Monday, June 14, 2010

Comrades in Arms

An Open Letter from Texas to the State of Tennessee

Dear Tennesseeans:

First, as always, thanks for sending Davy Crockett our way where he died a hero defending the Great Republic and the steady sales of his trademark coonskin caps keeps our economy humming along better than just about any other state right now. At least that’s what our governor tells us.

In an earlier blog, I wrote that it was illegal to carry firearms into Texas establishments that serve food and alcohol. An alert reader set me straight: it is only illegal to carry unlicensed firearms into said establishments. That is much to my relief: for a minute there I thought Tennessee was more progressive on guns than Texas.

Given its landmark legislation permitting guns in restaurants and bars, I’d like to formally welcome Tennessee to the future as we enjoy it in the Great Republic. Here in the 19th century you can relive the golden saloon years when men were men and women would ask “Is that a 44 magnum in your pocket?” and mean it.

I salute the forward-thinking Volunteer State for solving a plague that still grips the rest of the nation: the fear of being shot every time you go out to eat. Tennessee, you will soon feel an economic boon in your state because:

1. Many gun owners refused to eat out without their guns
2. Many people refused to eat out for fear of being badly shot in restaurants by unlicensed gun owners

Now the citizens of Tennessee can relax in their favorite restaurant knowing that if the kid at the next table spills his Dr Pepper, plenty of patrons packing heat are there to quell the disturbance. Screaming babies will never be a problem again.

This is also good news for those looking for comps. When you tell the manager that the soup you licked clean from the bowl was actually cold, he’d better be forthcoming with a freebie or he’ll have to talk to your pardners, Smith and Wesson. No more waiting in long lines at the bar either--a shot at the chandelier will grab the bartender’s attention.

It’s also great to see the return of the statesman to politics:

"I ask that you ... give the law-biting citizens of this state a right to protect themselves," said Republican House sponsor Curry Todd of Collierville.

First, “Curry Todd” is a great name that sounds straight out of Abilene. Second, “Law-biting citizens” works on so many levels. It’s possible Todd was just trying on a Texas drawl by shortening “law abiding” to “law ‘biding” and he just got misquoted. But the idea of citizens carrying handguns certainly has a “law-biting” feel to it, doesn’t it? We may never know what he truly said, but I nominate “law-biting citizens” for a marble inscription at the state capitol.

Yes, thank God Tenneseeans and Texans have seen the light. It’s high time we stop discriminating against the good folks who wish to bear arms. Carrying a gun should not be illegal. Shooting at people for no good reason should be illegal. Shooting at people who are shooting at you should not be illegal. And doing it in a restaurant or bar should make no difference. And let’s face it, a basket of chips and a round of margaritas just makes it more fun.

Your Comrades in Arms,

The Great Republic

P.S. Can we interest you in some textbooks?

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