Monday, July 12, 2010

For Sale: Me!

St. Pauli Girl likes to participate in an online community forum related to one of her hobbies. Let’s call it “Stratego Fans.” Recently in that forum, a woman published a thread in which she stated that her husband has been unemployed for six weeks, and they are now stressing out about the future. A few posters then offered to donate money. Then someone suggested adding a Paypal button to her thread to make it easier for people to donate. Then she complained that it was taking too long to get the money from Paypal.

How awful! I hate when strangers give me money, and I have difficulty cashing their checks. Six weeks of unemployment? Even in the best of times, that still leaves 20 more weeks of unemployment benefits. I’m sure I sound like a mean Silas Marner ogre but that’s not the case at all. I’m jealous. Strangers are giving out free money on the internet? I want my fair share!

Technology has come a long way. In the old days, you had to cut up a piece of cardboard, make a sad sign, hike out to an exit ramp by the interstate and then bake/shiver in the hot/cold weather as passersby dropped quarters in your can. Apparently now you can just put up a Paypal link on a website, clip your toenails in your cool/warm house and wait for the money to roll in. Plus you can save your best cardboard box for when you might need it for shelter.

I’ve been attending an annual golf trip for the past 25 years. Unfortunately, due to tough economic times, I will not be able to attend this year. At least that’s what I thought. But now through the beauty of technology and your generosity, I am selling sponsorships to finance this golf trip. You can choose from several sponsorship packages outlined below. Remember, no amount is too small!

The Wooden Tee Sponsorship Package
($1 to $99)

To thank my valued sponsors, I will play all six rounds of golf with no tees! Each sponsor will receive a golf tee, photo and signed certificate from me stating that the enclosed golf tee is the actual tee I would have used on a specific golf hole. Don’t worry; my golf swing is so good I don’t need to tee it up! (Note: you must also enclose postage and handling to receive the photo, certificate and tee.)

The Tom Kite Special
($100 to $499)

Send me a hat, and I will wear it for a certain number of holes:
$100 – 6 holes
$200 – 12 holes
$300 – 18 holes
$400 – All day (36 holes plus lunch and dinner)
$499 – All day, plus I’ll sleep in it!

Up to three days and nights available! Documented photo evidence will be provided to you that I wore the hat. What a great opportunity to advertise your business, yourself or just plain make me look silly.

The John Daly Package
($500 to $999)

In addition to the Wooden Tee and Tom Kite benefits, you can hang out with me, the other players and have beer and dinner with us at Hooters every night. Plus, dinner is on me! I promise to get rip-roaring drunk, lose my pants at some point and then get into a fistfight with anyone of your choosing. Then we’ll go back to the Winnebago and trash the place!

The Jimmy Johnson Sponsorship
($1000 to $4999)

I’m selling logo space on my shirts, pants, socks and shoes:
1 Sock: $1000
1 Sleeve: $1500 (or get 2 sleeves for $2500!)
Shirt back: $4000
Shirt Chest: $3000
Shirt Torso: $4999 (can also be divided into halves, quarters and/or eighths for cheaper prices. There’s a lot of space there.)

(For $6000, I will play with no shirt. No refunds if I get kicked off the course or accidentally shot by big game hunters.)

The Bob Seger “Like a Rock” Sponsorship Package

In addition to getting your logo on my golf bag, I promise to mention your name or business at every opportunity during the weekend. I guarantee to mention it at least once on every hole, in every pro shop, to every beverage cart girl, to every bag drop attendant, to every police officer, to every waiter/bartender/waitress, and at least 25 times every night when everyone is sitting around smoking cigars and drinking beer. That’s over 300 references in a four-day period! Try and get that kind of deal from a tv or radio station!

The Solid Gold Dancer Platinum Elite BlackCard Wizard Package

You will get everything in the above packages plus:
 Tournament sponsorship (well, as far as you know. I’ll have to work that around the tournament’s board of directors, namely the sole director.)

 Trophy Presentation. During the prestigious presentation of the Green Jacket and Myrtle Master’s Hat, your/company’s name/logo will be displayed in the background. You will then be offered a minute to say a few words about yourself/company and then shake the champion’s hand. I will also throw in a free cocktail.

 Admission to every clubhouse and the players’ locker room plus a nightly cocktail party on the balcony of the players’ condo. 15% discount on all tournament apparel.

 Walk inside the ropes with the players.

 I will approach up to 25 strangers at every airport along my journey and tell them what a good person/company you are. I will give them your phone number and you can even pick the relative attractiveness of who gets your phone number (scale of 1 to 10)

 I will write letters of recommendation for you, your spouse, kids and/or distant relatives to whomever they wish.

 I will remember you in my nightly prayers.

 A wax statue of you will be commissioned to be permanently displayed in the Pine Lakes Clubhouse.

 I will personally lobby the ownership of every golf course we play to rename their course in your honor. (I’m estimating a 50% success rate)

 You can have my 1997 Saturn SL1 Sedan. It’s green.

Please donate now. Only three weeks left! Operators are standing by!

(sorry, photo removed due to web crawlers spreading it around the internet)

A previous green jacket ceremony. (photo courtesy of Tony Tomanek Productions)

(Imagine your logo in the background and your opportunity to shake hands with the champion!)


  1. The "Director" applauds all attempts to generate funds to allow participation in the Golf Trip. However, the "Director" (who has access to more lawyers than Dexter has Locusts) hereby reserves all rights to the use of any images, accounts and/or descriptions of the Golf Trip or any references thereto for commercial purposes without the express written consent of the "Director". Remember, what happens on the Golf Trip, stays at the Golf Trip (especially any reporting of the Director's actual golf scores to the USGA for handicapping purposes or otherwise).

  2. The Director has spoken. And it is good.