Monday, November 16, 2009

The Fawning Season

I don’t watch much football on tv these days so perhaps the lionizing of assistant coaches is a new thing. Never has an assistant coach gotten more television airtime than Will Muschamp of the University of Texas football team. He must hire his own PR team. He’s approaching Bob Seger "Like a Rock" territory. A sample UT telecast:

Brent Musburger (BM): We’re live at Floyd Casey Stadium in Waco, Texas as the Baylor Bears host the University of Texas Longhorns.

Kirk Herbstreit (KH): You can see UT getting ready to come out of the tunnel.

BM: Hopefully, we can get past those white jerseys and that old guy in the orange shirt… wait there he is, Will Muschamp, excitable as ever. Looks like he’s ready to buckle the chinstrap and get out there himself.

KH: It will be interesting to see if the Baylor gameplan has come up with a way to stop him.


BM: And UT has won the coin toss. Let’s go to Andrea Kramer down on the field.

Andrea: Brent, I asked Coach Muschamp if he made the call on the coin toss, and he said that he was not part of that decision, but that if it were his choice, he would choose tails.

BM: Wow, what an underdog! Going against the mainstream!

KH: And the genius of that decision is that he’s right 50 percent of the time. I mean that’s a well-prepared coach always playing the percentages.


BM: And the Baylor Bears complete a 23 yard pass for a first down. And that will get this crowd fired up for what has been a dismal first half for them.

KH: They’re not the only ones fired up, look at Will Muschamp stomping around on the sidelines.

BM: Let’s go to the replay.

KH: Here you see Muschamp signaling in the defense.. he turns his back for a second… now he’s waving in a new signal… but there’s the snap… and he flings his clipboard to the ground. Looks like he was trying to wave off the signal and change the play.

BM: So it was the players’ fault?

KH: Indeed. Had they seen that last signal, I bet that would have been an interception.

BM: Okay, well let’s focus on him during this next play. The play clock is down to 8 seconds… Muschamp is rolling his hands, signaling his defense… now he’s telling the referee to get out of the way… and now it looks like he’s spit out some gum, we’ll get Andrea to check on that… he’s grimacing… now jumping up and down… waving his hands and slapping players on the back as they come off the field. Meanwhile, the Baylor quarterback was sacked for a 16 yard loss.

KH: Another great call.

BM: We’d show you a replay of the sack but unfortunately all of our cameras were focused on Muschamp during that play.

KH: We had dinner with Muschamp last night, and he told us he’d be changing a lot of plays at the last second.

BM: Dinner? It was more like a slumber party. And folks, you can guess who won the pillow fight. Muschamp faked high with his pillow then nailed Herbie in the gut.

KH: Then he hid your bunny slippers later, remember?


BM: Time winding down on a beatdown dished out by Will Muschamp and company.

KH: I think Baylor would probably just like to set the clock to zero right now and get out of here.

BM: But they’re still passing and trying. There’s a receiver open down the middle … and …. Ooooooohhhhhhh! He was leveled by a Texas defender.

KH: Look at Muschamp! He called it! He was pointing at the player and by reading his lips, you can make out, "tackle him!"

BM: The Baylor player is shaken up. Medical personnel are checking him out. Gee Willikers, you hate to see that. I’m just glad he wasn’t out of bounds and slipping on the track that’s so close to the field. Yikes, now they’re bringing out an ambulance. And a minister. My God, they’re hanging up blankets around the scene so the fans can’t see what’s happening.

KH: This looks serious.

BM: Coach Muschamp runs out to see if he can help. The stadium is eerily silent. Wait, they’re dropping the blankets… the ambulance is driving away… and there’s the Baylor player up and walking toward the sideline. The crowd is going crazy! Let’s go down to Andrea on the field.

Andrea: Brent, I talked to the paramedics, and they still can’t believe it. When the minister came out, they were actually declaring the player dead! There were no signs of life. But then Will Muschamp came out and whispered a few words to the player, waved his arm over the body, and the player came back to life! In fact, injury free!

BM: Wow! Amazing! I mean what a good sport, helping players from the other team.

KH: You think he would have at least left him injured. That player may come back to score a touchdown to cut the lead to 40. A few onside kicks and Baylor is back in this.

BM: Herbie, now’s not the time to question such mundane matters when lives are at stake. I think we can all agree that no one is prouder than Coach M…M… Ma… Ma…….Mack….

KH: Davis?

BM: Yes, Coach Mac Davis has a lot to be proud of today.

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