Saturday, April 17, 2010

Carpetbagging Reporting

The Washington Post recently reported that corporal punishment (“paddlin',” “butt whoopin,'” or “lickin,'” as we like to say down here) is making a comeback in at least one Texas school district. The reporter very pointedly states, "Residents of the city's comfortable homes, most of which sport neighborly, worn chairs out front, praise the change."

Further along, the reporter feels the need to describe a local resident as someone who “sports a goatee and cowboy boots."

What in tarnation? I hope the goatee-sporting resident allowed the reporter to use the outhouse then kicked it over with his boots while the reporter was inside.

So let me get this straight, assuming someone from the backwoods Republic like me can follow the high falutin’ logic of a fancy latte-sippin’ Washington cesspool reporter: men wearing goatees and/or cowboy boots have a tendency toward child-beating?

Okay, let’s follow the facts:

 Corporal punishment means “beating children”
 Guys with goatees resemble the devil
 The devil supports the beating of children
 The interviewee had a goatee
 The interviewee supports beating children

Which leads us to extrapolate that:

 The devil invented the goatee
 Beat poets and Maynard G. Krebs brought the goatee back into fashion
 Beat poets tended to congregate in New York City
 Child beating was invented by beat poets in New York City

You might want to say that’s nonsense because I’m forgetting the fact that the interviewee was also wearing cowboy boots. Okay, let’s follow that thread:

 Cowboy boots are great for kicking kids in the behind
 If you wear cowboy boots, you like to kick and/or beat children
 If you wear cowboy boots, you are a dumb backwoods hick who doesn’t realize that it’s the local high school principal who’s actually beating the kids. The chances of your failing to realize this doubles if you have a goatee.
 Our former President of the United States wears cowboy boots. As well as Governor Perry.

You smart-ass, cream-cheese-and-bagel-loving carpetbaggers are probably nodding your heads. Let’s go back and analyze that first quote: "Residents of the city's comfortable homes, most of which sport neighborly, worn chairs out front” establishes that:

 This city has some nice comfortable homes
 Therefore, there is no need for furniture on the front porch because furniture belongs inside
 If you have furniture on your front porch, you like to beat children

Living in your high-rent, miniscule, big city efficiency apartments, you probably don’t understand the concept of patio furniture. “Patio furniture” is loosely defined as items you sit on, dine at, or just use to generally enjoy the outdoors, while “outdoors” is usually a patio, deck, or front porch. Or to put it simply, outdoor furniture. The central Great Republic has great weather which means we spend a lot of time outside. It stands to reason that we should have outdoor furniture. (Have you folks ever heard of “barbecuing’?)

I could spend $1000 for a set of wrought iron furniture that isn’t very comfortable and sticks to my thighs or I can haul an old worn chair to the porch in the spring where I can relax comfortably. And I’m the stupid redneck?

So the next time you big city loafer-wearin’, facial hair-hatin’, anti-gun reporters comes around these here parts, remember the following tips:

 We mostly have indoor plumbing
 You can rent a car as opposed to a horse
 Gunfights are rare
 We have more Chili’s restaurants than saloons
 Boots can be worn at black tie events
 We have very comfortable outdoor furniture

And then stick to the facts. Corporal punishment, especially since it appears to be successful, is an excellent topic for debate. But when you blow your liberal, elitist cover by disparaging us folks, well then you deserve a butt-whoopin’.

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