Saturday, September 28, 2013

Texan at Last

A few weeks ago as St. Pauli Girl was driving us somewhere, something finally dawned on me:

“I just realized that I've now lived in Texas longer than any other state,” I marveled.

St. Pauli Girl slammed on the brakes (luckily we were at a traffic light).  “Oh my God!  You're a Texan!”

In most states and maybe even some countries, fifteen years residence would earn at least honorary citizenship.  Not so in Texas.  Later that night, St. Pauli Girl came out for happy hour armed with a clipboard and a copy of the Texas Constitution encased in glass.

“I've been authorized by the county Constable and a guy who claims he knew someone related to Sam Houston to give you the official Texan Citizenship Exam,” she said.  “Now put your left hand on the Constitution and raise your right hand:  Do you hereby swear on this here holy piece of paper and to the Republic for which all else are jealous and on every concealed handgun in the room that you will do your  God's honest best to answer some hard falutin' questions about the motherland so help you God and Willie Nelson and Rick Perry?”

“I do,” I said then held out my hand.  “Do you need to draw blood?”

“Not yet.  Let's begin, shall we?  First, tell me something about barbecue.”

“The only real barbeque is beef ribs and brisket.  Pulled-pork is okay as a minor offering, but serving a vinegar-based sauce is a felony.”  I sat back with a smile knowing this would be a breeze.

“Good,” she said with a smile.  “In at least 10,000 words, tell me how great Texas is.”

“10,000 words?”

“Hold on a second.  No, that's just for native-born Texans.  There is no word-count minimum for foreigners.”

“Okay, let's see,  Texas is really big.  And great.”

There was a moment of silence.

“Can you expand on that?”

I thought for a minute then remembered the song by the Austin Lounge Lizards
“Our guitars are the twangiest, our guns are the ka-blangiest
Our cattle the long-horniest, our yodels the forlorniest
Our cookoffs are the chiliest, our Waylon is the Williest
Our sausage is the smokiest, our neighbors are the Okiest.”
St. Pauli Girl grimaced.  “That question may come back to haunt you.  Okay, now use 'y’all' in a sentence.”
I frowned.  Having grown up primarily in Tennessee, I had managed to banish that awful contraction from my vocabulary.  “Okay, let's see... I was feeling very sleepy and then I y’allned.”
“Not acceptable.  Repeat after me:  dinner is ready, y’all.”
I started to sweat.  “Dinner is ready...... folks.”  I tried but I couldn't do it.  “No wait: vittles is ready, folks.”
St. Pauli Girl shook her head and made notes on the clipboard.  “Who was the leading rusher on the 1973 University of Texas Longhorns football team?”
I wanted to say Earl Campbell but I thought it might be a trick question and didn't want to press my luck so I just gave her the hook'em horns sign.
“The correct answer is Roosevelt Leaks, but we will accept the hook'em sign.”
I wiped my brow.  This is really getting hard, I thought.
“Next: if we're in the grocery store and I ask you what kind of coke you want, what is your response?”
“That's easy, classic Coke.  They don't even make new Coke anymore.”
St. Pauli Girl dropped her head into her hands.  “The best response would be Dr Pepper.”
I shut my mouth.  I knew the situation was too tense to argue Coke versus pop or even soda.
“Look. You're really borderline here,” she said with a sigh.  “Lucky for you that your fifteen years of residence goes a long way with Willie and Rick, so it all comes down to this last question.”
“I'm ready,” I said as I leaned forward.
“Do you accept Ted Cruz as your personal and Texan senator?”

I guess I will never truly be a Texan.

And as a final insult, apparently I can't even write like a Texan:
Editor’s note: The correct punctuation of the contraction is  y’all, not ya’ll, and Dr Pepper, a Texas-born elixir, has no period.


  1. Hilarious! And true Texans drink, not just Dr Pepper, but Dublin Dr Pepper. I know this from a blogger lady who lives in West, Texas. No, wait -- Yellowdog Granny would hate to be called a lady!

    1. True, but alas Dublin Dr Pepper is no more as they discontinued making it back in 2012. But apparently a lot of people have stockpiled it in their basements over the years for just such an emergency. Thanks for the comment!

  2. This is hilarious! Thanks for filling this left-wing, Vancouver island living, hippie environmentalist a look at what it is like to live in Texas!

    1. Thanks for the comment! Enjoy your free health care!

  3. Oh! Dear! This ain’t your first rodeo, but you've a ways to go yet, it would seem, Dexter. If yer fixin' to keep up with St. Pauli Girl that's a whole nuther thang; but be warned, yer'll soon be tuckered out!

    Fair dinkum...Y'all up thar in Texizz have as much slang as us Aussies do here down under. We throw a few snags on the barbie as's not a barbie without a few snags! Bloody oath! I hope we never lose the dinky-di Ocker.

    Great, fun post, Dexter. I love it! :)

    1. Thanks for the comment. Sounds like you could convert to speaking Texan pretty easily. I need to start using "Bloody oath" in regular conversation.

  4. I've lived in Oregon longer than anywhere else (12 years) and my boss, who grew up here, says I am a newcomer.

    He also says watching salmon spawn "is a big deal if you're from the Northwest." Riiiiiiiiight.

    1. For a second there, I thought you wrote "whacking salmon" which is probably what we would do in Texas. Thanks for the comment and I look forward to your future blog about watching salmon spawn.

    2. My apologies, you already blogged about salmon spawning!

  5. Now that you have declared youself a Texan, the feed to your blog seems to not be coming to Kansas in an efficient manner. I will try to see if I can figure out what is wrong. God forbid that I would miss any of your posts.

    I am somewhat embarrassed for you, Dexter. I am an ex-Texan and I beat you on the test. (I must admit that St. Pauli Girl is brilliant in her testing methods though. BRILLIANT!!!)

    But frankly, I would of just given you a A++++ for the song lyrics and confirmed that you are a Texan on the merit of knowing the words to that song.

    Surely you can still be a Texan despite your not wanting to embrace Cruz. As big as your state is, there just has to be a couple of people that you aren't fond of.

    Now y'all just go have a Dr Pepper and ponder what BBQ place to have your vittles at today.

    1. Congratulations on passing the test! And St. Pauli Girl appreciates your brilliant description of her. Did see a good joke today, the reason Texans love y'all so much is because it leaves out the two worst letters: OU! Thanks for the comment.