St. Pauli Girl just completed a short, miserable stint teaching English for a certain online college we’ll call The University of Griffins. With a Ph.D. and several years of college teaching experience, she had the audacity to bring this experience into this new job and expected students to have to work like college students and write papers as well as a college student (or at least as well as a 9th grader). It turns out that her teaching philosophy clashed with the school’s motto: We accept Visa, Mastercard, Discover and especially Guaranteed Student Loans.
A lesser person might be bitter and angry, but I see opportunity. Having learned how a great online campus is run, I’ve decided to open my own university: University of Flagstaff (we’ll only raise the flag half-staff if you don’t graduate). My university motto will be: We accept Visa, Mastercard, Discover, student loans, drachmas, gold doubloons, cases of whiskey and the renminbi or yuan.
U of F is a win-win situation for both the students and myself (Dean, President and Director of Financial Aid) because I reap the rewards of Guaranteed Student Loans while the student will enjoy a grading curve that makes Dead Man’s Curve look like a runway at Edwards Air Force Base. One of the great things I learned from the University of Griffins, is that it’s all about word count. When assigned a paper, teachers usually demand a minimum word count to extract a certain amount of torture from the student. Usually, failure to achieve the word count results in failure for the paper. But not at U of F (or U of G for that matter)! You get credit for the percentage of words you write! Just by putting your name on a paper, you avoid getting a grade of zero.
Let’s look at another example. An Introduction to Quantum Mechanics class includes an assignment of a 500-word paper on Newton’s 3 Laws. Whew! That would make me want to drop that class. But there’s a better solution at U of F. Here’s my paper:
Newton’s 3 Laws
By
Dexter Klemperer
The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog. The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog. The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog….
Now imagine that sentence being repeated until I’ve run up a word count of 375. Most high school teachers would probably give you an “F”. But at U of F, 375 words out of 500 is 75% which means “C”. Just think if I take a couple more minutes of copying and pasting to bring the word count up to 500: “A+”! Why does this paper merit that kind of grade? Because you get partial credit for word count, the grammar is perfect, and since content is subjective, we just grade on the objective parts. (Plus you’d get bonus points for using every single letter in the alphabet.)
You can use the same paper for every class (just make sure you cite yourself or your 1st grade phonics book in the bibliography to avoid plagiarism charges.) But you can also easily change it up for different classes, foxes can be grey, white, golden and dogs can be sleeping, growling or diffident. Get an online Ph.D. in no time!
U of F will offer many employment opportunities with jobs paying as much as $4 per hour. If you know how to access the “Tools”, “Word Count” menu, our employment recruiters want to talk to you (must be at least 12 years old to apply for a professor position). As an instructor, you will be put through a rigorous training program which will totally waste your time, but that’s okay because we won’t pay you for it. In the final phase, you will be paired with a sorcerer (kind of like a mentor but cooler and more magical) to help you navigate your first course. For instance, if you teach English, we might assign a Professor of Upholstery to be your sorcerer. Not only will your students master English, but you can probably get one to fix your couch as well.
Students will enjoy the more informal atmosphere of our online campus. Instead of instructors and professors, our faculty will be referred to as your BFF. But that’s not all, we require your BFF to provide his/her home telephone number so you can call with questions at any time. Don’t like the grade on your last test? There’s nothing illegal or against school policy about 3 a.m. phone calls.
But my university isn’t just about making lots of money like the others. For many years, test scores show that American students have trailed other countries especially in science and math. Educators and politicians have struggled for ways to improve American education. But they’re looking at it from the wrong end. Since the U of F accepts the renminbi or yuan as well as other Asian currencies, we encourage as many foreign students as possible to enroll. We’ll dumb them down to the American level.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Let Your Fingers Do the Taking
Today’s blog begins with a quick quiz:
Upon starting a new small business:
A. Your mood swings will go from optimism to depression to joy to sheer terror on an hourly basis
B. You will get great satisfaction out of being self-employed and providing valuable goods/services to the community
C. You will become rich
D. You will become destitute
E. Both C & D within a few months time
F. Knowing that you have financing by either investors or a bank, people will try to get that money as quickly as possible from you—sometimes legally, sometimes dubiously, and many times through chicanery
The correct answer is F (partial credit if you answered A or E). I have many stories to tell but this one just came up again so now I will provide this knowledge to others. This scam has less to do with knowing that you have money and more to do with hoping you won’t notice that they are stealing your money.
Let’s say you and I went to grade school together. Sometime during 4th grade, you borrowed $5 from me. I asked to be paid back several times until you finally said, “You want your five dollars? Here’s five for you!” You pull your fingers into a fist and punch me in the face.
Now let’s say for some reason, 44-year-old me just remembered this morning that you owed me that money. Somehow I get my hands on your telephone number. But instead of calling you, I call your phone company and tell them to bill you and to please send it to me.
Amazingly, the phone company says, “Sure.”
So you’re thinking, “Big deal. You got your $5 back.” However, you and I both know that we didn’t go to school together and that you really don’t owe me anything (although donations are always welcome). And to make it more fun, the $5 charge ends up on your bill by coincidence only because I’m going through a phone book, picking out numbers and telling the phone company that these phone numbers owe me money. And the phone company—because they can’t afford to hire humans—has a computer voice respond, “You betcha.”
Let’s assume I managed to bill 10,000 phone numbers $5 a month which comes to $50,000 a month. How many people will actually notice this charge on their 5-page phone bill? For fun, let’s assume that 50% (probably way too high) of the people complain and get it taken off their bill. I still get $25,000 a month! See you in Aruba! (Hmmm, wait maybe I should be making an infomercial…)
Of course, I would be too easy to track down this way. So let’s say there’s a company out there that we’ll call just for fun, JME Services, that specializes in what they call third party billing. Now I simply tell JME that you owe me money for what I call Special Directory Services, and they contact the phone company to have it added to your bill.
Your phone bill now lists a charge for Special Directory Services from JME Services but only provides a number for the phone company. You call the phone company which tells you there’s nothing they can do because JME told them to do it, but they give you JME’s phone number. JME will tell you there’s nothing they can do because I told them to do it, and they give you my phone number. Depending on how crooked I am, I may try to convince you that you really did order my services but more likely I’ll apologize and remove you from future billing because I’m already making a killing in this business. But the best part is that with three companies involved, they can all blame someone else! Plus I think you’d really enjoy my Special Directory Services if you knew what they were.
Every month I get charged $30 to $50 on my bill from some third party. Every month I call the phone company who then tells me to call JME who then tells me to call this mysterious third party who never answers. Eventually JME puts a stop on the billing and the phone company drops the charge from my bill. However, the phone company cannot put a stop on third party billing because the government requires them to allow it. Fantastic! Another example of the government working hard for the people.
The charges will stop for a few months then a new mysterious company will pop up with its hand in my back pocket. And so I go through the whole painful process again. The scammers have figured out for the bargain price of $35 a month, you’ll eventually tire of dealing with all these companies and just keep paying them.
As good as it feels to get that off my chest and take satisfaction in alerting others to read your phone bill with a magnifying glass, I realized I probably also inspired 6000 people to set up their own billing companies. Why not? It’s easy; just call the phone company where the answer is always, “You betcha!”
Upon starting a new small business:
A. Your mood swings will go from optimism to depression to joy to sheer terror on an hourly basis
B. You will get great satisfaction out of being self-employed and providing valuable goods/services to the community
C. You will become rich
D. You will become destitute
E. Both C & D within a few months time
F. Knowing that you have financing by either investors or a bank, people will try to get that money as quickly as possible from you—sometimes legally, sometimes dubiously, and many times through chicanery
The correct answer is F (partial credit if you answered A or E). I have many stories to tell but this one just came up again so now I will provide this knowledge to others. This scam has less to do with knowing that you have money and more to do with hoping you won’t notice that they are stealing your money.
Let’s say you and I went to grade school together. Sometime during 4th grade, you borrowed $5 from me. I asked to be paid back several times until you finally said, “You want your five dollars? Here’s five for you!” You pull your fingers into a fist and punch me in the face.
Now let’s say for some reason, 44-year-old me just remembered this morning that you owed me that money. Somehow I get my hands on your telephone number. But instead of calling you, I call your phone company and tell them to bill you and to please send it to me.
Amazingly, the phone company says, “Sure.”
So you’re thinking, “Big deal. You got your $5 back.” However, you and I both know that we didn’t go to school together and that you really don’t owe me anything (although donations are always welcome). And to make it more fun, the $5 charge ends up on your bill by coincidence only because I’m going through a phone book, picking out numbers and telling the phone company that these phone numbers owe me money. And the phone company—because they can’t afford to hire humans—has a computer voice respond, “You betcha.”
Let’s assume I managed to bill 10,000 phone numbers $5 a month which comes to $50,000 a month. How many people will actually notice this charge on their 5-page phone bill? For fun, let’s assume that 50% (probably way too high) of the people complain and get it taken off their bill. I still get $25,000 a month! See you in Aruba! (Hmmm, wait maybe I should be making an infomercial…)
Of course, I would be too easy to track down this way. So let’s say there’s a company out there that we’ll call just for fun, JME Services, that specializes in what they call third party billing. Now I simply tell JME that you owe me money for what I call Special Directory Services, and they contact the phone company to have it added to your bill.
Your phone bill now lists a charge for Special Directory Services from JME Services but only provides a number for the phone company. You call the phone company which tells you there’s nothing they can do because JME told them to do it, but they give you JME’s phone number. JME will tell you there’s nothing they can do because I told them to do it, and they give you my phone number. Depending on how crooked I am, I may try to convince you that you really did order my services but more likely I’ll apologize and remove you from future billing because I’m already making a killing in this business. But the best part is that with three companies involved, they can all blame someone else! Plus I think you’d really enjoy my Special Directory Services if you knew what they were.
Every month I get charged $30 to $50 on my bill from some third party. Every month I call the phone company who then tells me to call JME who then tells me to call this mysterious third party who never answers. Eventually JME puts a stop on the billing and the phone company drops the charge from my bill. However, the phone company cannot put a stop on third party billing because the government requires them to allow it. Fantastic! Another example of the government working hard for the people.
The charges will stop for a few months then a new mysterious company will pop up with its hand in my back pocket. And so I go through the whole painful process again. The scammers have figured out for the bargain price of $35 a month, you’ll eventually tire of dealing with all these companies and just keep paying them.
As good as it feels to get that off my chest and take satisfaction in alerting others to read your phone bill with a magnifying glass, I realized I probably also inspired 6000 people to set up their own billing companies. Why not? It’s easy; just call the phone company where the answer is always, “You betcha!”
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Your Money's No Good Here
Several years ago, St. Pauli Girl and I chose our bank based on its thousands of world-wide locations since we considered ourselves sophisticated frequent travelers. And St. Pauli Girl happened to have an account there already. Moving half-way across the Great Republic wouldn’t be a problem except we chose the one town that didn’t have a branch for our bank. This is not a big deal anymore with direct deposits and online banking. In fact, I overdrew our account while I typed this.
But rare occasions call for us to make the twenty-mile drive to the bank. Turns out I had to get a cashier’s check to pay a certain sheriff of a certain parish in Louisiana. That parish had a nice welcome center consisting of two police cars parked on the interstate in an area where you had about thirty feet to slow down from 70 to 55. Downhill. Some people would call this a speed trap, but I prefer to think of it more like a telethon. I’m happy to pledge some money so this parish can make its budget.
So I took my pledge card (plus a check from another bank to cover the funds) to the bank where I actually got to deal with a real live teller:
Me: I need to deposit this check.
Teller: Certainly. (her fingers fly across her keyboard then she hands me a receipt). There you go.
Me: Great. Now I need to get a cashier’s check.
Teller: From the same account?
Me: Yes. Assuming that I have access to the check I just deposited.
Teller: No, you don’t. You’ll have to wait until tomorrow morning.
Me: (Sigh)
Teller: But if you’d like, I can cash that check, deposit the cash and then you can get a cashier’s check.
Me: Great. Anything to save me another trip. (I hand back the receipt and as she works on the keyboard again, the wheels in my mind begin to turn.) How come I don’t have access to that deposit right now?
Teller: Standard policy. Funds aren’t available until the next day.
Me: But you cashed the check.
Teller: You’re a loyal customer. We can do that for you.
Me: How is your ability to cash the check different than my having access to a deposit?
Teller: Because you deposited cash. You always have immediate access to deposited cash because cash is cash.
Me: But it worked the same way. I gave you a check, and you gave me access.
Teller: No, I cashed the check. I just didn’t show you the money. If it would make you feel better, I can give you the money, you can fill out a deposit slip, deposit the cash and then we can do the cashier’s check.
Me: No, by cashing this check, you are telling me this check is good right now. But if I just deposit it, someone somewhere will decide sometime tonight the check is good.
Teller: Yes, the computer.
Me: But you’re typing into a computer right now.
Teller: I’m entering the transaction. The computer will update your account tonight.
Me: So if I deposit a check for a million dollars, I can’t access it until tomorrow but you’d cash it for me today?
Teller: Let’s not get ridiculous.
Me: Well, what’s the threshold? $500? $1000? This could be important someday.
Teller: Do you want a cashier’s check or not?
Me: If I deposited the check instead of what you call cashing it, would you still give me the cashier’s check even though I don’t have enough money in my account?
Teller: Of course.
Me: But then I’d be overdrawn.
Teller: And the computer would charge you for it.
Me: Now I understand!
Teller: Okay, the fee for a cashier’s check is $7.
Me: Yeah, take it out of the account.
Teller: Do you need a cashier’s check? I can get you a money order for $4.
Me: What? Aren’t they the same thing?
Teller: No.
Me: Sure they are. When Sheriff Leroux gets either one, he knows it’s as good as cash. The difference is that a cashier’s check comes from a bank while a money order comes from a convenience store.
Teller: We sell money orders as well.
Me: What’s the difference?
Teller: $7 versus $4.
Later at another bank, I close down a business savings account:
Teller: May I ask why you are closing this account?
Me: Because of a monthly service charge of $5 and a 0.000001 interest rate. I’m better off keeping it under the mattress.
Teller: You only have $13 in the account. The $5 is a government regulation when you have less than $100 in the account.
Me: I see, but I also get charged for transfers from checking to savings and back again.
Teller: That’s also a government regulation if you do more than 6 in a month.
Me: Well that’s a drag because the account was a good place to store my sales tax so I wouldn’t spend it before I had to send it in to the state. At least I can blame it on Obama. So these fees go to the government?
Teller: No.
Me: I see. But it was the government’s idea?
Teller: Yes, exactly!
Me: And the banks fought it pretty hard because they value their customers?
Teller: Sir, it costs money to keep an account open.
Me: Really? I do online banking, get paperless statements, and you don’t pay any interest. I assume the bank president keeps it under his mattress.
Teller: You’re supposed to keep money in savings. Not move it back and forth. That’s why it’s called savings. The government wants to ensure that enough money stays in the bank.
Me: So if the government makes you do this, can’t you slip a little refund to your customers?
Teller: That would violate the spirit of the law. We can’t do that. We must do what the government tells us.
Me: So you don’t want to do it, but you’ll accept the fees anyway?
Teller: Yes.
A lot of people were against the recently passed financial legislation law because they were worried that banks would have to think of more creative ways to make money. Good news! I think they’re up to the challenge.
But rare occasions call for us to make the twenty-mile drive to the bank. Turns out I had to get a cashier’s check to pay a certain sheriff of a certain parish in Louisiana. That parish had a nice welcome center consisting of two police cars parked on the interstate in an area where you had about thirty feet to slow down from 70 to 55. Downhill. Some people would call this a speed trap, but I prefer to think of it more like a telethon. I’m happy to pledge some money so this parish can make its budget.
So I took my pledge card (plus a check from another bank to cover the funds) to the bank where I actually got to deal with a real live teller:
Me: I need to deposit this check.
Teller: Certainly. (her fingers fly across her keyboard then she hands me a receipt). There you go.
Me: Great. Now I need to get a cashier’s check.
Teller: From the same account?
Me: Yes. Assuming that I have access to the check I just deposited.
Teller: No, you don’t. You’ll have to wait until tomorrow morning.
Me: (Sigh)
Teller: But if you’d like, I can cash that check, deposit the cash and then you can get a cashier’s check.
Me: Great. Anything to save me another trip. (I hand back the receipt and as she works on the keyboard again, the wheels in my mind begin to turn.) How come I don’t have access to that deposit right now?
Teller: Standard policy. Funds aren’t available until the next day.
Me: But you cashed the check.
Teller: You’re a loyal customer. We can do that for you.
Me: How is your ability to cash the check different than my having access to a deposit?
Teller: Because you deposited cash. You always have immediate access to deposited cash because cash is cash.
Me: But it worked the same way. I gave you a check, and you gave me access.
Teller: No, I cashed the check. I just didn’t show you the money. If it would make you feel better, I can give you the money, you can fill out a deposit slip, deposit the cash and then we can do the cashier’s check.
Me: No, by cashing this check, you are telling me this check is good right now. But if I just deposit it, someone somewhere will decide sometime tonight the check is good.
Teller: Yes, the computer.
Me: But you’re typing into a computer right now.
Teller: I’m entering the transaction. The computer will update your account tonight.
Me: So if I deposit a check for a million dollars, I can’t access it until tomorrow but you’d cash it for me today?
Teller: Let’s not get ridiculous.
Me: Well, what’s the threshold? $500? $1000? This could be important someday.
Teller: Do you want a cashier’s check or not?
Me: If I deposited the check instead of what you call cashing it, would you still give me the cashier’s check even though I don’t have enough money in my account?
Teller: Of course.
Me: But then I’d be overdrawn.
Teller: And the computer would charge you for it.
Me: Now I understand!
Teller: Okay, the fee for a cashier’s check is $7.
Me: Yeah, take it out of the account.
Teller: Do you need a cashier’s check? I can get you a money order for $4.
Me: What? Aren’t they the same thing?
Teller: No.
Me: Sure they are. When Sheriff Leroux gets either one, he knows it’s as good as cash. The difference is that a cashier’s check comes from a bank while a money order comes from a convenience store.
Teller: We sell money orders as well.
Me: What’s the difference?
Teller: $7 versus $4.
Later at another bank, I close down a business savings account:
Teller: May I ask why you are closing this account?
Me: Because of a monthly service charge of $5 and a 0.000001 interest rate. I’m better off keeping it under the mattress.
Teller: You only have $13 in the account. The $5 is a government regulation when you have less than $100 in the account.
Me: I see, but I also get charged for transfers from checking to savings and back again.
Teller: That’s also a government regulation if you do more than 6 in a month.
Me: Well that’s a drag because the account was a good place to store my sales tax so I wouldn’t spend it before I had to send it in to the state. At least I can blame it on Obama. So these fees go to the government?
Teller: No.
Me: I see. But it was the government’s idea?
Teller: Yes, exactly!
Me: And the banks fought it pretty hard because they value their customers?
Teller: Sir, it costs money to keep an account open.
Me: Really? I do online banking, get paperless statements, and you don’t pay any interest. I assume the bank president keeps it under his mattress.
Teller: You’re supposed to keep money in savings. Not move it back and forth. That’s why it’s called savings. The government wants to ensure that enough money stays in the bank.
Me: So if the government makes you do this, can’t you slip a little refund to your customers?
Teller: That would violate the spirit of the law. We can’t do that. We must do what the government tells us.
Me: So you don’t want to do it, but you’ll accept the fees anyway?
Teller: Yes.
A lot of people were against the recently passed financial legislation law because they were worried that banks would have to think of more creative ways to make money. Good news! I think they’re up to the challenge.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Not Richard Scarry, but Dick Scary
This past Sunday while waiting for St. Pauli Girl to get ready for church, I stumbled across this headline in an online newspaper:
“Pope Adds Children’s Book to Resume.”
Fantastic. It’s high time the Catholic Church got its act together and addressed the innocents it strives to protect.
Luckily, I got my hands on an advance copy of the Pope’s new book:
The Friends of Jesus
by The Pope
Greetings, Little Sheep! As the Head Shepherd, I want to take a moment and talk to you about your future with the Church.
Jesus had 12 apostles (“groupies,” you could say). Each one had traits that we still see in today’s church-goers and staff, and you will meet people very similar to them throughout your life.
To make it easier for you youngsters to understand, I’m going to call our modern-day apostles . . .
The Seven Dwarves
Dopey: Dopey is the only female in the group. The original Dopey, when traveling with Jesus around Galilee, always said annoying stuff like, “Why don’t you stop and ask for directions?” and “Did you bring enough fish and bread for everyone?”
As you will soon learn in your religion classes, a woman like Dopey is only good for being a nun or making babies. Dopeys can’t become priests. But they can be nuns which is almost as good because they get to spank children and rap their knuckles with rulers. They just can’t take it to the next level.
Remember, we should always respect women like Dopey. After all, without all the Dopeys of the world we wouldn’t have so much fun replenishing the flo… oh wait, that’s an adult joke between me and the Cardinals.
And what do you say when someone asks if women should be priests? That’s right, “Oh, that’s just ‘Dopey’!”
(Girls, you can stop reading at this point. Assuming you know how to read, ha-ha!)
Grumpy. As an apostle, Grumpy was the one who always whined, “Are we there yet?” and “Do you have to wash our feet first? I’m hungry.” Grumpy is the not-yet retired priest who is relegated to the Sunday matinee mass rather than the 10 a.m. Main Event. You’ll recognize Grumpy because he
is still pissed off about Vatican II,
thinks Latin is good for you (because it was good enough for him, dammit)
won’t give up on the vintage fire and brimstone sermon.
And you’ll remember Grumpy because he yelled at you for talking in church, or chewing gum, and we all know that’s the quickest route to hell.
Happy. Happy’s the young priest at your church, fresh from seminary, learning the ropes of priesthood. He plays an important role with the youth group and is very friendly compared to Grumpy. In fact, he’ll likely offer you gum and invite you to play touch football, in which you can expect to be on the “skins” team. Don’t be afraid, little guy; he only wants to make you happy too.
Happy may invite you to go camping or to a movie and he may even give you your first taste of bourbon. (Ah yes, I remember the first time I took the youth group to the cinema, way back before I became Pope. The movie was a remake of “Shaft” starring Dale DaBone. Great flick.)
Doc. You should never be afraid of the doctor, which can also be said of your parish pastor, the senior priest who’s like a doctor, except better! He’ll probably recruit you to be an altar boy. This requires a physical exam. There may be tickling involved, a second taste of bourbon, and maybe a round of the fun game “Can You Find the Candy in My Pocket?”
Doc will probably take you out to a nice restaurant like “Between the Buns.” To earn brownie points with God, you should offer to wash Doc’s car. In tight shorts, no shirt. Lots of soap. (I digress . . . now where was I?)
Bashful. This is the apostle you should strive to be. Nothing sinks a church like loose lips. Happy, Doc and myself will forever be in your debt if you remain bashful. In fact, I can guarantee you’ll get to heaven (no matter what Grumpy says) if you keep your mouth shut. I can do that; I’m the Pope.
Judas. He’s the opposite of Bashful, and he’s on a hayride to hell. Stay away from Judas. He’s in the clutches of Satan and the Trial Lawyer’s Association, who’s always trying to extort money from me and the Church. If, like Judas, you squeal to authorities, you’ll be immediately ex-communicated from the Church. I’ll call Satan on his private line, and he’ll then personally come and possess you, making your head spin and causing you to spew vomit all over your mom and dad and Rover. You’ll wish you hadn’t said anything, and your mom and dad will have to have Doc come and exercise, I mean, exorcise you.
Vito. Vito was Jesus’s top lieutenant, kind of like the Lone Ranger’s Tonto, or better yet, Batman’s Robin. And we have a bunch of Vito’s here in the Church. Vito carries a baseball bat and a Luger. You may run into him someday when you’re trying to decide between accepting a ride from Bashful or Judas. He’s got ways to persuade you to ride with Bashful.
So remember kids, just like Jesus had his Apostles, so the modern day priest has his Dwarves. Strive to be the best little sheep you can be. Then someday, a priest may choose you from the flock, stand behind you, and guide you to heaven.
Amen.
“Pope Adds Children’s Book to Resume.”
Fantastic. It’s high time the Catholic Church got its act together and addressed the innocents it strives to protect.
Luckily, I got my hands on an advance copy of the Pope’s new book:
The Friends of Jesus
by The Pope
Greetings, Little Sheep! As the Head Shepherd, I want to take a moment and talk to you about your future with the Church.
Jesus had 12 apostles (“groupies,” you could say). Each one had traits that we still see in today’s church-goers and staff, and you will meet people very similar to them throughout your life.
To make it easier for you youngsters to understand, I’m going to call our modern-day apostles . . .
The Seven Dwarves
Dopey: Dopey is the only female in the group. The original Dopey, when traveling with Jesus around Galilee, always said annoying stuff like, “Why don’t you stop and ask for directions?” and “Did you bring enough fish and bread for everyone?”
As you will soon learn in your religion classes, a woman like Dopey is only good for being a nun or making babies. Dopeys can’t become priests. But they can be nuns which is almost as good because they get to spank children and rap their knuckles with rulers. They just can’t take it to the next level.
Remember, we should always respect women like Dopey. After all, without all the Dopeys of the world we wouldn’t have so much fun replenishing the flo… oh wait, that’s an adult joke between me and the Cardinals.
And what do you say when someone asks if women should be priests? That’s right, “Oh, that’s just ‘Dopey’!”
(Girls, you can stop reading at this point. Assuming you know how to read, ha-ha!)
Grumpy. As an apostle, Grumpy was the one who always whined, “Are we there yet?” and “Do you have to wash our feet first? I’m hungry.” Grumpy is the not-yet retired priest who is relegated to the Sunday matinee mass rather than the 10 a.m. Main Event. You’ll recognize Grumpy because he
is still pissed off about Vatican II,
thinks Latin is good for you (because it was good enough for him, dammit)
won’t give up on the vintage fire and brimstone sermon.
And you’ll remember Grumpy because he yelled at you for talking in church, or chewing gum, and we all know that’s the quickest route to hell.
Happy. Happy’s the young priest at your church, fresh from seminary, learning the ropes of priesthood. He plays an important role with the youth group and is very friendly compared to Grumpy. In fact, he’ll likely offer you gum and invite you to play touch football, in which you can expect to be on the “skins” team. Don’t be afraid, little guy; he only wants to make you happy too.
Happy may invite you to go camping or to a movie and he may even give you your first taste of bourbon. (Ah yes, I remember the first time I took the youth group to the cinema, way back before I became Pope. The movie was a remake of “Shaft” starring Dale DaBone. Great flick.)
Doc. You should never be afraid of the doctor, which can also be said of your parish pastor, the senior priest who’s like a doctor, except better! He’ll probably recruit you to be an altar boy. This requires a physical exam. There may be tickling involved, a second taste of bourbon, and maybe a round of the fun game “Can You Find the Candy in My Pocket?”
Doc will probably take you out to a nice restaurant like “Between the Buns.” To earn brownie points with God, you should offer to wash Doc’s car. In tight shorts, no shirt. Lots of soap. (I digress . . . now where was I?)
Bashful. This is the apostle you should strive to be. Nothing sinks a church like loose lips. Happy, Doc and myself will forever be in your debt if you remain bashful. In fact, I can guarantee you’ll get to heaven (no matter what Grumpy says) if you keep your mouth shut. I can do that; I’m the Pope.
Judas. He’s the opposite of Bashful, and he’s on a hayride to hell. Stay away from Judas. He’s in the clutches of Satan and the Trial Lawyer’s Association, who’s always trying to extort money from me and the Church. If, like Judas, you squeal to authorities, you’ll be immediately ex-communicated from the Church. I’ll call Satan on his private line, and he’ll then personally come and possess you, making your head spin and causing you to spew vomit all over your mom and dad and Rover. You’ll wish you hadn’t said anything, and your mom and dad will have to have Doc come and exercise, I mean, exorcise you.
Vito. Vito was Jesus’s top lieutenant, kind of like the Lone Ranger’s Tonto, or better yet, Batman’s Robin. And we have a bunch of Vito’s here in the Church. Vito carries a baseball bat and a Luger. You may run into him someday when you’re trying to decide between accepting a ride from Bashful or Judas. He’s got ways to persuade you to ride with Bashful.
So remember kids, just like Jesus had his Apostles, so the modern day priest has his Dwarves. Strive to be the best little sheep you can be. Then someday, a priest may choose you from the flock, stand behind you, and guide you to heaven.
Amen.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
The Garden of Eden or Looney Tunes?
I can’t decide if we are now living in the Amazon region or during the time of the Old Testament. With a wide array of strange-to-us wildlife and plants—snakes, birds, lizards, and monster vines--our small acreage sometimes seems like a rainforest in Brazil. But with the yard currently covered with grasshoppers/locusts, I wonder which Bible plague will visit us next. The amazing thing about the grasshoppers is authorities say they are a result of drought followed by a wet winter. And that they show up every seven years--which would seem to make the drought irrelevant to their arrival. But more importantly, authorities say there’s nothing you can do to get rid of them.
St. Pauli Girl thinks our home is also closely related to the Bible since she thinks central Texas is the Garden of Eden. “Of course it is,” I replied, “if the Garden of Eden was full of roosters, walking sticks, grasshoppers, scorpions and snakes.”
“Um, they did have snakes, remember?”
“Yes, talking snakes. At least then you could ask the snake if it was thinking about biting you,” I answered.
(Note: for the rest of this blog, grasshoppers will be referred to as locusts. Grasshoppers sound cute, like Jiminy Cricket. Except they’re not crickets, and they don’t talk.)
Recently, I got to experience the joy of mowing a lawn overrun with locusts. And what do they do when you approach with a mower? They hop! Everywhere! Over you, under you, and onto you! As I rode the lawn mower through the yard, thousands of locusts took off in crazy directions; I waved my arm in front of my face like a windshield wiper.
Our lawn mower has a nice safety feature in that if you get off the seat, the engine immediately shuts down. Another not so nice feature is that if the engine shuts down without a foot on the brake, the lawn mower backfires, like the sound of a shotgun. As I rode through the valley of locusts, inevitably one of them flew up into the leg of my shorts. Disturbed, I jumped up, which shut down the engine and backfired. I then dove to the ground trying to free the locust from my shorts.
St. Pauli Girl came running. “Are you okay? I thought you’d been shot.”
Luckily, we have six chickens and one dog that like to eat locusts. The chicken yard is totally devoid of locusts. If we could clone the chickens a few thousand times, we might have enough to rid the yard of the invaders. A few days after I mowed, we noticed a couple of odd birds running through the property. After careful inspection, we realized they were roadrunners (and this was not just because they were running, although that was a strong clue.) St. Pauli Girl did some careful research and said, “They eat bugs, locusts and …. rattlesnakes!”
This was great news. They may not clear out the locusts, but at least they would get rid of any rattlesnakes in the area. We began to worship our new feathered friends, bowing to them as they passed and chastising our dog as he tried to chase them. A few days later, I noticed an Acme moving van parked across the street. I took over a fruitcake to meet the new neighbor. He had long ears and a big snout.
“What did you say you do again?” I asked.
“I’m a genius.”
“Oh like a guru? We used to live next to a guru.”
“No, genius. Super-genius in fact.”
He was a bit smug. I came back worried and explained my fears to St. Pauli Girl. “I think a coyote moved in across the street. I think he’s after the roadrunners.”
“You think he might eat them?”
“Not at all. I’m more worried about our house getting destroyed by boulders flung from giant slingshots and the occasional stick of Acme TNT.”
St. Pauli Girl thinks our home is also closely related to the Bible since she thinks central Texas is the Garden of Eden. “Of course it is,” I replied, “if the Garden of Eden was full of roosters, walking sticks, grasshoppers, scorpions and snakes.”
“Um, they did have snakes, remember?”
“Yes, talking snakes. At least then you could ask the snake if it was thinking about biting you,” I answered.
(Note: for the rest of this blog, grasshoppers will be referred to as locusts. Grasshoppers sound cute, like Jiminy Cricket. Except they’re not crickets, and they don’t talk.)
Recently, I got to experience the joy of mowing a lawn overrun with locusts. And what do they do when you approach with a mower? They hop! Everywhere! Over you, under you, and onto you! As I rode the lawn mower through the yard, thousands of locusts took off in crazy directions; I waved my arm in front of my face like a windshield wiper.
Our lawn mower has a nice safety feature in that if you get off the seat, the engine immediately shuts down. Another not so nice feature is that if the engine shuts down without a foot on the brake, the lawn mower backfires, like the sound of a shotgun. As I rode through the valley of locusts, inevitably one of them flew up into the leg of my shorts. Disturbed, I jumped up, which shut down the engine and backfired. I then dove to the ground trying to free the locust from my shorts.
St. Pauli Girl came running. “Are you okay? I thought you’d been shot.”
Luckily, we have six chickens and one dog that like to eat locusts. The chicken yard is totally devoid of locusts. If we could clone the chickens a few thousand times, we might have enough to rid the yard of the invaders. A few days after I mowed, we noticed a couple of odd birds running through the property. After careful inspection, we realized they were roadrunners (and this was not just because they were running, although that was a strong clue.) St. Pauli Girl did some careful research and said, “They eat bugs, locusts and …. rattlesnakes!”
This was great news. They may not clear out the locusts, but at least they would get rid of any rattlesnakes in the area. We began to worship our new feathered friends, bowing to them as they passed and chastising our dog as he tried to chase them. A few days later, I noticed an Acme moving van parked across the street. I took over a fruitcake to meet the new neighbor. He had long ears and a big snout.
“What did you say you do again?” I asked.
“I’m a genius.”
“Oh like a guru? We used to live next to a guru.”
“No, genius. Super-genius in fact.”
He was a bit smug. I came back worried and explained my fears to St. Pauli Girl. “I think a coyote moved in across the street. I think he’s after the roadrunners.”
“You think he might eat them?”
“Not at all. I’m more worried about our house getting destroyed by boulders flung from giant slingshots and the occasional stick of Acme TNT.”
Monday, July 12, 2010
For Sale: Me!
St. Pauli Girl likes to participate in an online community forum related to one of her hobbies. Let’s call it “Stratego Fans.” Recently in that forum, a woman published a thread in which she stated that her husband has been unemployed for six weeks, and they are now stressing out about the future. A few posters then offered to donate money. Then someone suggested adding a Paypal button to her thread to make it easier for people to donate. Then she complained that it was taking too long to get the money from Paypal.
How awful! I hate when strangers give me money, and I have difficulty cashing their checks. Six weeks of unemployment? Even in the best of times, that still leaves 20 more weeks of unemployment benefits. I’m sure I sound like a mean Silas Marner ogre but that’s not the case at all. I’m jealous. Strangers are giving out free money on the internet? I want my fair share!
Technology has come a long way. In the old days, you had to cut up a piece of cardboard, make a sad sign, hike out to an exit ramp by the interstate and then bake/shiver in the hot/cold weather as passersby dropped quarters in your can. Apparently now you can just put up a Paypal link on a website, clip your toenails in your cool/warm house and wait for the money to roll in. Plus you can save your best cardboard box for when you might need it for shelter.
I’ve been attending an annual golf trip for the past 25 years. Unfortunately, due to tough economic times, I will not be able to attend this year. At least that’s what I thought. But now through the beauty of technology and your generosity, I am selling sponsorships to finance this golf trip. You can choose from several sponsorship packages outlined below. Remember, no amount is too small!
The Wooden Tee Sponsorship Package
($1 to $99)
To thank my valued sponsors, I will play all six rounds of golf with no tees! Each sponsor will receive a golf tee, photo and signed certificate from me stating that the enclosed golf tee is the actual tee I would have used on a specific golf hole. Don’t worry; my golf swing is so good I don’t need to tee it up! (Note: you must also enclose postage and handling to receive the photo, certificate and tee.)
The Tom Kite Special
($100 to $499)
Send me a hat, and I will wear it for a certain number of holes:
$100 – 6 holes
$200 – 12 holes
$300 – 18 holes
$400 – All day (36 holes plus lunch and dinner)
$499 – All day, plus I’ll sleep in it!
Up to three days and nights available! Documented photo evidence will be provided to you that I wore the hat. What a great opportunity to advertise your business, yourself or just plain make me look silly.
The John Daly Package
($500 to $999)
In addition to the Wooden Tee and Tom Kite benefits, you can hang out with me, the other players and have beer and dinner with us at Hooters every night. Plus, dinner is on me! I promise to get rip-roaring drunk, lose my pants at some point and then get into a fistfight with anyone of your choosing. Then we’ll go back to the Winnebago and trash the place!
The Jimmy Johnson Sponsorship
($1000 to $4999)
I’m selling logo space on my shirts, pants, socks and shoes:
1 Sock: $1000
1 Sleeve: $1500 (or get 2 sleeves for $2500!)
Shirt back: $4000
Shirt Chest: $3000
Shirt Torso: $4999 (can also be divided into halves, quarters and/or eighths for cheaper prices. There’s a lot of space there.)
(For $6000, I will play with no shirt. No refunds if I get kicked off the course or accidentally shot by big game hunters.)
The Bob Seger “Like a Rock” Sponsorship Package
($5000)
In addition to getting your logo on my golf bag, I promise to mention your name or business at every opportunity during the weekend. I guarantee to mention it at least once on every hole, in every pro shop, to every beverage cart girl, to every bag drop attendant, to every police officer, to every waiter/bartender/waitress, and at least 25 times every night when everyone is sitting around smoking cigars and drinking beer. That’s over 300 references in a four-day period! Try and get that kind of deal from a tv or radio station!
The Solid Gold Dancer Platinum Elite BlackCard Wizard Package
($10,000)
You will get everything in the above packages plus:
Tournament sponsorship (well, as far as you know. I’ll have to work that around the tournament’s board of directors, namely the sole director.)
Trophy Presentation. During the prestigious presentation of the Green Jacket and Myrtle Master’s Hat, your/company’s name/logo will be displayed in the background. You will then be offered a minute to say a few words about yourself/company and then shake the champion’s hand. I will also throw in a free cocktail.
Admission to every clubhouse and the players’ locker room plus a nightly cocktail party on the balcony of the players’ condo. 15% discount on all tournament apparel.
Walk inside the ropes with the players.
I will approach up to 25 strangers at every airport along my journey and tell them what a good person/company you are. I will give them your phone number and you can even pick the relative attractiveness of who gets your phone number (scale of 1 to 10)
I will write letters of recommendation for you, your spouse, kids and/or distant relatives to whomever they wish.
I will remember you in my nightly prayers.
A wax statue of you will be commissioned to be permanently displayed in the Pine Lakes Clubhouse.
I will personally lobby the ownership of every golf course we play to rename their course in your honor. (I’m estimating a 50% success rate)
You can have my 1997 Saturn SL1 Sedan. It’s green.
Please donate now. Only three weeks left! Operators are standing by!
(sorry, photo removed due to web crawlers spreading it around the internet)
A previous green jacket ceremony. (photo courtesy of Tony Tomanek Productions)
(Imagine your logo in the background and your opportunity to shake hands with the champion!)
How awful! I hate when strangers give me money, and I have difficulty cashing their checks. Six weeks of unemployment? Even in the best of times, that still leaves 20 more weeks of unemployment benefits. I’m sure I sound like a mean Silas Marner ogre but that’s not the case at all. I’m jealous. Strangers are giving out free money on the internet? I want my fair share!
Technology has come a long way. In the old days, you had to cut up a piece of cardboard, make a sad sign, hike out to an exit ramp by the interstate and then bake/shiver in the hot/cold weather as passersby dropped quarters in your can. Apparently now you can just put up a Paypal link on a website, clip your toenails in your cool/warm house and wait for the money to roll in. Plus you can save your best cardboard box for when you might need it for shelter.
I’ve been attending an annual golf trip for the past 25 years. Unfortunately, due to tough economic times, I will not be able to attend this year. At least that’s what I thought. But now through the beauty of technology and your generosity, I am selling sponsorships to finance this golf trip. You can choose from several sponsorship packages outlined below. Remember, no amount is too small!
The Wooden Tee Sponsorship Package
($1 to $99)
To thank my valued sponsors, I will play all six rounds of golf with no tees! Each sponsor will receive a golf tee, photo and signed certificate from me stating that the enclosed golf tee is the actual tee I would have used on a specific golf hole. Don’t worry; my golf swing is so good I don’t need to tee it up! (Note: you must also enclose postage and handling to receive the photo, certificate and tee.)
The Tom Kite Special
($100 to $499)
Send me a hat, and I will wear it for a certain number of holes:
$100 – 6 holes
$200 – 12 holes
$300 – 18 holes
$400 – All day (36 holes plus lunch and dinner)
$499 – All day, plus I’ll sleep in it!
Up to three days and nights available! Documented photo evidence will be provided to you that I wore the hat. What a great opportunity to advertise your business, yourself or just plain make me look silly.
The John Daly Package
($500 to $999)
In addition to the Wooden Tee and Tom Kite benefits, you can hang out with me, the other players and have beer and dinner with us at Hooters every night. Plus, dinner is on me! I promise to get rip-roaring drunk, lose my pants at some point and then get into a fistfight with anyone of your choosing. Then we’ll go back to the Winnebago and trash the place!
The Jimmy Johnson Sponsorship
($1000 to $4999)
I’m selling logo space on my shirts, pants, socks and shoes:
1 Sock: $1000
1 Sleeve: $1500 (or get 2 sleeves for $2500!)
Shirt back: $4000
Shirt Chest: $3000
Shirt Torso: $4999 (can also be divided into halves, quarters and/or eighths for cheaper prices. There’s a lot of space there.)
(For $6000, I will play with no shirt. No refunds if I get kicked off the course or accidentally shot by big game hunters.)
The Bob Seger “Like a Rock” Sponsorship Package
($5000)
In addition to getting your logo on my golf bag, I promise to mention your name or business at every opportunity during the weekend. I guarantee to mention it at least once on every hole, in every pro shop, to every beverage cart girl, to every bag drop attendant, to every police officer, to every waiter/bartender/waitress, and at least 25 times every night when everyone is sitting around smoking cigars and drinking beer. That’s over 300 references in a four-day period! Try and get that kind of deal from a tv or radio station!
The Solid Gold Dancer Platinum Elite BlackCard Wizard Package
($10,000)
You will get everything in the above packages plus:
Tournament sponsorship (well, as far as you know. I’ll have to work that around the tournament’s board of directors, namely the sole director.)
Trophy Presentation. During the prestigious presentation of the Green Jacket and Myrtle Master’s Hat, your/company’s name/logo will be displayed in the background. You will then be offered a minute to say a few words about yourself/company and then shake the champion’s hand. I will also throw in a free cocktail.
Admission to every clubhouse and the players’ locker room plus a nightly cocktail party on the balcony of the players’ condo. 15% discount on all tournament apparel.
Walk inside the ropes with the players.
I will approach up to 25 strangers at every airport along my journey and tell them what a good person/company you are. I will give them your phone number and you can even pick the relative attractiveness of who gets your phone number (scale of 1 to 10)
I will write letters of recommendation for you, your spouse, kids and/or distant relatives to whomever they wish.
I will remember you in my nightly prayers.
A wax statue of you will be commissioned to be permanently displayed in the Pine Lakes Clubhouse.
I will personally lobby the ownership of every golf course we play to rename their course in your honor. (I’m estimating a 50% success rate)
You can have my 1997 Saturn SL1 Sedan. It’s green.
Please donate now. Only three weeks left! Operators are standing by!
(sorry, photo removed due to web crawlers spreading it around the internet)
A previous green jacket ceremony. (photo courtesy of Tony Tomanek Productions)
(Imagine your logo in the background and your opportunity to shake hands with the champion!)
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Faux Vegas
Last month, St. Pauli Girl’s parents were in town, a week before they were to go to Las Vegas. Throughout the weekend, St. Pauli Girl’s mom continually pointed out how they had gotten a room at the Golden Nugget for $39 a night. She kept dropping hints that we should go as well. About the same time, we discovered a leaking pipe in the wall of the house. I suggested to St. Pauli Girl’s mom that maybe she should invite our plumber to join them as he is about to come into a lot of money.
Unfortunately, we cannot afford a vacation this summer. (This is doubly depressing because even Eduardo, St. Pauli Girl’s son, can afford to go to Las Vegas in July.) So with the July 4 weekend approaching, we decided to make the best of it and pretend we were in Las Vegas for 3 days. We would essentially re-enact a typical trip playing our favorite games and eating at our favorite restaurants.
(Note: It helps to have a good imagination and a great cook in the household. But then again, you can always order take-out.)
Before the trip, we bought several lotto scratch off tickets as prizes for the winner of each gambling session. We would also keep a running total of earnings and whoever won the most after day 3 would receive the grand prize of $42 million! (assuming the PowerBall ticket we bought won.)
Friday, July 2
1:00 p.m. Our plane arrived in Faux Vegas. We quickly checked into the Golden Nugget then headed to the Triple 7 Brewpub in Main Street Station. We recreated the sampler brew platter with a few selections of our own homebrew then had a lunch of beer battered fish and chips (homemade Parmesan fries).
2:00 p.m. Our first gambling session was at Main Street Station which is a great place to gamble because you can get free microbrews in the casino. We set up our laptops adjacent to each other on a table and played online video poker and slots while enjoying “Songs of the 70’s” weekend on the radio.
(If you have never been to a casino but you have played online games and think you have it all figured out, Vegas operators are standing by ready to give you a cheap room. If these online games were in Vegas, all of the casinos would be bankrupt in a weekend.)
We set a time limit and assumed that we were always playing 25 cent machines. Playing strictly Video Poker I managed to grind out a $20 investment into $1501.25. St. Pauli Girl took advantage of the really loose slots to rack up $2113.25. We immediately checked out of the Golden Nugget and used our winnings to score a nice room with a balcony overlooking the fountains at the Bellagio. This is easily done in Faux Vegas.
St. Pauli Girl won the first ticket which revealed…..$0.
4:00 p.m. Next came the blackjack tournament at the Las Vegas Club one of our favorite places to gamble (and it’s not because the cocktail waitresses wear cheerleading uniforms.) The online blackjack was the most real game we played all weekend. Real in that we lost. Quite a bit. We both started with $1000 with a 90-minute time limit. The session came to an abrupt end when St. Pauli Girl lost the last of her $1000 and elected not to deposit more money. With my $700 winnings, I now had a commanding lead on her for the weekend plus a scratch off ticket which revealed….. $0.
9:00 p.m. Time for dinner. We didn’t know we’d be moving to the Bellagio so we had already made our dinner plans. The biggest drawback of downtown Las Vegas is the lack of nice restaurants. So we chose Hugo’s Cellar which has some nice atmosphere and its trademarks of giving every woman a rose and fixing salads tableside. The place makes you feel like it’s 1975, but then again, everything downtown makes you feel that way.
St. Pauli Girl fixed our tableside salads followed by a bacon-wrapped filet mignon served on top of crab with a Bearnaise Sauce.
We followed that up with a quick nightcap of a 30-minute slot tournament. After realizing how loose the online slots were, I abandoned my dislike of slots in general and eked out a small victory which earned me another scratch-off card which revealed….$0.
Saturday, July 3
9:00 a.m. It was a beautiful day in Faux Vegas at the lovely Bellagio. We sat on our balcony enjoying one of our favorite Vegas pastimes: chocolate croissants and coffee. Shortly, we realized something was missing: the Bellagio fountains of course! I went down and turned on our sprinkler system and put my favorite martial music on the stereo.
12:00 p.m. Day 2 gambling kicked off with a video poker session at the Golden Gate. One of the best things about the Golden Gate is they have $3 tables so when you stick with $5 bets, you look like a whale. Thanks to a wildcard royal flush, St. Pauli Girl escaped with a win and won a scratch-off card that paid…..$0.
1:30 p.m. While we were at the Golden Gate, we had to enjoy a world famous 99 cent shrimp cocktail. (FYI: Sam’s Club sells a near replica of the cocktail sauce, but of course St. Pauli Girl made her own).
2:00 p.m. The next gambling session involved a player’s choice of slots or video poker. Having learned my lesson, I stuck mostly to slots this time. I kept a close tab on St. Pauli Girl and realized I had a nice $400 lead. She was interrupted by a phone call. To make things fair (and knowing I would win), like a World Cup soccer referee I offered her ten minutes of injury time to make up for the interruption. So with one minute to go, she proceeds to hit the biggest jackpot of the weekend, thereby earning another scratch-off card worth….$0.
4:00 p.m. Back to the blackjack tables. Once again, online blackjack treated us like real Vegas where we both dropped a total of $295.
5:00 p.m. Off to the Wine Cellar at the Rio. This has always been one of our favorite discoveries, a cozy wine bar in the basement of the Rio where they serve wine flights: a small sample of three similar wines. St. Pauli Girl put together a wine flight with what we had available. I managed to guess all three of them: “Number 1 tastes like that bottle we opened last night, Number 2 would be the Franzia boxed chardonnay and number 3--I’m guessing--is the Almaden boxed merlot, with a May 2010 vintage.”
6:00 p.m. Over to the Gold Coast which is across the street from the Rio. Next to downtown, the Gold Coast is our favorite place to play in Vegas because we always win there. Except for the time we actually stayed there. So we’re probably about even. Another slots and video poker tournament where St. Pauli Girl managed to find even looser slots and sealed another scratch-off victory worth…..$0.
7:30 p.m. Time for dinner at one of our favorite restaurants, Rosemary’s which is way off the strip on Sahara Ave. and pretty much the only reason we rent a car when we go to Vegas. We started off with an appetizer of Pan-fried Sweetbreads in a Creole Mustard Sauce. The main course followed with a Prosciutto Wrapped Veal Chop with Hoppin’ John, white cheddar grits, and a Creole Mustard Butter. We opted for dessert tonight: Goat Cheese Cheesecake with a Scotch Caramel Sauce.
10:00 p.m.We wrapped the evening up with another slots tournament with no prize. After two days, we had racked up over $7400 between the two of us but my earnings lead had shrunk to about $900.
Sunday, July 4
9:00 a.m. It was Sunday so that meant champagne brunch! Chocolate croissants, scrambled eggs, sausage and champagne. A great way to start the day on our balcony at the Bellagio. Unfortunately , the Bellagio fountains were closed for repairs; seems someone didn’t want to go downstairs and turn them on.
12:00 p.m. We went back downtown for the serious gambling. We started off with another video poker and slots round. The action was fast and furious but St. Pauli Girl pulled ahead late and hung on for victory: a scratch-off card worth….$0.
By this time I had also cheated and looked at the Powerball numbers. Instead of $42 million, our weekend winner would walk away with a used Powerball ticket worth…. $0.
2:00 p.m. We immediately jumped into our next blackjack tournament. Once again, it would not go the distance as St. Pauli Girl quickly dropped $1000. I managed to only lose $335 but that was good enough for a scratch-off card worth….$0.
6:00 p.m. Our final weekend dinner would be at Firefly, a tapas restaurant. We enjoyed steamed mussels with chorizo, then foccacia and four-cheese fondue followed by albondigas in a spicy sherry tomato sauce.
8:00 p.m. The last gambling event would be a video poker and slots session. With a $1200 lead, I could pretty much rest on cruise control and still win as long as St. Pauli Girl didn’t hit a jackpot. But I hit the jackpot, sealing the session win as well as the weekend earnings victory. Between the two of us, we had won $9761. The session win earned me a scratch-off card worth…$0.
Finally, the weekend earnings victory won a scratch-off card worth….$4. Yes, that’s right, the weekend finally paid off!
We spent the rest of the night outside enjoying fireworks. The great thing about living in the country is that you don’t have to go anywhere for fireworks. Any neighbor with a full can of gas, a lighter and a .45 is a show waiting to happen.
After the weekend, St. Pauli Girl talked to her mom on the phone:
Mom: Did I tell you we got rooms at the Golden Nugget for $39 a night?
St. Pauli Girl: Did I tell you we won almost $10,000 and got comped rooms at the Bellagio?
Mom: Well, you know what they say. What happens in Faux Vegas…. never really happened.
Unfortunately, we cannot afford a vacation this summer. (This is doubly depressing because even Eduardo, St. Pauli Girl’s son, can afford to go to Las Vegas in July.) So with the July 4 weekend approaching, we decided to make the best of it and pretend we were in Las Vegas for 3 days. We would essentially re-enact a typical trip playing our favorite games and eating at our favorite restaurants.
(Note: It helps to have a good imagination and a great cook in the household. But then again, you can always order take-out.)
Before the trip, we bought several lotto scratch off tickets as prizes for the winner of each gambling session. We would also keep a running total of earnings and whoever won the most after day 3 would receive the grand prize of $42 million! (assuming the PowerBall ticket we bought won.)
Friday, July 2
1:00 p.m. Our plane arrived in Faux Vegas. We quickly checked into the Golden Nugget then headed to the Triple 7 Brewpub in Main Street Station. We recreated the sampler brew platter with a few selections of our own homebrew then had a lunch of beer battered fish and chips (homemade Parmesan fries).
2:00 p.m. Our first gambling session was at Main Street Station which is a great place to gamble because you can get free microbrews in the casino. We set up our laptops adjacent to each other on a table and played online video poker and slots while enjoying “Songs of the 70’s” weekend on the radio.
(If you have never been to a casino but you have played online games and think you have it all figured out, Vegas operators are standing by ready to give you a cheap room. If these online games were in Vegas, all of the casinos would be bankrupt in a weekend.)
We set a time limit and assumed that we were always playing 25 cent machines. Playing strictly Video Poker I managed to grind out a $20 investment into $1501.25. St. Pauli Girl took advantage of the really loose slots to rack up $2113.25. We immediately checked out of the Golden Nugget and used our winnings to score a nice room with a balcony overlooking the fountains at the Bellagio. This is easily done in Faux Vegas.
St. Pauli Girl won the first ticket which revealed…..$0.
4:00 p.m. Next came the blackjack tournament at the Las Vegas Club one of our favorite places to gamble (and it’s not because the cocktail waitresses wear cheerleading uniforms.) The online blackjack was the most real game we played all weekend. Real in that we lost. Quite a bit. We both started with $1000 with a 90-minute time limit. The session came to an abrupt end when St. Pauli Girl lost the last of her $1000 and elected not to deposit more money. With my $700 winnings, I now had a commanding lead on her for the weekend plus a scratch off ticket which revealed….. $0.
9:00 p.m. Time for dinner. We didn’t know we’d be moving to the Bellagio so we had already made our dinner plans. The biggest drawback of downtown Las Vegas is the lack of nice restaurants. So we chose Hugo’s Cellar which has some nice atmosphere and its trademarks of giving every woman a rose and fixing salads tableside. The place makes you feel like it’s 1975, but then again, everything downtown makes you feel that way.
St. Pauli Girl fixed our tableside salads followed by a bacon-wrapped filet mignon served on top of crab with a Bearnaise Sauce.
We followed that up with a quick nightcap of a 30-minute slot tournament. After realizing how loose the online slots were, I abandoned my dislike of slots in general and eked out a small victory which earned me another scratch-off card which revealed….$0.
Saturday, July 3
9:00 a.m. It was a beautiful day in Faux Vegas at the lovely Bellagio. We sat on our balcony enjoying one of our favorite Vegas pastimes: chocolate croissants and coffee. Shortly, we realized something was missing: the Bellagio fountains of course! I went down and turned on our sprinkler system and put my favorite martial music on the stereo.
12:00 p.m. Day 2 gambling kicked off with a video poker session at the Golden Gate. One of the best things about the Golden Gate is they have $3 tables so when you stick with $5 bets, you look like a whale. Thanks to a wildcard royal flush, St. Pauli Girl escaped with a win and won a scratch-off card that paid…..$0.
1:30 p.m. While we were at the Golden Gate, we had to enjoy a world famous 99 cent shrimp cocktail. (FYI: Sam’s Club sells a near replica of the cocktail sauce, but of course St. Pauli Girl made her own).
2:00 p.m. The next gambling session involved a player’s choice of slots or video poker. Having learned my lesson, I stuck mostly to slots this time. I kept a close tab on St. Pauli Girl and realized I had a nice $400 lead. She was interrupted by a phone call. To make things fair (and knowing I would win), like a World Cup soccer referee I offered her ten minutes of injury time to make up for the interruption. So with one minute to go, she proceeds to hit the biggest jackpot of the weekend, thereby earning another scratch-off card worth….$0.
4:00 p.m. Back to the blackjack tables. Once again, online blackjack treated us like real Vegas where we both dropped a total of $295.
5:00 p.m. Off to the Wine Cellar at the Rio. This has always been one of our favorite discoveries, a cozy wine bar in the basement of the Rio where they serve wine flights: a small sample of three similar wines. St. Pauli Girl put together a wine flight with what we had available. I managed to guess all three of them: “Number 1 tastes like that bottle we opened last night, Number 2 would be the Franzia boxed chardonnay and number 3--I’m guessing--is the Almaden boxed merlot, with a May 2010 vintage.”
6:00 p.m. Over to the Gold Coast which is across the street from the Rio. Next to downtown, the Gold Coast is our favorite place to play in Vegas because we always win there. Except for the time we actually stayed there. So we’re probably about even. Another slots and video poker tournament where St. Pauli Girl managed to find even looser slots and sealed another scratch-off victory worth…..$0.
7:30 p.m. Time for dinner at one of our favorite restaurants, Rosemary’s which is way off the strip on Sahara Ave. and pretty much the only reason we rent a car when we go to Vegas. We started off with an appetizer of Pan-fried Sweetbreads in a Creole Mustard Sauce. The main course followed with a Prosciutto Wrapped Veal Chop with Hoppin’ John, white cheddar grits, and a Creole Mustard Butter. We opted for dessert tonight: Goat Cheese Cheesecake with a Scotch Caramel Sauce.
10:00 p.m.We wrapped the evening up with another slots tournament with no prize. After two days, we had racked up over $7400 between the two of us but my earnings lead had shrunk to about $900.
Sunday, July 4
9:00 a.m. It was Sunday so that meant champagne brunch! Chocolate croissants, scrambled eggs, sausage and champagne. A great way to start the day on our balcony at the Bellagio. Unfortunately , the Bellagio fountains were closed for repairs; seems someone didn’t want to go downstairs and turn them on.
12:00 p.m. We went back downtown for the serious gambling. We started off with another video poker and slots round. The action was fast and furious but St. Pauli Girl pulled ahead late and hung on for victory: a scratch-off card worth….$0.
By this time I had also cheated and looked at the Powerball numbers. Instead of $42 million, our weekend winner would walk away with a used Powerball ticket worth…. $0.
2:00 p.m. We immediately jumped into our next blackjack tournament. Once again, it would not go the distance as St. Pauli Girl quickly dropped $1000. I managed to only lose $335 but that was good enough for a scratch-off card worth….$0.
6:00 p.m. Our final weekend dinner would be at Firefly, a tapas restaurant. We enjoyed steamed mussels with chorizo, then foccacia and four-cheese fondue followed by albondigas in a spicy sherry tomato sauce.
8:00 p.m. The last gambling event would be a video poker and slots session. With a $1200 lead, I could pretty much rest on cruise control and still win as long as St. Pauli Girl didn’t hit a jackpot. But I hit the jackpot, sealing the session win as well as the weekend earnings victory. Between the two of us, we had won $9761. The session win earned me a scratch-off card worth…$0.
Finally, the weekend earnings victory won a scratch-off card worth….$4. Yes, that’s right, the weekend finally paid off!
We spent the rest of the night outside enjoying fireworks. The great thing about living in the country is that you don’t have to go anywhere for fireworks. Any neighbor with a full can of gas, a lighter and a .45 is a show waiting to happen.
After the weekend, St. Pauli Girl talked to her mom on the phone:
Mom: Did I tell you we got rooms at the Golden Nugget for $39 a night?
St. Pauli Girl: Did I tell you we won almost $10,000 and got comped rooms at the Bellagio?
Mom: Well, you know what they say. What happens in Faux Vegas…. never really happened.
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