Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Bachelor Cooking

St. Pauli Girl is the best cook in the world. She’s also my editor, so I think that line will get us off to a good start. Friends and guests always ask why I don’t weigh 400 pounds. That always puzzles me because I weigh about 390. My standard response is that St. Pauli Girl loves to cook, and I love to eat, so we make a perfect couple. Plus she does more of the dishes than I do. I supposed if I worked a little harder in the kitchen, my weight might drop to 387 or so.

The next question I’m often asked is, “Do you cook?” That’s silly; that’s like asking Jon Stewart if his wife ever drives when they’re late to the movies. I meant Tony Stewart. Yes, I follow racing. Anyway, my response has always been, “Well, I used to think I was a pretty good cook until I met St. Pauli Girl.” And it’s true; I had some good reviews back in the day. But I’m also the guy that served Chef Boy-R-Dee pizza to St. Pauli Girl on one of our early dates. But I thought literally outside the box by improvising a bit with some extra cheese and pepperoni (the Chef Boy-R-Dee pizza comes in a box). I can’t help it; even at my advanced age I still love the sauce (probably because it’s loaded with sugar). Surprisingly, St. Pauli Girl was impressed with my efforts or at least pretended to be, and that may have been the last thing I cooked for her.

Yesterday, I managed to find a collection of recipes from my bachelor days. Since it’s the season of giving, I now share them here so that even people who have no Michelin stars to their name can enjoy a nice home-cooked meal.

The Easy, Healthy Chicken Dinner with Easy Clean-up

1. Get a chicken breast.
2. Season with salt and pepper, but mostly pepper. Lots of pepper. Like a handful.
3. Microwave for 5 to 7 minutes until done. Poke it with a fork. If the fork can’t penetrate, it’s done.
4. Get some fresh spinach from the fridge and put into bowl. Cover with Caesar or Ranch dressing.
5. Microwave some frozen green beans then melt some butter over it.
6. Eat.
7. Throw away paper plates.

The Easy, Not As Healthy Chicken Dinner

1. Get a box of chicken-flavored Rice-A-Roni.
2. Fix it according to instructions on box.
3. Get a box of frozen fried chicken.
4. Get 2 or 3 pieces and microwave according to instructions.
5. Place chicken on plate with a heaping helping of Rice-A-Roni.
6. Eat.

The Commercial Dinner (Can be fixed and eaten during a tv commercial break)

1. When you sense a commercial break coming, run to the kitchen and throw 2 hot dogs into the microwave for a minute.
2. Fix a drink while waiting.
3. When hot dogs are done, reach in with fork and pull out a hot dog.
4. (Optional) add a little ketchup or mustard while hot dog is still on fork.
5. Eat hot dog from fork.
6. Repeat Steps 3-5 for the second hot dog.
7. Drop fork into sink or dishwasher.

Cheap Pizza

1. Call your favorite local pizza delivery company and order a pizza for your neighbor.
2. When you hear the pizza delivery car pull up, step outside and pretend you are going somewhere.
3. After neighbor refuses pizza and slams door, console pizza guy. Offer to take pizza off his hands for a few dollars (plus a dollar tip).
4. Only do this once a month, and frequently change neighbors and pizza vendors.


  1. No, sorry, that's incorrect. She's cute and all, but I'M the best cook in the world. :P

  2. If that's so, I look forward to seeing your favorite moose recipe.