Another complaint about music today. Over the weekend, while St. Pauli Girl and I were enjoying the Delilah show, Delilah played a schmaltzy Bryan Adams song for the zillionth time. I’m pretty sure his whole career path is based on providing Delilah with songs people want to dedicate to each other. But I was struck by the lyrics in his big hit “Everything I Do (I Do It For You)” which include:
“I’d fight for you, I’d lie for you, I’d walk the wire for you, I’d die for you….”
Lie for you? That’s not setting the bar very high. As a friend once said, “I’d lie for 95% of the women walking down the street. And I’d stretch the truth for the other 5%.”
So I’m trying to imagine what it would be like for a guy to profess his love like that on say the third or fourth date:
Bryan: I just want you to know exactly how I feel. I’d fight for you, I’d lie for you, I’d…
Woman: What? Lie?
Bryan: No wait! I’m not done. I’d walk the wire for you.
Woman: What wire? You’d join the circus?
Bryan: No, I think it means I’d be a lineman for the county for you or come and get you if you were stranded up on a power line. But even more: I’d die for you too. How about that? Hmm?
Woman: But you just said you’d lie. So if you lie, why would I believe that?
Bryan: Not to you. I’d lie for you. I’d never lie to you.
Woman: What’s that supposed to mean?
Bryan: Say we’re driving through downtown Phoenix, and we get pulled over. I’d tell the police that you’re a U.S. citizen.
Woman: But I am a citizen.
Bryan: But they don’t know that.
Woman: Try again, Stephen Hawking.
Bryan: Alright, alright. Maybe some outlaws have me chained to a wall in a basement somewhere and are using branding irons on me to find out where you are. I wouldn’t tell them.
Woman: That’s not lying, you’re just holding out.
Bryan: Okay, so I break down and tell them you’re in Omaha or Yonkers or something. Now that’s lying.
Woman: Well, why are they looking for me?
Bryan: Jesus Christ! Does it matter?
Woman: What if it’s because you kidnapped me and have me buried alive in a hole somewhere? I think I’d want you to tell the truth.
Bryan: Okay. Let’s say you park in a handicap space because you’re in a hurry. Someone hassles you about it, and you say that you are legally blind. Which you aren’t. I would go along with it. Lie.
Woman: But I wouldn’t do that.
Bryan: Of course not. But if you did, I’d be there for you and take your arm and guide you through the store.
Woman: You know, I’m just not getting into this whole lying for me thing. And didn’t your online profile say that you were 6’1” and 180 pounds?
Bryan: I was. Once.
Woman: Really?
Bryan: When I was 15. But see, I’m not lying to you right now, am I?
Woman: Seems like you make the leap pretty easily.
Bryan: Well, forget about that anyway. That’s small potatoes. I’d fight for you, Remember? I’d die for you!
Woman: So if some hulking biker pinches me on the butt, you’d fight him for me?
Bryan: Absolutely.
Woman: And if he pulled a gun, you’d die for me?
Bryan: Yes! Now that’s what I’m talking about--real-life situations.
Woman: I’m going to have to think about this. The fighting and dying is nice, but you really undercut that with the lying.
Bryan: What if I said I was a rock star worth $80 million?
Woman: If you were a rock star millionaire? Of course I’d fight for you, lie for you, and die for you.
End of argument. I guess it all works out in the end. But I’m still pretty underwhelmed by the lyrics. I can even imagine the producer in the studio trying to talk Bryan Adams out of it:
Producer: The lying just doesn’t fit with fighting and dying.
Bryan: It rhymes.
Producer: Well sure, but couldn’t you try a little harder? How about: I’d lie in a grave for you, I’d dye my hair for you, I’d make lye soap for you, I’d play the lyre for you, I’d bake a pie for you, I won’t ask why for you, I’d drink rye for you, I’d make a mai tai for you?
Bryan: Nah. Just doesn’t work.
Producer: I know this singer song/writer Steve Miller. He once brilliantly rhymed “taxes” with “facts is.” How ‘bout I give him a call?
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