(Note: On 11/2/2010 the state of Oklahoma banned the use of Sharia Law in Oklahoma courts because we can only assume it was a big problem in the state whereas other states including Mississippi and Texas follow their state laws and state constitutions.)
Bailiff: Hear y’all, hear y’all. The 15th State Court of Oklahoma is now in session, the honorable Jim Ed Don Paul presiding.
Judge: Please be seated. Let’s see what we got here. The State of Oklahoma versus Hakeem Achmed. [Glances down at defendant dressed in a long robe and cloth headdress.] Well, Haji, says here you got the sticky fingers.
Hakeem: My name is Hakeem.
Judge: And you will address me as Your Honor.
Hakeem: It would be my honor, Your Honor.
Prosecutor: On the night of October 15, Mr. Achmed stole a music box from Garth Billy Ray.
Garth [standing and yelling from the middle of the courtroom]: It’s not a music box! It’s a four-hundred-and-fifty dollar I-pod!
Judge: And you are?
Garth: The victim. Not only did he steal it, but when I got it back, he had replaced my Toby Keith playlist with some recording of dead goats wailing.
Prosecutor: It’s true, your honor. Four police officers needed psychological counseling after listening to the music box for evidence.
Judge: These are very serious charges, Hakeem. How do you plead?
Hakeem: I cannot lie. I did it.
Judge: Let the records show that Mr. Achmed pleads guilty.
Hakeem [bowing his head while slowly placing his left arm on the table in front of him]: I wish to restore honor to my name.
Judge: What are you doing?
Hakeem: I give you my left hand.
Prosecutor: Your honor, he would like us to cut off his hand. This is standard practice under Sharia law.
Judge: Is that right? Well I’ll be! Sorry, but you are out of luck, Haji. The good people of this state have outlawed Sharia law in our courts. We’re sick and tired of you people coming in here in your bath robes with your harems and genies and AK-47’s. Actually, you know what? The guns are okay. But we don’t smoke ‘em no hookah pipe in this state, you got that?
Hakeem: No, it is okay, really. Please, take my hand.
Garth: You heard the man! Anybody got a knife?
Judge: Sit down! One more word out of you and I’ll hold you in contempt! That outburst could be construed as promotin’ Sharia law in a state courthouse. Now Haji, as I was saying, we’re not killin’ all y’all in Iraq just so you can come in here and make a mockery of our courts. Bob Ed, what are y’all looking at for punishment?
Prosecutor: He has no priors and as far as we can tell, other than this case, he seems to be a model citizen.
Judge: A U.S. citizen or a Sharia citizen?
Prosecutor: Good one, Jim Ed! Anyway, the state would be satisfied with one year’s probation.
Judge: Done and done. [Pounds gavel.]
Hakeem: What is this “probation?”
Prosecutor: You’ll have to meet with a probation officer every week, we’ll drug test you, check you for alcohol, and you’re not allowed in bars.
Hakeem: And you will take the hand?
Prosecutor: No, but if you mess up, we’ll put you in jail.
Hakeem [slamming his arm on the table]: Please, take the hand! For my honor.
Judge: If you spout anymore Sharia nonsense, I’ll have you gagged.
Garth: One year’s probation? Can you at least waterboard him for good measure?
Prosecutor: Well, you know judge, waterboarding really isn’t Sharia law…
Judge: He’s already confessed and pleaded guilty. We are a state of law and order. The people have spoken. There will be no Sharia law in Oklahoma. We’re sick and tired of it. Haji, you can put your arm down.
[Hakeem holds his arms out in front of him and approaches the Bailiff.]
Garth [yelling]: Watch out! I bet he’s booby-trapped!
Hakeem: Cuff me?
Judge: No need for that.
Hakeem [still approaching the bailiff]: We can go back to jail, please?
Judge [snickering]: No Haji, you’re free to go.
Hakeem: I do not understand. You don’t take my hand, you don’t cuff me, and I do not go back to jail?
Prosecutor: Just make sure you get to your probation officer next week. And no opium either.
Garth: This is outrageous! I thought we were a tough on crime state!
Hakeem: Ironic, no?