Friday, May 13, 2011

Do Politicians Need More Bandwidth?

First I’d like to apologize to any follower who got spammed by a Google bot recently. I’m not sure how/why it happened, but I am investigating furiously so that it does not happen again. Evil must not be tolerated!

The U.S. government recently announced a new cell phone alert system in which people could get critical alerts from government officials, including the President. I’m not so sure this will work the way they intended.

Let’s imagine possible text message alerts about a tornado forming in Austin and how a Mr. R. Perry of Austin might react:

Obama: Attention Texans, this is your President speaking. Tornadoes are forming across Texas. Seek shelter immediately!

R. Perry: (answering cell phone) Hello? Hello? Who is this? Is anyone there?

Obama: It’s a text message. Use your keyboard to text me back.

R. Perry: 118547770321889

Obama: No, not the number pad. Use the keyboard that slides out.

R. Perry: Weren’t you recently clubbed to death by a team of seals?

Obama: That was OSAMA! This is President Obama!

R. Perry: I believe weather and tornadoes are a local matter. We don’t need Washington telling us when to carry an umbrella.

Obama: An F-5 tornado is bearing down on Austin. Get to the cellar!

R. Perry: Maybe that’s a tornado for you Eastern elites but where I’m from in west Texas, that’s just a summer breeze.

Obama: You will die if you don’t seek shelter.

R. Perry: Ha! A Washington death panel. I knew it!

Obama: The tornado will kill you! Look out your window. Can’t you see the dark noon sky?

R. Perry: Looking east towards that Washington swamp, it’s always dark.

Obama: What’s it going to take to drive you to safety? What if I said there’s two gay illegal immigrants trying to get married on your front porch while trying to vote without a valid I.D.?

R. Perry: Yikes! I’m battening down the hatches. Gotta go. Oh wait! I forgot. How about you going ahead and getting the ball rolling on some federal disaster relief?

Obama: Bwahahahahahahahahaha! OMG! LMAO!

For a fair and balanced blog, let’s travel back in time and pretend we had this system during the George W. Bush presidency. Same setting, different players: a tornado heads toward Austin, and a Mr. Lemony Alfalfa receives the texts:

Dick Cheney: Texans, get yer ass in a shelter, pronto!

Lemony Alfalfa: Hey, what happened to W?

Cheney: Don’t know. He’s walking Barney or something. I’m in charge.

Alfalfa: After not finding weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, why should we believe a tornado is coming?

Cheney: That’s what Osama Bin Laden would like you to think. I’m pretty sure he conjured up this F-5 tornado.

Alfalfa: That’s possible. But wouldn’t he target New York or D.C.?

Cheney: Uh, the President’s ranch is in Texas. Duh.

Alfalfa: I’d like a second opinion.

Cheney: I’ll have Colin Powell text you. But you’ll probably be dead by then. Get to a shelter now!

Alfalfa: I’ll wait for the general’s text.

Cheney: What if I told you illegal immigrants were seen coming into your neighborhood?

Alfalfa: They’d probably improve the restaurant scene.

Cheney: These are Eskimo immigrants. I hope you like herring. And what if I said they had concealed handgun permits and they had grounded a ship leaking oil in the Amazon and now they were seeking work as union-busting goons?

Alfalfa: I haven’t finished building my shelter yet. I’m trying to make it green.

Cheney: Go #@*%$ yourself!

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