Cash for Bonfires

I figured by now Pastor Terry Jones had returned to his day job as the star of The Buffalo Bill Cody Wild West Show. But no, it turns out he’s driving a brand new Hyundai as a reward for canceling his Quran burning . Yes, it’s true: a New Jersey car dealer promised the good reverend a new car if he didn’t burn the Quran.

In a nutshell: he’s getting paid for not burning the Quran..

Sign me up! I think he just single-handedly solved all property crime as well as kidnappings and extortion in the United States. Why rob a bank when you can just hold ideas hostage? And it’s mostly legal!

So I’m preparing a list of things I will not do. Car dealers, bankers, realtors, furniture salespeople, chefs, country clubs--please send me your best offer to prevent me from doing these dastardly deeds.

1. I will not commit murder. Not even attempted murder. (Okay, so I’m not setting the bar very high but you haven’t met some of my previous co-workers. Surely this is worth a hard piece of chewing gum from an old pack of baseball cards?)

2. I will not burn the Quran, the Bible, the Torah, and the Kama Sutra. (I’ve got an itchy finger on my lighter; I’m warning you. Send me a car with rich Corinthian leather seats. Send me a motorcycle, and I’ll only burn two out of four.)

3. I will not burn the Ten Commandments. (If someone can come up with a Hyundai for not burning the Quran in America, surely I can get a fleet of Bentleys out of this?)

4. I will not burn St. Pauli Girl’s Lionel Richie CD collection. This will require my utmost willpower. This deserves a house. No wait-- a villa. In the south of France.

5. I will not burn “Titanic,” “The Blind Side,” the entire Star Wars and Star Trek movie collection, “Avatar” and every musical that doesn’t involve Planet of the Apes. Netflix, please don’t send these movies to my house. They’ll just go up in smoke unless maybe someone gives me a state of the art home theater with rocking movie theater chairs and used gum on the floor. And a popcorn machine.

6. I will not burn Texas textbooks that contain references to Muslims, capitalism and condoms. I’m putting it on the line here; I could go to prison in the Republic for this. (It turns out the largest pickup truck in the world is owned by someone in the United Arab Emirates This isn’t right. Send me a bigger truck so we can right 2 wrongs.)

7. I will not burn DVDs of NFL games without the expressed written consent of the National Football League. All I ask is free tickets to all games, plus college games too. And my own marching band.

8. I will not burn “Dianetics” by L. Ron Hubbard. Any takers? Anyone?

9. I will not burn calories, birthday candles, rubber, bridges, leaves, the candle at both ends. I promise not to burn any of it for the low, low price of mansions, fast cars, yachts, cash and assorted door prizes. In short, luxury. I can be the least offensive person in the world for the right price.