotel? You can get free access at Motel 6, and they’ll leave the light on for you! Loss
Playing blackjack next to a barefoot 80 year old Chinese man who rubs his arm a certain way for luck on every hand. We both get dealt a blackjack. He gives me a fist bump. Win
Playing blackjack next to a guy who is providing color commentary on his own play. Loss
We go out to the pool bar for an afternoon cocktail, find out it’s last call. Push
Call hotel maintenance because our smoke detector keeps beeping. Before he replaces it, he asks, “You sure you don’t have anything in your luggage that’s beeping?” Push
Unsure what to do for lunch, we break down and hit the cheap buffet. Vegas buffets have become quite good over the years and some of them charge $50 to $80 per person. This one charges $7.99. And it isn’t worth it. Epic Loss
Total gambling: Loss
Our flight arrives back in Austin and apparently it hasn’t stopped raining since we left. I volunteer to get the car. It’s pouring again. I’m sure I parked in space 80, but that’s not our car. After running around and getting soaked, turns out I parked in space 60. And in another section. Plus I’m pretty sure everyone on the shuttle bus was laughing at me. Loss
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)