Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Levels of Creepiness

Last night while enjoying another rousing edition of American Idol, one of the young contestants mentioned something along the lines of whoever texts her the most votes gets to go to the prom with her. While she was probably imagining debonair, chivalrous young men working their phones, I imagined 40-year-old bald, fat guys in underwear, covered in cheetoh crumbs in an empty apartment thinking about how they'll get to go to the prom they never got to go to in high school.

This made me realize it's high time we publish the "Levels of Creepiness Guidelines."

What is creepy? If you bring a dozen roses to a woman's house and say, "I wish to spend a romantic evening with you" and she or any other bystander responds, "Oh gross!" That in essence is creepiness defined. It is usually defined as someone playing out of his league or a gross discrepancy in age range.

(NOTE: Just because you can attract a harem of 18 to 25 year-olds based on your fame, money or exceptional looks, you can still be considered creepy if you act upon it. Especially if you're really old and/or gross looking.)

Creepiness can start at a young age. If you are a high school senior and you can't wait to check out the incoming ninth grade girls fresh out of middle school, you are creepy. On the bright side, that's not the worst thing that will be said about you in your future life. So a rule of thumb here is: if you have a driver's license and your date is at least one year away from obtaining hers, you are borderline creepy.

If you are over the age of 20, and you are watching a high school cheerleading contest on ESPN II in which none of your relatives are involved, you are creepy.

In the post high school years, everyone flips out about the age of consent. Not the state's legal age for consensual sex or marriage but rather the international age of consent (18) for appearing nude in movies, magazines or on the internet. Guys believe that makes it okay to ogle, drool or fantasize about anyone above the age of 18 by saying, "but she's legal." Yes, there are a lot of ethical problems that are in fact legal. But remember, creepiness is not a crime; it's a social disease. Another good rule of thumb: If you are 21 or over but you can't share a bottle of wine with your date because she's at least one year away from being legal (21), you are borderline creepy.

It has become very dangerous for men to watch professional women's sports like golf or tennis because so many of the superstar female athletes are teenagers. If forced to watch these sports with others, try to avoid saying anything or use these handy lines:
On tennis:
1. "She really gets that racket up there on the serve." or better yet
2. "I really like the height of the net."

On golf:
1. "I like the way she maintains her balance through her follow-through." or better yet
2. "I really like Bermuda greens."

Which brings us to some of the worst examples of creepiness: men flirting with the beverage cart girl on the golf course. If your conversation involves anything more than:

"We need another 12-pack."
"How much is that?"
"Here's a little something for you."
then you are being creepy.

If you are over the age of 21 and enjoy television shows about high school kids, you are in danger of being creepy. On the one hand, most of the actresses are actually in their late 20's so it's okay for a certain amount of attraction. However, if you find yourself thinking, "I wish her locker was next to mine in high school" or "I hope she tries out for the cheerleading team", you are approaching creepsville.

Finally, if you are over the age of 18, and hope to take an American Idol contestant to her prom, you are very creepy.

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