Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Count Me In

There’s been a lot of complaining about filling out the 2010 census form. Complaints range from anti-government rhetoric to concerns about checking an ethnicity box to people who think it should be online to people that think it’s just too hard. The only people that have a legitimate complaint are those with outstanding warrants for their arrest. But then again they’re assuming the government is remarkably efficient.

Regardless, they are missing the big picture. I couldn’t wait to fill out my form to reap the benefits of the census, specifically, my own congressional district. Luckily, the census form allows you to specify an unlimited number of people living at your address. I bought a few reams of paper to add as attachments to my form. I started out adding names of my, uh, sons, daughters, cousins and miscellaneous relatives like Joe, Ann, Steve, Ricky, Amber but that grew tiresome. It’s much easier to generate sequential names. Meet my family:

AAAA cousin
AAAB cousin’s cousin
AAAC son
AAAD son’s invisible friend

All the way to:
ZZZZ great, great, great, great, great, great aunt

Which means that over 439,000 people live at my address: 1313 Mockingbird Lane. It’s crowded but we manage. Call my crazy? Why no, you can call me the esteemed gentleman from Texas after I’m granted my own congressional district and I elect myself to congress. Plus I should also get my own Great Republic State Legislative District which means I can simultaneously defend state’s rights while being a part of the cesspool that is Washington D.C. I can imagine the great debates with myself:

Me: I’m proud to have provided a heated swimming pool for my district under the National Defense Spending Bill with my special earmark for “The Study of Heated Hydro Therapy for Mockingbird Lane Residents and bikini clad guests.”

Me: There you go again raising the debt ceiling so you carpetbaggers can ram legislation down our throats and violating state’s rights. I should be the one that decides who gets to build a pool.

Me: Interstate commerce, son. That’s what this pool is about, and that’s why us Feds have the right to do that.

Me: What interstate commerce, you people hatin’, tax lovin’, pork belly swine?

Me: I expect we’ll be flying a lot of hookers in to accommodate fat cat campaign contributions.

Me: Well, you can’t trample on me and state’s rights. I propose to build a pool at 1313 Mockingbird Lane as well.

Me: Now that’s a fine idea.

But that’s not all. It also means another electoral vote for the Great Republic in the Electoral College. And I always wanted to go back to college. I miss the keggers, football/basketball games, and well, let’s just say I’m not necessarily committed to any candidate my Republic may elect. I’m just saying. You know where to find me. In the pool at 1313 Mockingbird Lane of course!

The only possible wrench to this plan is what if St. Pauli Girl votes for herself? That would mean a possible run-off which may never end. I would have to get AAAA registered to vote and have her vote for me. But that’s just wrong; I couldn’t do it. Instead I’ll just buy St. Pauli Girl’s vote with the promise of a new heated swimming pool.

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