He then took us to the backyard where
to put it simply, some animal had turned a small area of the lawn
into its personal litter box. We were all puzzled as none of us
could think of an animal that would do something like that in the
same spot (well except for cats and litter boxes but that's only
because the cats force their human pets to clean up after them.)
But I immediately got excited because I
realized I now had to go to a town hall meeting of the “Finding Bigfoot” crew to report these findings. I decided I would
wait and let them bag the evidence themselves. I could already
imagine Matt or Bobo talking about this amazing find:
“We were skeptical of the story at
first but when you have hard or maybe squishy evidence like this, you
can't ignore it. I've never seen Bigfoot dung but I have no reason
to believe this wasn't Bigfoot dung. So as an experiment, we had
Bobo take a dump and then compared it with the Bigfoot dung. They
weren't close at all. That's when I knew we had some credible
Bigfoot evidence.”
My mind came back to reality as we all
discussed possibilities. Since all of the droppings were beneath
trees, I reasoned that it had to be a bird like a hawk or owl.
Everyone seemed skeptical until I told the story of my golfing
experience a few years ago when I saw a Mississippi kite getting
terrorized by two smaller birds and well, those birds literally
scared the crap out of that kite. And I'm glad I wasn't standing any
closer as the pile would have been large enough for rave laughs in an
Adam Sandler movie.
Luckily in this modern day and age, we
can answer any question via the internet. I queried “owl
droppings” which revealed a whole page of pictures which really
didn't seem to match what we had seen. Next I searched for “hawk
droppings” which brought up more pictures plus the heartwarming
story of a hawk dropping a miracle puppy from the sky. At this
point, I became convinced the droppings had not come from a bird. So
I entered my next query, “lot of poop in a small area” which
brought up a page full of results. After a quick glance, I changed
the query to “lot of animal
poop in a small area.” Lo and behold, I found an animal forum where someone had the exact same situation in his yard.
I quickly went
through the answers, sorting out the the far fetched (“bears or
otters”) from the smart ass (“I consider myself wild”) to the
most likely (“Sasquatch”). I had Bobo on speed dial when I
realized the consensus of the answers was racoons. Apparently this
is how raccoons roll and raccoon latrines are very common as well as
a serious health hazard. I just wish I had found all of this info
before we left the vacation house. Instead I get to spend the next
few weeks imagining a party of raccoons talking in Adam Sandler and
Rob Schneider voices, “Hey, watch this!”
Meanwhile, every
time I do a new internet query, I get pestered with ads like “still
looking for poop?” or “click here for more poop pictures” or
“history of the poop deck webpage.”
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