One night during our routine happy hour with the Delilah radio show on in the background, a female listener called in and said, "I'd like to request a song for my fiancee and thank God for bringing him into my life. This will be my second marriage."
I couldn't help but wonder what happened to the first marriage:
(Cindy Lou enters the Almighty Dating Agency where she is greeted by an angel from behind a desk)
Cindy: I'd like to have my name and video withdrawn from the dating agency.
Angel: May I ask why?
Cindy: I found the man of my dreams. I'm getting married! (she flashes the engagement ring to the angel)
Angel: Excellent! Congratulations! (starts tapping on a computer keyboard) This will just take a minute.
Cindy: Billy Jack is the one for me.
Angel: Billy Jack? Oh dear. I'm afraid I can't pull you out of the system.
Cindy: But I'm getting married.
Angel: Yes, well, Billy Jack isn't quite who we had picked out for you. Your profile will have to remain active.
Cindy: So guys will still be calling me when I'm married?
Angel: (laughs) You youngsters are so cute. Look, just take a little time and fully investigate your love. Maybe even do a background check. (Winks at Cindy Lou)
Cindy: I know everything I need to know. Let me talk to your manager.
(The angel dials the phone and after a brief conversation leads Cindy Lou to God's office.)
God: I hear you got a dating problem. What's the matter with him? I don't take complaints very well.
Cindy: There's nothing wrong with him. Billy Jack is perfect in every way.
God: (taps on computer keyboard). Billy Jack, hmmmm, and that's not a nickname for Earnest Willoughby?
God: Earnest Willoughby is your perfect mate.
Cindy: I never heard of him.
God: You're not supposed to meet him for two more years.
Cindy: But I'll be married to Billy Jack then.
God: No you won't.
Cindy: The wedding is in July.
God: And the divorce will be in April.
God: There are clues you know. Remember the time he swerved across the road to run over that squirrel? Or the time he busted a mirror in your parents' living room because the Yankees lost the World Series? Or the time he "borrowed" your debit card for the weekend?
Cindy: Debit card?
God: Oh that's right, you don't balance your checkbook.
Cindy: Momma always said you wouldn't give me anything I can't handle.
God: I'm not giving you Billy Jack! You chose him!
Cindy: I can change him.
God: Okay, look at the big computerized board on the wall behind me. Do you see all the names running across it, some pointing to others while other names get deleted? Those are the lives you are affecting by marrying Billy Jack and not waiting for Earnest.
Cindy: Hmmph, well if that's the way you want it, why don't you send this Earnest fellow my way.
God: Can't. He's in prison.
Cindy: What? And you're ripping on Billy Jack who's never done an illegal thing in his life?
God: (raises his eyebrows)
Cindy: Billy Jack is a good man and I can't wait two years for some stranger. I've got a promise ring and have been sex free since my high school sex abstinence class. It's time for me to get on with my life if you know what I mean.
God: (pushes a handful of small packages toward Cindy) Sure, have a ball.
Cindy: Condoms? You want me to have sex outside of marriage?
God: New strategic initiative. We're moving away from the abstinence thing. Turns out too many young people are getting married just to have sex. I'm working on the big picture, thinning out the herd.
Cindy: I don't understand.
God: Eventually Billy Jack will meet his ultimate mate as well.
Cindy: He has. Me!
God: (rolling his eyes) Anyway, he meets her at a strip club, they move to a mobile home in Oklahoma and get killed in a tornado.
Cindy: That's awful!
God: But they had a good time and luckily never reproduced. Thinning out the herd.
Cindy: So if I marry Billy Jack, I'll die in a tornado?
God: Good heavens, no. You'll get divorced, meet Earnest, have three kids and live to be a great grandmother.
Cindy: (after a long sigh) I can't think two years from now. I'm still going to marry Billy Jack and work hard to keep him.
God: I know you will.
(Cindy Lou gets up to leave. God stops her and hands her the stack of condoms.)
Cindy: I don't need these.
God: They're not for you. They're to keep Billy Jack from reproducing. Thinning out the herd, remember?