Fashion King

(Note: If you haven’t read “No Jacket, No Tie, No Service” first, click here).

I was in a restaurant last week when I noticed a middle-aged man and woman coming in the front door. Obviously they wanted separate tables since they were dressed in totally different socio-economic styles. The woman wore a nice black and white dress, hosiery, and moderate heels. The gentleman trailing behind her sported his best Houston Texans sweatshirt, long, baggy, gray, gym shorts and tennis shoes. Much to my surprise and horror, they sat at the same table.

What’s going on? Perhaps a blind date? Maybe a first meeting after cyber dates from some online dating site? I watched them each playing with their cell phones; I imagined the text messages they must be sending:

HER (texting): When we made plans for dinner, he apparently thought we were going to a hot dog stand.

HIM (texting): Whoa buddy, jackpot! She said the restaurant was casual, but she’s dressed for some action! I bet she’s not wearing underwear.

HER (texting): Call me in ten minutes with some kind of emergency to get me out of here.

HIM (texting): I’ll call you later after my home run trot. We’ll get some beers.

The date could not have possibly been going well if they were both in his/her own world playing with his/her cell phones. But then again, I’m old; I have a cell phone but rarely carry it with me. As my brother pointed out after I missed several of his text messages, “You don’t really grasp the idea of a cell phone, do you?” Apparently, texting while dating is par for the course for the youngsters these days.

As they perused the menu, I realized the couple were fairly at ease with each other and it couldn’t be a blind date. Perhaps they were brother and sister which would lead to their texting:

HER: Mom, Burt is doing fine although it seems he misses you dressing him every day.

HIM: Yo, Sis buying me dinner. I’ll catch ya later and we’ll get some beers.

The brother/sister thought vanished from my mind as I saw her clasp his hand on the table. Okay, maybe they are old childhood friends reunited by the magic of Facebook which resulted in these texts:

HER: Burt looks just like he did in first grade; same clothes and everything.

HIM: Remember that chick with the braces we used to make fun of? She’s turned out fine with a capital F! I’m gonna score some of that! Call ya later. We’ll get some beers.

After the entrees came, I noticed them sharing food from each other’s plate. That was definitely too intimate for childhood friends. But my mind could not be deceived by this fashion charade. Maybe they were longtime pen pals from some online yahoo food or restaurant critique group; so they had to try everything.

HER: He’s not as well-spoken as his emails and letters. The picture he sent must be really old too. The potatoes are cold.

HIM: That online foodie chick you were afraid of meeting? She is fine with a capital F! I’m gonna score some of that! Thanks!

But I was mistaken. They shared and fed each other the molten chocolate dessert then topped it off with a long kiss. They were indeed in a long-term relationship, and maybe even married. This was just another sad case of “Men Under-dressing Their Women” a serious social disease which seems to be quite contagious. For the love of God, men please dress up to the level of your date!

In retrospect, their texting most likely consisted of:

HER: Such a nice restaurant, but there’s some weird guy in the corner staring at us.

HIM: I’ll call you later after I score. We’ll go get some beers.

Or if they were married:

HIM: I’ll call you later after I take the wife home. We’ll go get some beers.